This was friggin awesome and cute and funny and TRUE! I even commented that although I’m currently single with no man in sight, the message resonated with me and was a good one that needed to be spread far and wide. You do things for people because you love them. Sure my mom worked all day, cooked and cleaned, but my father would get out of the shower, sit between her legs and she’d grease his scalp. He looked so at peace, and she seemed happy touching him and talking with one another. I want scalp-greasing kind of love!!!
I’m not asking anyone to unsubscribe my blog, in fact, tell a friend.
But I did find that even my junk email account was getting too swollen with emails I didn’t need from stores I only shopped at once for a very specific thing or from organizations that I was mildly interested in for a moment.
And that’s life. If there are people, things, projects, non-projects that just aren’t doing it for you any more or serving a purpose, you can use the brain space for other things instead of spending so much time trying to delete their messages and sales pitches in the first place.
It’s simply time to unsubscribe and cut down on the noise coming into your life. There were a few companies I was subscribing to wondering why the heck are they sending me stuff? Because I said yes, because I wanted a coupon for just that one time.
I think we trade off our time and energy for things we don’t need for an undefined amount of time or keep things going with things/people we don’t need because we said yes, just once and we haven’t shaken those things because we subscribed to them. Now we started getting any and everything automatically because we signed up for it for the short-term.
You are allowed to unsubscribe and get your brain space and time back. Take only what you need and what’s beneficial to you. If that’s not happening regularly, you know where their websites/stores are. You’ll go when you need to. But an email every day? Or several times a week? No. Some of the sites I was on the fence about, they even allowed me to slow down the frequency of how many emails a week a received and you know what? Instead of unsubscribing altogether, I cut down the frequency. Sometimes there are people, projects and things that we just need to cut down the frequency and there’s nothing wrong with that either. I actually feel better, now that I’ve done so.
I have a few male friends who I adore and whom I consider like family. I can talk to them about anything and usually it’s more about just random life stuff than picking their brains about men and relationships or swapping stories about the dating/relationship struggle.
One of these male friends invited me to dinner with his family, which was all good, because his parents are good friends with my parents.
I have to say, It was great. It was a really good feeling and it made me miss my family and miss spending time with people who know and love me best. His parents were still sweet and funny and joyful and still happy together. His sisters exchanged jokes, it was a wonderful vibe. Even when they made jokes about my parents and how huge my dad’s afro was back in the day.
It did make me quickly think about what others have asked me in the past about this friend and why we haven’t gotten together. I enjoyed his family so much, it really did seem natural. I was already in there. But, I’m really not sure of what kind of chemistry me and my friend could have even though we get along well. Unlike the ex, or most guys I’ve dated, I can count and recall a number of times he’s looked out for me, paid for dinner and drinks, listened to me, given me support and encouragement and was always willing to invite me someplace, or share his home if we were out too late. There were times he’s gone out of his way to make sure I’d gotten home safely if I drank a little too much. If I was sad, he’d drag me out of the house. He would always be available when I needed a last-minute date someplace.
Moving on…
UnCommon has been interesting. I’ve decided to abandon my general rules about late night creepery because of his work schedule and hang out with him in the wee hours. It’s been fun and I’ve decided, this guy may be the “fun” dude.
I still have this feeling that there’s some huge secret he has and something is up. I don’t know why I feel this way, but I do.
It also didn’t help that after asking him what it was that he wanted from me, he said he didn’t know just yet, it was too early to tell. But he did know he didn’t want to hurt me.
I told him I’m not necessarily fragile, nor a hard rock, but um, no I don’t want to be hurt.
I never understand men when they say things like that. Why pursue me? Why be all interested if you just know you hurt people?
I told him that I don’t know what I want from him either and that he’s a fun person, and it wouldn’t hurt to have more fun in my life. So fun guy. He will be the fun guy. I’ve had fun guys before, and one actually turned into a boyfriend. And maybe that’s what I’ve been in need of for right now. So, we’ll see how it goes.
“Woke up this morning feeling fresh to death, I’m so blessed, yes, yes.” -Jill Scott
I’m in a really good mood today. The sun is shining, I have on what I call my Michelle Obama blue dress, that reminds me of something vintage. My hair is curly and shiny (a little upset about the shrinkage, but oh well). I’m wearing my favorite heels.
My car runs, I’ve paid all my bills for the month with a little left over. I have a job to go to. A job I’ve been at for 7 years. I’ve been able to grow and learn and work with really great people. I can work from home once a week. People trust my judgement and they know I’m smart. That’s a huge blessing. Even somedays when I feel ungrateful, I still know I’m in a position that many wish they had.
I’m going to lunch with one of my favorite co-workers today for Restaurant Week.
I found swimsuits on sale at Macy’s that allow me to feel good about my body while on my trip to Curacao in a few weeks.
A pair of shorts I really wanted finally went on sale. It was the only pair left, in my size and I got to use a $10 off coupon to reduce the price even more.
Oh, and I’m going to Curacao. I’ve never been there. I’ve been watching videos and pinning photos from pinterest. My excitement is increasing. I haven’t gone on a vacation like that since, hmmm 2008, I think. Cabo San Lucas. I’m thrilled. And like before, my homegirl had to push and peer pressure and I finally took the days off and made arrangements to go.
I feel so good today.
I have an apartment that reflects how ecclectic I am and it’s homey and comfortable and filled with things I enjoy.
I’m becoming a better cook everyday. I can feel it. I just made some simple drumsticks last night and it made me super happy. Old Bay on baked chicken is my new secret weapon!
I’m blessed.
I have wonderful friends and family and people who love and support me. My friends and my family are loving people, they are smart and even when I’m feeling jerky, or distant, they still reach out to me they still care and I know they do. They make me smile and they make me laugh.
I’m proud of them when they accomplish something that’s important to them and I rejoice with them. I’m glad when they try something new and escape their comfort zone.
I want to find a great book to read, that tends to make me happy and make me feel smarter.
When I was pumping my gas, I thought to myself about an article that said women will be their most prettiest and sexiest in their 30s. 31, to be exact. Ding, ding, ding. I thought, wow, I’m not going to be this physically awesome with such great skin and hair and strength, so enjoy this girl! And I held my head higher. I totally felt better. It almost seems fitting I’ll be celebrating a dear friend’s 31st birthday with her in gorgeous Curacao. I’ve been 31 for several months now, but what a great year, to go on such a great trip.
So when I shared with un-Common this morning how wonderful I felt, he told me to make the day count. And I will.
I encourage you all today to just count your blessings one by one, even if it’s being able to have a cup of green tea in the peace and quiet of your home when you got up this morning. Sit with those blessings for a minute and think about how fortunate you are. It will be an instant pick-me-up! I am simply blessed even by you visiting my blog. Thank you!
When we first met, I said I knew you were trouble.
You asked me, how did I know?
I said I felt it in my bones.
You said, what does that feel like?
It feels like a splash of cold water to the face and hot coals on my feet all at the same time.
It feels like standing in front of a speaker and letting the baseline pulsate, vibrate and jump up and down inside your chest and loving the vibration.
It feels like lying to your mamma about why you came home so late, getting away with it and not feeling guilty.
It’s like stepping outside of an air-conditioned building and being smacked in the face with brutal, stifling heat.
It’s refusing to change your sheets after the earth-shattering love you made has long left the building.
It’s lusting for someone in the middle of church. Holding your legs together tight, and not praying for forgiveness.
It’s claiming someone else’s kid on your taxes and spending the refund on something outrageous that only satisfies and makes sense to you.
It’s leaving the last damn swallow of milk in the carton and putting it back in the fridge.
It’s laughing a bit when someone trips and falls.
It’s laughing so hard, you’ve peed a bit.
It’s having one more slice of tiramisu so, you know, it won’t go to waste.
It’s pretending you weren’t that drunk and just calmly excusing yourself to go throw up and return as if nothing happened at all.
It’s doing something you know you aren’t supposed to and deciding the ass whopping to come when you get caught will be as equally justified as it was worth it.
You folks are getting a double post today. The previous post, I actually wrote yesterday. I didn’t think it was the greatest piece of literary work, but I decided to go with it because it lays the groundwork for today’s post.
I’ve decided to name the new guy un-Common. Lol. He looks like Common, but he’s not. It works. It’s kind of catchy too, but not a diss to him, I think he is uncommon and different and I like that very much.
But here is my conundrum. He’s older than me and I don’t care. I just don’t. I’ve decided I just want to have fun so I’m not going to ask the questions that normally crush my soul. I know he isn’t married. Check. Not sure if he has kids. And he might. He hasn’t confirmed or denied, and when I offered up that I had no kids, he didn’t quickly reply, “I don’t either.”
So he has kids. Probably. LOL.
And since I had already decided upon meeting him, that he could get it, if he gets it, I don’t care either. Maybe I need a faux non-relationship, relationship right now. But not the kind of faux non-relationship, relationship I have with Kyle Barker where I’m just really not getting anything in return except rug burn and remorse.
Maybe after having such an emotional time with my ex and having the realization that he can’t and won’t be there for me despite his own problems and issues and does avoid facing things about me and concerning me head on, yup. Can’t have a man like that long-term. I want him to get his life together, but I don’t see it happening any time soon. And I don’t have time for that. Right now, I do need a little fun. Non-pressure fun, with a non-pressure fun person, and un-Common seems to be exactly that.
On to un-Common. I dig him. I feel that already. The kind of energy I’ve described over and over on the blog. He interests me. I’m interested in his thoughts I like the idea of flirting with him. The one problem I may run into with him is he works the night shift. His weekend is Sunday and Monday.
So even if I want to talk to him, he either needs to hit me up during the day, or we talk a little bit after he gets off of work at midnight…
So as a woman who talks about and knows about prime booty call hours, does one adjust her rules about getting together in the wee hours?
I’m grown, so I guess the answer is yes.
I was settling into bed and sent a good night text. 30 minutes later he says he’s back at the Friday’s and would like to see me. Now being a natural girl, my hair wasn’t right and I was literally in the bed about to drift off to sleepy land. And I could hear my father’s voice echoing in my head, “Don’t you leave your house in the middle of the night to go meet no man at a bar.”
My father won.
And I also didn’t want to seem like the chick who is going to jump every time he wanted me.
Oh, but Mr. 30-day guarantee (his other name) wasn’t going to let me go that easily. After more flirting via text, he asked me if I wanted company.
I did.
However, I heard my dad’s voice again. “Don’t you let no man you just met up in your house after midnight.”
I mean seriously, it’s prime hours for creepery and missing panties.
And once again, I can’t go out like that even though I wouldn’t have minded being held for a little while and running my fingers through his beard.
And since I already felt how I felt, it would have been like shooting fish in a barrel for him.
But seriously 29tolifers, what am I supposed to do? Wait until the weekend to see this guy even though I’d like to see him?
Or eventually let him in for a night-cap?
He already told me there were no hidden agendas (he’s supposed to) and that he really just enjoyed my company and wanted to see me.
We talked about him smelling my armpit and whether or not he knew the scientific references to women and their pheromones and fertility, and he confirmed he did.
I’ve also decided he’s a freak. I can feel it in my bones. This is one of the few times I’ve been attracted to someone and not trying to think about the future.
But if that’s the case, why am I even caring about late night freakery? I want that. But I don’t want the empty, bitter, Kyle Barker aftertaste. I do want a little friendship, some tenderness, some intimacy.
It’s actually quite fun to get to know someone, be attracted and wonder what it’s like to kiss them, wonder what it’s like for them to touch you just right and if they’ll even know how. Could this person knock it out the park the first time or will they completely drop the ball?
When my plans for D.C. Restaurant week fell through the other night, I was all dressed up with no place to go.
So, I didn’t want to go to the gym. I contemplated eating out alone at a bar, then I decided to call up my favorite local pizza spot to order a cheese slice and a piece of tiramisu, when the girl had me on hold for just far too long.
Screw it. I’ll go to Friday’s. Vanilla bean cheesecake. Happy hour dranks.
So I’m there. Minding my business. It’s not to crazy. Scoping the scene there are men around but I’m being left alone. That’s cool.
So I feel a guy sit down next to me. I sip my discounted mojito and just chill.
He and a friend of him talk while I’m still deciding on my order.
The man next to me asks me if I have a favorite football team.
I turn, and he’s actually not bad looking. He’s wearing solid black framed glasses, has nice brown eyes, and a luxurious beard. He reminds me of the rapper/actor Common and I notice tattoos on his arms.
Not bad.
We talk about what we do for a living and how long we’ve been living in this area.
He mentions that he noticed right away I was different than the usual chick who frequents the TGI Fridays because he comes there somewhat regularly. He said even without saying a word, my hair was different, my nails were plain and that I just carried myself a certain way.
So we had more drinks, and with one well-timed compliment from me, he said anything I had and will have for the rest of the night was on him.
He talked about being from the south and how he was surprised I was a New Yorker.
“You may have been born and raised in New York, but you are southern.” He gave me compliments and flirted and said the funniest things. We decided we couldn’t end the night so quickly and wound up at the casino.
More drinks, more laughs that led us to Bobby’s Burger Palace.
The Santa Fe Burger was awesome.
But back on topic, this gentleman… can’t think of a name for him yet said that basically at the end of 30 days, I was going to really know I want something to go somewhere with him, or I don’t. Which I think is valid and would happen in most cases.
He also asked me if he could leave a note in my phone.
“Remind me of what I was thinking when we met at tgif.”
So in 30 days… if he makes it that long (yall know me by now.), I’m to remind him of what he was thinking when we met.
Throughout the night he made jokes about how much I’d like him 30 days from now and that I’d actually clean and cook chitlings for him. Um, ok…
Oddly enough, I felt comfortable around him. It was actually kind of nice. We had the back and forth I tend to enjoy. I didn’t bother to ask him about children, but I did ask if he’s married or had ever been married. Like myself, he was engaged and it didn’t work out.
He said we’d save our sad stories for later and for the night, we’d just enjoy ourselves and have a good time. I wasn’t mad at that. When I mentioned that he reminded me of Common he said he tends to hear that often, especially if in the winter he wears a skull cap and a scarf around his neck.
So after thinking about a bunch of things this weekend including how I want and need to be loved, I also thought about my feelings and how people should and should not speak to me even if it is in the name of honesty.
So I thought to myself, I need to write down in my blog, a personal Bill of Rights to remind myself and reference it to others when folks start getting out of order when it comes to respecting me and my feelings.
It’s like raising a flag or hitting that buzzer from the board game Taboo when someone says a word on the card.
I have the right to digest what people say to me about me and interpret it how I interpret it because it’s about me. My initial reaction to what is said for better or worse is very real. Now if I’m upset by it, I have the right to be upset about it. If you know it’s going to upset me, be ready for me to be upset. If I say I don’t like what you said or I no longer want to talk about what you said, I have that right.
Why? Because even though I can be stubborn, I do need time to process what’s been said to me and I can either see where you are coming from or decide what you said was complete bullshit.
And once again, I’m allowed to do that. I’m allowed to feel what I feel. And I offer that to any of my friends and family. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO FEEL HOW YOU FEEL. DON’T LET OTHER PEOPLE CHEAT YOU OUT OF THAT. YOU ARE FEELING WHAT YOU FEEL FOR A REASON AND IT MAY NOT EVEN BE ABOUT THEM, BUT YOU FEEL THE WAY YOU DO AND IT’S OK.
One of the things I detest is when people blame me for my feelings or say I’m too sensitive.
As a person who often chooses to suck it up, when I do express my feelings of discomfort, I am being brave, I am standing up for myself, I am standing in my truth. Respect that. Honor that.
Most of my good friends, during the rare times they offend me and the even rarer times when I speak up on it, they back up, they even apologize and they drop it. They don’t blame me, they don’t accuse me of being too sensitive or being all up in my feelings. They stop. Why? Because I established the boundary, I was clear and they respected it. I don’t have to yell. I don’t have to be nasty. But I am firm, there is a change in my voice that suggests this is serious. Stop.
I have one person in my life who defends their harsh words and turns it around on me claiming, that they can’t offer me any kind of criticism, because I always take it the wrong way when it comes from them.
I explained that they often come off judgemental and downright mean and while deep down I know they don’t mean anything nasty, they can be nasty and it’s off putting.
That person simply said, they have an opinion.
I believe that having an opinion does not give one carte blanche to be reckless. Period.
The thing that bothers me the most about this person is this discussion didn’t even stem from my recent relationship issues, which could be open to a lot of criticism and emotional finger wagging.
This was about my physical appearance.
It took me aback. But it wasn’t the first time this particular person said something about my hair, clothes or weight.
So this whole mini argument started from her hinting at her dislike for a certain article of clothing I wore a few years ago and I already shut her down and told her I saw where she was going and not to be nasty. And then it all began.
I decided when it came to this person, instead of sucking it up, I was going to have to retrain her on how I wanted to be treated. So I started speaking up more when she hurt my feelings. But she was always resistant to my speaking up and would minimize my feelings or dismiss them as me being sensitive.
I don’t know if some people have a problem with me asserting myself. I know who I am. I know what I look like and after gaining a few pounds and wearing my hair natural, I feel like I’m living my life with another level of honesty and challenging myself to be and live honestly. When someone compliments me now, I really relish it because I believe them because they are seeing me and it may not be popular or beautiful to you, but it’s me.
When certain friends don’t compliment me it makes me wonder. Does how I look make them feel uncomfortable? And why?
I’ve been on this kick. I’ve been praying about God helping me see first people’s light or lack thereof.
Everyone is a human being with faults and they are special and wonderful. But there are certain people who have a light in them, even when life is difficult or not going the way they’d hoped. I want to recognize those people and encourage them more regularly. I want to share kind words with them and I hope they do the same for me.
I particularly want to see this in my circle, which really isn’t hard and I want to see it in the man who is going to become my husband. I’ve decided I can’t compromise on that. And I think describing it as a light is more accurate than what I’ve been calling it before, “that thing” “that it factor” the “za za zoo.”
It’s simple. From my man, family and friends I want to feel loved, protected, nurtured and safe. I want to feel like the people in my life will allow me rest when I am weary and they got it. They got it until I get more strength and return to the game, so I can in turn help them when they are tired.
I need the people in my life to give me kind words and compliment me. It isn’t vain. I want people in my life to compliment me physically. Who doesn’t? I have no problem telling the people in my life they look beautiful or handsome. Because people need that. I don’t care what anyone says.
I have real friends who really love me and I know they do. I love them too.
I can be immovable when I want my way. Which can be a good thing in pursuit of a positive goal.
But on the flip side, it can be detrimental to my soul. When I have a vision– from the contents of a gift bag I’m making for friends and family, to a picnic, to a tee-shirt photo shoot, I see the final product in my mind and I want the pieces to come together and I bend and pull and stretch and even push others with me all the way to the finish line.
Usually my visions almost always turn out even better than I expected which makes all of the moments of discomfort and craziness beyond worth it.
My vision of a happily ever after with my ex, did resurface.
I was frustrated with my friends because they didn’t understand me, but at the same time they understood me all too well. They understood my laser-like vision when I’ve decided to put my entire everything into something. Some remained quiet. Some were more vocal. I didn’t want to hear any of it and I still don’t and it’s honest. Even for some of them reading the post, I don’t really want to talk about it.
He texted me within an hour of losing his job yesterday.
And what was I doing?
Thinking about who I knew or didn’t know to help him find another job.
He was a grown man, who never solved any of my problems. He never dropped everything to fix things for me and make it all better.
But just like when he got into the car accident when we were together, I hopped on a plane in a matter of hours and I was there.
He wasn’t even hurt. The car was totaled, he was just shaken up.
But I ran in. Captain Save A Brother.
He had a difficult childhood. Most of his life was difficult. I was going to be the sunshine, the healer. The one to make up for several years of pain.
But who was I to take that on?
I’ve had difficulties too. I’ve had deep pains that I knew were impossible for others to comprehend. I had secret fears that would destroy my sleep, tighten my chest and leave me gasping for air in the middle of the night.
I’ve suffered adversity and loss.
When I was in the professional fight of my life with a serious foe trying to take me down, he was tired of me always complaining about my job. I was being paranoid that someone was trying to destroy me and what about his day?
If that was my struggle every day, I needed someone to listen and be compassionate every day. That’s what I fucking needed. I didn’t need money, I didn’t need my ass kissed. I just needed compassion for what I was going through and a co-signer to say nasty things about the chick and hold me up.
Someone out there would love me enough to work through it, even if it seemed to them like I was paranoid. Someone out there would not want me to carry that level of stress every single day. They would want to fix it, they would offer to even go to my job and punch ol girl in the face and risk jail time. But they wouldn’t blame me for being selfish when someone is stealing my ideas, trying to discredit me and fuck with my money. They would be team Me all day no matter what.
I’m upset that I love someone so much who needs me so much emotionally all the time and I give so much emotionally, even when I don’t have to, but when I’m alone and crying at night, or can’t sleep, or can’t get out of my funk, I have zero support. We haven’t been together for nearly three years and you still got all of these problems. And I’m still willing to run out in the middle of traffic. For you.
Pathetic.
I asked myself today, “When has he ever come, guns blazing to rescue or support me?”
The realization was crushing. I kept trying to think of a time when I struggled or had a major problem and aside from taking some money out of our joint account, emotionally what has he attempted to fix on my behalf? When has he rushed to come save me, protect me and whoop emotional ass to restore my piece of mind? Even at the height of our relationship, it seemed his problems were our problems and my problems were mine to fix alone. Even the ending of our relationship was clearly our problem, but I was left to deal with the aftermath of it, alone.
He does not know how to love me the way I need to be loved.
I let the bullshit cesspool of dating that I’ve been a part of for the last year or so convince me the grass was greener. That if I had him, I at least had something. Two weeks ago, yes I loved his smile, how he looked (he looked good) the familiar ways he touched me. But there was nothing substantial between then and now to suggest he’s changed or he’s grown or he’s any better than he was when he broke my heart and ran off like a little boy and our engagement ended.
So yesterday, when he unloaded yet another problem, I did nothing but wonder if he’d downward spiral, get down on himself or drink too much and do something dumb.
Am I a fucking parole officer? A babysitter?
He’s 31.
I am a woman with needs and desires and hopes and dreams. I don’t mind giving and sharing and loving, but I need it back. I need it back like I need water and air.
I have no clue where my husband is. But I know without a doubt this world is difficult. I need someone who is just as strong if not stronger than me to help me pull the load and then pull me and the load when I just can’t go any further. I’m a woman. I shouldn’t be pulling no grown ass capable man and the load too, all the time, everyday.
So I don’t know if he’s just emotionally lazy or if he has real problems. It’s probably both. But either way, as one friend pointed out this morning, it’s not on me.
Me: He admitted he didn’t fight for me.I’m worth fighting for and going out on a limb for.
Her: So you should check your price tag.
Mellody Hobson Lucas would never stand for no shit like that.
When people use them properly, they bring massive joy to my life.
Today, I would like to attempt compiling a few GIFs to express how I feel when I successfully did a two-strand flat twist out on my hair. Two-strand flat twist out sounds like something Gabby Douglas would do at the Olympics in the women’s gymnastics all around and scare us all because of the difficulty and danger of the routine.
I feel especially wonderful that my hair came out great, because it was a technique I never tried, and won’t take insane amounts of time, especially once I’ve mastered it.
I’ve been at work like this most of the day, because I know I’m fine (sans shades).
When I walk, I feel like this…
I look in the mirror and say…
Oh lawd, where is his hairline? Just noticed. I’ma go do his hair too.
Whoo hoo for happy hair days!!!! It’s really a big deal.
29tolife 