So I’m sitting at my desk fighting tears.
I have real friends who really love me and I know they do. I love them too.
I can be immovable when I want my way. Which can be a good thing in pursuit of a positive goal.
But on the flip side, it can be detrimental to my soul. When I have a vision– from the contents of a gift bag I’m making for friends and family, to a picnic, to a tee-shirt photo shoot, I see the final product in my mind and I want the pieces to come together and I bend and pull and stretch and even push others with me all the way to the finish line.
Usually my visions almost always turn out even better than I expected which makes all of the moments of discomfort and craziness beyond worth it.
My vision of a happily ever after with my ex, did resurface.
I was frustrated with my friends because they didn’t understand me, but at the same time they understood me all too well. They understood my laser-like vision when I’ve decided to put my entire everything into something. Some remained quiet. Some were more vocal. I didn’t want to hear any of it and I still don’t and it’s honest. Even for some of them reading the post, I don’t really want to talk about it.
He texted me within an hour of losing his job yesterday.
And what was I doing?
Thinking about who I knew or didn’t know to help him find another job.
He was a grown man, who never solved any of my problems. He never dropped everything to fix things for me and make it all better.
But just like when he got into the car accident when we were together, I hopped on a plane in a matter of hours and I was there.
He wasn’t even hurt. The car was totaled, he was just shaken up.
But I ran in. Captain Save A Brother.
He had a difficult childhood. Most of his life was difficult. I was going to be the sunshine, the healer. The one to make up for several years of pain.
But who was I to take that on?
I’ve had difficulties too. I’ve had deep pains that I knew were impossible for others to comprehend. I had secret fears that would destroy my sleep, tighten my chest and leave me gasping for air in the middle of the night.
I’ve suffered adversity and loss.
When I was in the professional fight of my life with a serious foe trying to take me down, he was tired of me always complaining about my job. I was being paranoid that someone was trying to destroy me and what about his day?
If that was my struggle every day, I needed someone to listen and be compassionate every day. That’s what I fucking needed. I didn’t need money, I didn’t need my ass kissed. I just needed compassion for what I was going through and a co-signer to say nasty things about the chick and hold me up.
Someone out there would love me enough to work through it, even if it seemed to them like I was paranoid. Someone out there would not want me to carry that level of stress every single day. They would want to fix it, they would offer to even go to my job and punch ol girl in the face and risk jail time. But they wouldn’t blame me for being selfish when someone is stealing my ideas, trying to discredit me and fuck with my money. They would be team Me all day no matter what.
I’m upset that I love someone so much who needs me so much emotionally all the time and I give so much emotionally, even when I don’t have to, but when I’m alone and crying at night, or can’t sleep, or can’t get out of my funk, I have zero support. We haven’t been together for nearly three years and you still got all of these problems. And I’m still willing to run out in the middle of traffic. For you.
I asked myself today, “When has he ever come, guns blazing to rescue or support me?”
The realization was crushing. I kept trying to think of a time when I struggled or had a major problem and aside from taking some money out of our joint account, emotionally what has he attempted to fix on my behalf? When has he rushed to come save me, protect me and whoop emotional ass to restore my piece of mind? Even at the height of our relationship, it seemed his problems were our problems and my problems were mine to fix alone. Even the ending of our relationship was clearly our problem, but I was left to deal with the aftermath of it, alone.
He does not know how to love me the way I need to be loved.
I let the bullshit cesspool of dating that I’ve been a part of for the last year or so convince me the grass was greener. That if I had him, I at least had something. Two weeks ago, yes I loved his smile, how he looked (he looked good) the familiar ways he touched me. But there was nothing substantial between then and now to suggest he’s changed or he’s grown or he’s any better than he was when he broke my heart and ran off like a little boy and our engagement ended.
So yesterday, when he unloaded yet another problem, I did nothing but wonder if he’d downward spiral, get down on himself or drink too much and do something dumb.
Am I a fucking parole officer? A babysitter?
I am a woman with needs and desires and hopes and dreams. I don’t mind giving and sharing and loving, but I need it back. I need it back like I need water and air.
I have no clue where my husband is. But I know without a doubt this world is difficult. I need someone who is just as strong if not stronger than me to help me pull the load and then pull me and the load when I just can’t go any further. I’m a woman. I shouldn’t be pulling no grown ass capable man and the load too, all the time, everyday.
So I don’t know if he’s just emotionally lazy or if he has real problems. It’s probably both. But either way, as one friend pointed out this morning, it’s not on me.
Me: He admitted he didn’t fight for me. I’m worth fighting for and going out on a limb for.
Her: So you should check your price tag.
Mellody Hobson Lucas would never stand for no shit like that.