I’ve been listening to a lot of Mary J. Blige, India.Arie, Emili Sande and a song by Chrisette Michele called I don’t know why, but I do.
After extending the invite for my ex-fiance to come and visit to help him clear his head and possibly start the defunkedified process (that he needs to complete solo), a few things crossed my mind.
1. What the hell did I do?
2. Am I really this strong? Or am I nuts?
3. Why does this feel like the right thing to do?
4. Why am I actually calm?
Then came the response email from him.
He said he didn’t know what to think and that of all of the people in the world to show that kind of love and care, it’s difficult for him to accept it from me. ESPECIALLY me. (He put that in all caps.)
He proceeded to shock me even further when he said that he is open to coming and will start looking into flights.
This doesn’t necessarily mean that he’ll still show up, but the fact that he says he’s open to it, leads me to believe that is progress. He said he’d been running from this for too long, and that he wanted to come and see me in April, but decided against it. He said he imagined over and over the various ways our reunion would go.
So, it appears he may just take me up on my offer.
I decided to keep my response short and sweet.
I told him that I was glad he was open to the visit and that I am not going to take back my invite at any point and that he was welcome. I told him to not second guess or talk himself out of it, but to simply come.
We’ll have good food, catch up and go and have a good time.
I told him I really didn’t know why I felt so strongly about this at this moment in time, but I do and that our encounter would be equally as risky for me as it is for him.
I told him to keep me posted on the flights and closed it out.
From a spiritual standpoint, I feel like this is a real test of my faith and all of the things I’ve been saying that I’ve been learning about myself and personal growth.
It is about taking a huge emotional leap, which is something I have not done.
Is this potentially dangerous?
But my gut is saying that I am safe. I have enough in me to deal with him coming, seeing him face-to-face, showing him love and concern and support and then dealing with the aftermath.
I have no clue what is going to happen. But I know that if at any point, I have the right to and can simply say ok, this is enough, I’m not comfortable and we can cut it short.
You, my blog family know about this. I’ve decided not to really tell folks, because clearly, everyone in my life isn’t a fan of this guy. And I don’t blame them. If I wasn’t me, I would lovingly say, you need to leave this alone, or I don’t agree, but you have to do what you have to do.
The thing I keep thinking about is, what I’m doing isn’t even about forgiveness. I forgave him a very long time ago. Forgiveness isn’t even on my mind. He still needs to do the work to forgive himself and shake his feelings of unworthiness and self-loathing. I’ma need him to listen to Anthony Hamilton’s “Life Has a Way” on repeat.
Anyway, when I prayed for my own healing, when I’ve been seeking to better myself, a chance to prove what I’ve really learned and if I’m the woman I think I’m trying to be has presented itself.
Be that chick, chick.
It’s not easy. On one level, it seemed to be an impulsive act rooted in my wanting to help people I love, on another it was a direct challenge that said, if you are thinking on another level, if you are loving people on another level, then here is the person who has hurt you like no other.
Can you see his humanity? Yes. Have you distanced yourself and strengthened yourself enough to be there for him as a friend without taking on his burden for him and losing yourself?
Can you be an instrument of God, and show him that love is real and strong and forgiving and that forgiveness is a gift that we are all allowed to be shown? Totally.
I feel like this is beyond our history. This is deeper than me proving something to myself about my healing and growth.
I had a previous moment like this when dealing with a rival at work. The more hateful she became, I took myself out of the equation and decided this person has been hurt and hurt to such a point it’s destroyed her self-esteem and self-worth and has tried to stamp out whatever good may be in her. She sees something in me and it bothers her. It’s not about me.
Keep in mind, it took me a few years. This chick was trying to ruin my life, but when I started to see it from that point of view, it changed me and how I dealt with her. I still get irritated by her, but I have sympathy. I could not say that a few years ago. But making the conscious choice to see her humanity, I had to stop letting my hate for her build up inside of me. She has to be carrying around some painful stuff, to feel the need to treat others the way she does.
I’ve said before that my ex has a lot of pain and has programmed himself to feel like the only way to deal with it is to deal with it alone and for some reason feel like he deserves this non-stop pain and self-punishment.
It is not my responsibility to fix it. But if I have a chance to show God’s love, because His love is far greater than mine will ever be, and if my ex can see that God in me, then maybe things can change for him.
It does seem extreme that the person he hurt the most is rallying for him, but God’s love is extreme and huge and inexplicable. And that’s part of the reason that I feel so strongly about doing this and not knowing why. Maybe I’m not supposed to until God’s work in this situation is finished. And when it’s done, it’s done.
I’ve never been here before. And I don’t know anyone else who has been here before. That’s what makes this particularly daunting, and that’s what let’s me know this is the path I’ve got to walk.
I’m not afraid of him hurting me again.
I’m doing this for the right, albiet unknown reasons.
I’m going to walk by faith.