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Archive for the month “May, 2012”

Relationship *Aspergers’

I’m an asshole.

I’m already an asshole for naming this post what I named it.

*I am in no way trying to make fun of Aspergers’ Syndrome. It’s a very real thing that people struggle with everyday.

But a particular aspect of the syndrome in terms of social interaction and appearance of disregard for others feelings kind of fits in totally with what I’m trying to explain today.

I went from not speaking up enough and suffering through ridiculium in my early dating life to just saying whatever the hell is on my mind now, in my 30s.

I’m a real jerk. But I kind of feel like I’m not. I’m just finally standing up for what works and what doesn’t work for me. I can’t lie anymore, I can’t pacify.

I knowingly exchanged numbers with a man, who seems to be nice.

He seems to be trying but I say what I please to this man, with very little regard to his feelings.

Why?

Because I now care more about my feelings. And I can’t stand when folks don’t come correct.

Dating is like a job interview and it should be damn it. You should do your research, you should put your best foot forward. You shouldn’t embellish your skills or achievements and you should be honest and realistic about your not-so-excellent qualities.

But like an interviewer, if you turn me off, you turn me off. If you’ve got potential or that certain something, then for what you lack in certain areas, I’m going to give you points in other areas. If you don’t dress well, or tell off-color jokes early on,  or show up late or unprepared, I can’t take you seriously.

I can’t take you seriously because you didn’t take yourself seriously or the great opportunity I’m trying to give you seriously enough.

Back to this guy.

He’s pissed me off too many times this week before we’ve even gone out.

Oh yeah, he already planned a date and then canceled because he realized there was a basketball game he wanted to see on television.

He realized how dumb his voicemail sounded, so he followed up with a phone call saying so, and that “I was more important than basketball.”

My Aspergers’ kicked in and I told him, “You don’t know that yet.”

He also sent a random text saying, “I want a wife to get me a visa.”

Here comes my relationship Aspergers’…To which I responded, “Are you foreign? Or do you have no credit?”

Then he wanted our first date to be at a barbeque he was invited to.

I told him no and that it was too personal. I don’t even know him and bbqs are already awkward when you don’t know anyone there and then they ask you, “Who’d you come with?” Then I have to say, “Oh so and so. This is our first date.”

But even after all of that, I was willing to go out with him after work to have a little food and some drinks today.

It is a well-known place that shows sports events on massive screens.

But then one of my boys pointed out it was 50-cent wing night.

That’s when I lost it and decided I needed to cancel.

Then about an hour later it hit me that this dude was just telling me about a really expensive meal he had at a downtown DC restaurant just days ago.

And I get 50-cent wings….

On the first date.

No bueno.

So to cancel, I sent the following text.

“I have to cancel. Something just doesn’t feel right. I also have a feeling you may be significantly older than me and I should have been more honest. I’m not really interested in dating men with kids. It’s not fair to take it any further when I already feel this way. I’m sorry. You seem really nice. But I got to follow my gut. I’m really sorry.”

He didn’t cuss me out. He just said, “Ok. Have a good one.”

Took it like a champ.

My boy said I was ice-cold.

But I just don’t have the time or patience. I think I did him a favor. I know what I don’t want. I know the feeling I get when I really like someone.

This ain’t it.

Let me have it. Am I a jerk?

‘R You Ready for a Wonderful day?’

I get to work this morning and I look at my phone.

My ex (ex fiance I am still recovering from) sends me a text asking if we can talk later today.

He’s been going through some tumultuous family drama, and me being me, I agreed.

As soon as my mind started spinning, and my chest started to tighten, consumed with whatever he wants to talk to me about, I was pinged with another text.

This one from a male friend with whom there is an undeniable mutual attraction, but we find a way to argue everyday.

Aside from saying good morning, he said something that hit me like a tranquilizer dart.

“R you ready for a wonderful day?”

I was on the verge of the spiral, when I remembered all I’ve been gaining for nearly a year and a half, the pain, the setbacks, the small and large victories.

I realized I haven’t felt this good about myself in a long time, and with one text message, I was about to worry and second guess myself into oblivion.

I couldn’t go back. Regardless of what my ex has to say (and yes, I will talk to him because I said I would, and yes I actually care about him to offer my support) I’m going to remember something a fellow blogger L from Not So Skinny Genes said in a recent post that resonated with me since I read it.

“I will be the same amount of happy that I am right now, or I will be happier than I am right now. Because I’ve spelled everything out, and presented the option… regardless of their choice I will be able to feel confident that I didn’t hold anything back. There were no surprises. I valued myself.”

I already applied this theory to dealing with a difficult friend earlier this week, and I’m going to apply it again, when facing my ex later on today.

“R you ready for a wonderful day?”

Even though I fight with this guy friend on a regular basis, there are times he says things that just hit me over the head.

There was so much irony in the timing and who it came from.

“R you ready for a wonderful day?”

It was like he was opening a brand new door in my mind that had to have been there all along, but suddenly appeared out of nowhere today.

Was I going to choose to spend my entire day obsessing and agonizing over what my ex has to say 8 or 9 hours from now and letting that affect me and ruin my day?

He no longer has that right.

As another friend pointed out, he relinquished any right to me owing him anything when he spontaneously said he didn’t think he had what it took to be a good enough husband for me and simply walked away.

I choose my wonderful day.

I choose door number two.

“R you ready for a wonderful day?”

To which I replied,

“Yes. Yes, I am. Ironic. I got a text from someone who could potentially ruin my day and/or everything I’ve been working so hard to rebuild and you say that. It’s a good reminder. I’m ready for consistent wonderful days.”

She Get It From Her Momma

I was in a store yesterday and there was a sale on lovely sundresses.

I mean a stupid, ridiculous sale. I purchased a sexy awesome one for a beach wedding I’m attending, and then the other was simple, floral, with buttons down the front.

It looked almost exactly like a sundress my mother would wear on our family vacations in the South.

I was drawn to it. I tried it on and it was comfortable and just lovely. It was soooo my mom. I had to have it.  I also bought a full silk slip, which has also been a staple of my mother’s wardrobe.

As we get older, it’s funny the things we start to do or like because our mothers did or liked them. You feel a connection to her style, you admire it, because after all she is your first introduction to womanhood.

From an early age, you mimic her walk, her talk and always try to put on her high heels or makeup. Throughout your life, people wind up telling you there is something in you that is exactly her.

So in honor of my mom, and the dress, I’m passing on some great blogs that celebrate our mothers as fashion icons.

First up is Of Another Fashion. This blog showcases vintage photos of stylish women of color. It blows me away every time.

Lucky Magazine also has a popular feature called “My Mom, the Style Icon.”

There is also a blog and a book of the same name, “My Mom, the Style Icon.”

Weekend Wonders

Hello campers!

I’ve missed you folks, but I’ve been busy this weekend taking a break from everything even blogging– and having a blast.

The brief hiatus has actually been fruitful because I’m brimming with things to discuss.

First things first.

Shout out to all of the veterans, all of the service people who fight for the freedom of Americans and other global citizens everywhere, and let us remember those who lost their lives in service to our nation. That, after all is what Memorial Day is all about. So while I’m glad I had a three-day weekend where I got to get blasted off of wine as early as 10:30 a.m. or saw the Avengers or got to kick it on a beach, I got to do all of those things without fear, because folks take great care to protect our beautiful country.

Now back to my weekend. I decided to check out a Caribbean wine festival at a local vineyard with some homies, and I was impressed. Thankfully, we arrived early because folks weren’t playing. We simply had blankets, snacks and a cooler filled with water and Gatorade because it was H-O-T. I had to learn the hard way that not eating breakfast, sampling wine, having friendly neighbors who liked to share the bottles and bottles of wine they purchased, while sitting in the hot sun can leave one, well dehydrated and eventually nauseous.

The grounds were packed. So much so, you could not see a blade of grass on the whole place by noon (the event started at 10 a.m.). Folks were so prepared, there was even a designated area for tents and those folks were bringing large platters of food and made a day of it for real. There was live music and a great dj. A large dancing area and places for folks to hula hoop. I did want to eventually dance, but me getting sick didn’t help the cause.

I’m partially ashamed and partially proud of myself for finding a place to vomit discreetly amongst the sea of humanity (around the side of a building where there was lovely landscaping and wood chips to kick over the evidence when I was done. Nasty, yes, but efficient and non-offensive to other revelers.)

I had to recover for the rest of the night after I showered.

Sunday, I met up with my friend and we headed to the beach, and so did everyone else so much so, the beach was closed to more folks and we were told we could return hours later, which ended up working out better for us. So we went to a nearby mall, saw The Avengers which was awesome!!! I’m in love with Robert Downey Jr. ever since Iron Man I and I think the guy who played Captain America was super hot too. But Bob is my boy. Swagger for days and days and days. That dark hair, that beard. I LOVE MEN WITH FACIAL HAIR.

We also spent that time learning that red velvet cake ice cream does indeed exist and now I can’t stop thinking about it.

So after all of that, we were able to return to a far less crowded beach, and the sand did not burn our feet and the water felt awesome. We were out there for about an hour and a half, and I’m totally glad we weren’t out there in the peak craziness of the day and in the blistering heat. It worked out. I am ridiculously proud of myself for just going with the flow and wherever the day took me.

I’m also proud of me because I didn’t eat like a fool. All this progress and an upcoming wedding in California is keeping me honest. I wore a two-piece swimsuit yesterday that I wore like five years ago in Mexico. I’m a rockstar. I wore some plaid short shorts today, that I know I couldn’t button months ago. It’s an American holiday weekend. I deserved a real burger, so I had one, but I didn’t have fries with it, I didn’t put cheese on it and I drank water with it and I didn’t feel all bloated and nasty after.

I’m also ridiculously proud of me because this weekend marks the second anniversary of my proposal. I don’t remember last year because I was simply trying to get through it and get over the fact that it all imploded on me. This year, I didn’t cry, and I actually didn’t remember because I was too busy having so much fun.

This was a great Memorial Day weekend, and I have a feeling this is going to be the last year I refer to it as the anniversary of my proposal.

Old news girlfriend. You made it. Patting myself on the back.

Oh yeah, and life is awesome because I’m going to California for the first time ever in like two weeks. I’m thrilled. I’ve never technically been to the West Coast, except if you consider Vegas the west. But I’m going to be chillin in lovely Catalina with some of my favorite family members and it’s going to be epic. What’s even better is my cousin said the wedding is super low-key and beachy that I can get away with a gorgeous flowy dress I just purchased for $14. It’s a long turquoise dress, that has a low v-cut in the back. I’m going to rock some gladiator sandals and an awesome statement necklace and it’s on and poppin. I’m just struggling with the gift for the bride and groom. The groom, my cousin has been married, well a couple of times and he’s older and can afford whatever he pleases. I don’t want to bring anything cheap, but I’m clearly not rolling like he is. So I’m down for thoughtful, budget-friendly suggestions.

Summer is officially here. Let’s get it.

Zumba Progress

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Just to show you the proof of my hard work only twice a week for the last two months, look at all the space in waist of my fave William Rast for Target jeans! Unreal. Don’t look at my tum! Just the waist space!! Goood morning!!

Impromptu Poetry: You Sir Are Dangerous

You sir, are dangerous.

You are the pretty amber glow of a scalding hot stove top begging to be touched.

The desire to swim after eating.

A half-full box of Cracker Jacks, hurled over the fence despite warning signs advising not to feed the animals.

You are the urge to walk under ladders and step on every sidewalk crack on the way home, mother’s back be damned.

You are desert before dinner.

You are a violated curfew worth getting an epic ass whuppin for.

You sir, are dangerous.

Like It Or Not, You Are a Representative for What You Believe In

artemisphoto/freedigitalphotos.net

Today’s post has been rattling around in my mind now for about a week.

About twice a week, I go to my local 711 which is a convenience store and gas station to get my gas. From time to time, I also indulge in an iced coffee and a glazed doughnut.

Every time I walk out of the store, there is a car, with two women sitting inside who quietly ask if you have time to talk about Jesus.

I politely say no thanks, but today I was annoyed by them. I barely heard them today as I walked past, but I realized what they were doing and said, oh, these are the same ladies.

Now as much as the Jehovah Witness people annoy me in terms of their aggressiveness, showing up to our doorsteps just when we are about to have dinner, I respect their hustle and their zeal. They still annoy me and I pretend I’m not home.

I’d also like to shout out the Mormon boys in black slacks and white shirts riding bicycles– often times in the hood–not looking the least bit worried. They are gangsta, but they are committed.

These women setting up shop in a Camry, I should ask them what church they go to so I can rat them out, or help them out by telling whoever is in charge of that particular outreach ministry, to just put these ladies out of their misery.

Not everyone is a sales person, it’s either that or they’ve lost faith in what they are supposed to be selling. I can’t recall if these women sitting in the car this year, were the same women walking up to people at the pumps and being rejected last year. So they just gave up.

Either these ladies need to quit, or their church needs to grab a page from the Mary Kay book and give these chicks a pink car as an incentive and recharge them up about the message and vision. Mary Kay ladies, Avon ladies those women are passionate about their products. They are looking good, they are confident, they make you want to be a part of the brand, not only by buying the products, but selling them too!

So it made me think. If you are representing your church and your God and you want people to join and be down with it and you are doing it in such a lackluster, lazy way, it’s not very attractive. I don’t want to go to that church if this is how the people who signed up to be there really feel about it.

Why do you think so many people go to mega churches these days?

It has to be good if this many people show up here every week. I want to be a part of this group.

When I lived in the south, the first thing people asked me was, “What church do you go to?” That affiliation meant something and the folks down there were serious about it. If you didn’t have the connection, even if you were almost the devil yourself, they kind of questioned your connection to the community. And among the elite southern black folk, the question that followed or preceded the church question was, to what sorority/fraternity do you belong. Southern folks want to know where you stand, what you believe in and what you represent.

Those ladies made me drill down deeper in my own thoughts and made me think about the fact that whether or not I like it, I’m a representative of all sorts of things. I represent where I’m from, where I’ve been and what I believe.

So, you all know me, I made a list.

I represent my family. My folks reminded me of this every time I acted a fool. And because I come from a small town and a well-known family that was active in said town, the stakes were higher. I represented my last name and there were expectations.

Where I’m from. I’m proud to be from New York and I’m proud to be a Long Islander.

Women. I represent women. I believe in women, I believe in the advancement and empowerment of women and our value to the world. So I have to represent those things by respecting myself, respecting other women, and trying to help uplift other women.

Howard University. This is a big one, I love, love, love my school. Me and my fellow alums we beam with pride. We stand on the shoulders of other great alumni that came before us and you cannot leave that place without feeling like it is a part of you and you a part of it.

Journalism. I represent journalism, because I am a journalist. I’ve been doing it for years and it is a part of who I am. I argue it’s merits and talk about the craft of reporting and accuracy and source building in an age of blogging and being able to add information to Wikipedia sites. People trust the media less than ever, and there are folks like me who are crying out not to shut us out, because we seriously are trying to get you the correct information while so much other information is flying around out there.

Black Folk. Yeah I said it. Everywhere I go, I can’t hide my color. It’s important to me to negate stereotypes, by being me.

Faith. I consider myself to be a liberal Christian. I’m working on myself daily and find myself having longer and more deep, real conversations with God. I learned a long time ago, people who take their role as a representative seriously without badgering people to come to church, but just by letting their light shine consistently entices others to come to church on their own.

Speaking of representation of beliefs and organizations, I’ll give you two examples.

A dear friend of mine is an excellent photographer. She talks about it all the time, she talks about it with such love and passion. It’s changed her life. She is obsessed with getting better and she surrounds herself with people and experiences to get better and she makes a number of sacrifices to achieve goals she’s set within her craft. She makes me think about the things I’m passionate about and go after them with the same ferocity. She is indeed an ambassador and representative of photography.

Another dear friend of mine joined a sorority after college. She loves her sorority, not just because she has a bunch of clothes and accessories and art work celebrating the Greek letters and colors, but because she believes in their values and the message and the commitment to community the group holds as it’s cornerstone. She has such passion for the organization, she travels for meetings, organizes and supports other chapter’s events. Just like my photographer friend, she lights up and can talk on and on and on about it and with passion. She makes me almost want to join, and that’s not even my thing. But all of her photos and activities and her passion for it, makes it attractive.

I feel bad for the church ladies sitting in the car. God is an awesome thing to be excited about. If they’ve lost their passion to beat the pavement to win souls, they may need to channel their energies in other Kingdom building activities.  Maybe they should teach a Sunday school class, or be the folks who volunteer in the soup kitchen or pour the communion wine in those ity bitty cups. Maybe they should help people with financial literacy or hold classes on healthy living. They are older women, maybe they can help young moms with parenting classes. There’s so much to do. There’s no excuse not to find one thing to be passionate about.

What do you represent? Or what do you think you should be representing but you’ve lost passion for it?

A Versatile Blogger? Who Me?

Thanks to faithful reader and fabulous blogger in her own right, the usual bliss, I’ve been shown the love of the Versatile Blogger award. Very, very cool! I thank you so much!

I really appreciate it when other bloggers show me love. I’m just happy folks read the posts, or like them, and I’m ecstatic when folks comment, so to even be acknowledged in such a way, it really makes me feel great!

And here are the rules:

  •  Thank the person who gave you this award. That’s common courtesy.
  •  Include a link to their blog. That’s also common courtesy — if you can figure out how to do it.
  •  Next, select 15 blogs/bloggers that you’ve recently discovered or follow regularly. ( I would add, pick blogs or bloggers that are excellent!)
  •  Nominate those 15 bloggers for the Versatile Blogger Award.
  •  Finally, tell the person who nominated you 7 things about yourself.
Now for the bloggers who I’ve recently discovered or follow regularly. I’ve been adding a lot of bloggers to the bloggers I follow, so I’m happy to share.
Hasty Words blends poetry with musings on life in such a beautiful way. She also has gorgeous eyes!
The Thread Effect is so much fun. It’s style, it’s clothes, it’s food. Three things I truly enjoy.
MindoverMadness I got turned on to this blog, because this blogger talked about life after being Freshly Pressed in a real and refreshing way, especially on the day you have 12 views after having hundreds or thousands.
SarahSmilesAwhile I just got into this blog recently. She was freshly pressed and I dug her style and decided to hang out for a while. Her homepage photo makes me want to get a Stepford Wife outfit and make mint juleps for people. As a Long Island girl, I also appreciated her photo homage to the very end of the island, Montauk.
WasThatOutLoud? is friggin funny. That is all.
Random Olio is another new blog I’ve stumbled onto, I also think by way of Freshly Pressed. I like the infusions of positivity in the posts. This blogger likes to suggest books and use great quotes from people we should be paying attention to.
I’m going to stop at 6 because I’m really tired and I still have to share 7 things about myself. The Usual Bliss is such a great supporter of my blog, she probably knows way too much about me anyway… I’m going to have to dig deep.
1. Well, you’ll be the first to know that tonight I joined howaboutwe.com. I joined an online dating site. Oh boy.  I’m sure more entertaining posts will come from this decision.
2. I used to have a terrible habit of eating ice. I thought I’d never be able to stop and some how I did. It was sooo soothing for whatever reason.  I don’t know if I changed my diet causing the cravings to cease or I now have balanced iron levels.
3. I am now obsessed with Fela Kuti since seeing the musical Fela! last night. It was just amazing.
4. I’ve been wearing my hair curly this week and I really like it. This is going to be my summer do.
5. As staunchly against polyamorous relationships as I am, I think back in the day Fela Kuti probably could have convinced me to be one of his many wives. The play made those women seem so glamorous and gorgeous. The first scene I told my friend, I want to be them…
6. One of my missions in life is to have a business so I can give at least one person a job. I feel like being able to employ a person and give them an opportunity is real power.
7. I believe in vision boards.

Hook Me Up With Your Fourth-Tier Friends

I was hanging out with a dear male friend yesterday and while catching up over BBQ chicken wings, I declared I was ready to put myself back out there and meet some guys.

I’m not sure if I want a full blown relationship, but I’m down for some dating and meeting and such.

I’m bored. I have a new hairstyle and no place to go.

He paused and rubbed his chin as he thought of prospects.

My boy knows prospects. He went to an all male college that cranks out the likes of Spike Lee and Martin Luther King Jr. for crying out loud. He travels all the time and has friends on almost every corner of the earth.

I told him since I have a tendency to drop men like a bad habit when I’m in the dating phase, to do everyone a favor and only introduce me to “fourth-tier friends.”

Meaning, I don’t want to date your best friend or guys in your circle. Think of guys who are friends of friends and maybe another friend removed. A great example is someone you added on a social network just because you know them or met them, lol.

No one gets hurt if I suddenly stop returning his phone calls, or he stops returning mine. And I can’t give my friend total blame if this fourth-tier friend is a jerk, because well, they weren’t that cool to begin with.

So why would I put myself through this if I don’t want to meet a great guy I could actually fall for or take a chance with a guy my friend knows for a fact is a great guy?

I just want to get pretty and go out on dates. I don’t even want to think about actually falling for someone. Now other friends have already told me if I just want to go out on dates, I could easily get on a dating web site and go on dates until my face turns blue. I haven’t ruled it out completely. I just don’t want to spend $30 a month to do so.

Fourth-tier also does not mean your recruiter should trot out less-than-desirable guys, oh to the contrary. They still need to be at a minimum: employed, have good personal hygiene, manners, can hold a conversation and be non-boring.

He laughed and told me he knew better than to do anything like that and would put on his thinking cap.

I also told him he had to “manufacture an organic encounter” between me and said bachelors. I.E. a party at his place, or a happy hour, or outdoor concert/festival where folks just show up and strike up conversations.

He took it upon himself to set a height requirement, even though I am known for showing love to short guys. He said they must be 5″8 or taller.

So we shall see. I wonder if the “fourth-tier friends” plan will actually work…

Crushin

I think I have a crush.

It’s been taking years to develop, but I’m willing to step forward and admit it.

There’s a really cute guy in the service department of the dealership I go to to get car repairs done.

He’s always very nice, and polite, and HONEST about the work I need to get done, and helps me figure out the least painful ways to get my car fixed and still keep me safe on the road.

He’s like a hero to me.

I’ve been gushing to everyone about how helpful he’s been during these past painful weeks of car trouble.

While some of the other guys in there over exaggerate on the estimates, he doesn’t.

I think I kind of sort of flirt with him, and I can’t figure out if he is feeling it or not. I didn’t give it much thought previously because I was in a relationship and at one point I was engaged.

But hmmm. The fact that I wore a sundress, flat ironed my hair and wore lipstick to be at the shop by 8 a.m. today, um, yup. It’s official. I have a crush.

Couple that with him saving me $300, and giving me a loaner (when they usually drop me off), I’m swooning.

He seems quiet and polite, a rarity these days. And he’d get points from my dad for knowing about cars. My dad always wants me to date a man that knows something about cars.

He seems really quiet and polite, he laughs at my jokes. I may be too much for him. I can be loud and a little crass.

He doesn’t wear a wedding ring, but who knows? He may have a girlfriend. He may have a boyfriend. He may just humor me as a customer because, well he’s supposed to be nice.

One of my homies said I should go for it.

But I already know that’s a bad move. This same friend says I have the “Erykah Badu effect” on men. I can’t decide if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

*Erykah Badu Effect: When one’s lovin is so good, it makes men ecclectic, vegetarian, go on life journeys to get themselves together post relationship. i.e. Andre 3000, Common… (For more on the Erykah Badu effect, one blogger breaks it down here in a post called, “Magic Genitals.” Too funny.)

I can’t Badu him because I like getting my car fixed there, I like him being nice to me and if it went horribly, I’m quite sure he and his colleagues would find more things wrong with my car all of a sudden.

I told my friend it was too risky.

The only way I could do it is if I bought a new car from a competing company and rolled in there to ask him out.

I also wonder if I’m romanticizing this guy because whenever I have car trouble, I’m already vulnerable and stressed out.

He could be a jerk, or a slob. He could have four babies mothers. Maybe he’s on a work release program.

Oh, but he seems so nice.

Did I mention he has one brown eye and one grey one? It’s strangely unique, thus more exciting to me.

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