Happy New Year, Going Solo Ain’t That Bad…

I can’t completely say I have the blues, but this year, I’m not super excited about the new year in the way people are expected to be and I’m not feeling like 2014 was just so horrible that I’m bidding good riddance.

I’m in an interesting here-nor-there kind of space. 2014 was a good year for me. I started grad school, I started a new job, I got some traveling in, I saw places I’d never seen and had some pretty great experiences with family and friends. I hope the blessings continue, I’m hopeful, but just not going crazy about it.

However, while yesterday, I was just feeling sad for no real reason, today, I’m just on a contemplative tip. While some of my friends have suggested that I shouldn’t be alone tonight, I kind of want to be. I don’t want to be at a noisy party, and I don’t want to be at someone else’s house.

I want to kind of be by myself, send up a prayer of thanks, have a glass of sparkling wine and take my butt to bed.

I think I’ve figured out the reason why this year I’m not pressed to have an outrageous New Year’s Eve is because the last three years, I made it my business to not concentrate on the fact that in New Year’s 2011 I was having my heart demolished and ending an engagement.

I’m not saying this to have a pity party or bring myself down. I don’t feel that way at all, I feel good about myself, and I’m glad I didn’t marry the person I thought I was supposed to. However I do realize something. The last four years haven’t been about celebrating a New Year, it’s been about being strong enough to get through the day and distract myself from a really difficult moment that happened to happen on a day that’s all about hope, where the future meets the present for one moment and we can truly leave the past in the past.

In 2012, I was all about not remembering the previous year. So, I went to a big party with some dear friends, wore a bright yellow, plunging neckline va va voom dress, with the shoes I was to wear with my bridal gown and plowed my way through the night basically giving the middle finger to a really difficult year. I was willing myself to be happy. I gave myself no other choice even if I didn’t feel that way inside.

In 2013, I thought I was healed enough to actually spend New Year’s with a date. Again, I pulled out a lovely dress, rented a hotel suite and partied the night away with a date who I got rid of shortly after Valentine’s Day. Once again, the way I celebrated didn’t line up with my reality, it was me doing what I thought I was “supposed” to be doing to prove to myself I was ok.

2014, I finally got it right. I wasn’t thinking about how to distract myself from the disaster of 2011, I embraced being with family and partied into the night with some of my favorite cousins at a simple house party. I had a ball. It wasn’t contrived. I was hugging and kissing people I truly loved at midnight and it was a great thing to share and celebrate.

I think the main reason why I don’t want to go anywhere or I don’t mind being alone this year is because how I feel is honest. And I like how that feels. This year it ain’t about nobody else, it’s about me being honest about my feelings, and that in itself is a gift. Knowing who you are and what you need and learning how to articulate that so others can love you how you need to be loved, there’s something to that.

I’m truly not trying to be non-social on one of the MOST social days of the entire year, yet for some reason THIS year, doing my own thing really appeals to me. I’m not afraid of my own company and celebrating low key and alone doesn’t make me pitiful or lonely, I just want to reflect in a more individualized kind of way.

I love friends and family and I love spending time with them. But in 2015 I want to be even more honest with the people in my life and particularly with myself. I want to tell people when they’ve hurt me or offended me without fear of their reaction. I want to not fear telling people I love the truth for fear they won’t like me anymore. I want to not fear that once a man sees the real me, the sometimes confident, sometimes self-conscious, cluttered house with books and clothes everywhere, not always put together me, he’ll lose interest.

So I want to be at home, alone this year. I don’t want anyone to judge me for it, but even if they do, I want to not even care, because that’s what will make me happy.

I want to make a delicious meal, drink a great wine and watch documentaries tonight in one of my favorite pairs of yoga pants. I want to dance to Beyonce’s 711 and give God thanks for this beautiful little life of mine and ask him for strength to get through the tough times, but the smarts to recognize the good in everything and take moments to slow down and just appreciate things and beauty and really hear music or taste food or just let my body move or let myself love and be loved if that’s what’s in the plan this year. To get better at ignoring doubt and trusting who I am and more importantly who God is. I want to pray for the peace and happiness and health of my friends and family and hope they feel loved wherever they are when the clock strikes midnight and that the feeling stays with them all year long, and they are reminded of it, when times get tough.

However you celebrate lifers, do it safely and in the company of those who love and appreciate you. Happy New Year!!!

Impromptu Poetry: Google, Walt Disney and Shakesphere. (Inspired By Kanye West)

Be my Google, Walt Disney and Shakesphere.

Change the game completely.

Create things that never existed prior to your being, but once made is irreplaceable and resistant to duplication.

Stand the test of time, but reinvent and be forever fresh.

Innovate love.

Fail, try. Fail and try some more.

Learn from the mistakes.

Marvel at the successes. Savor them.

Watch the ripple effect it causes on the lives of others.

Be a little cocky.

Challenge anyone who dare suggest you are wrong.

“You ain’t got the answers, Sway.”

Be relentless at being the best to ever have loved me.

Good Intentions

A few things have been swirling around in my head. And I’ve been making connections and comforted by the direction of where I’m headed because of the things I’m allowed to see, hear and remember.

Stay with me.

I’ve been fixed up. My sister said over the thanksgiving holiday that she didn’t understand how I could online date or meet men in random places. To her, it seemed the best way to really meet someone is getting recommendations from other people.

I’m not above that. It just always seemed my circle of friends were all in the same boat or didn’t really know anyone they thought would make a good match.

Enter a co-worker who I became fast friends with. The introduction was embarrassing, but straight to the point.

He opened a Facebook chat with all three of us, introduced us, said “ok, talk. Bye.” And we were off to the races.

Some texting and a great phone conversation later, we’ve planned for our first date. I’m nervous and excited all at the same time because our exchanges so far, without even seeing each other, have been great. Comfortable even.

If nothing else, whatever this may become will be good for me. And that is what I’m saying to the universe and I hope it accepts my sincere feeling. I would like to get to know this person and share their energy for whatever purpose they bring to my life.

What’s striking me about this person and what’s making me sit up and really take notice is just simply the way he speaks to me. It’s pleasant, it’s kind, it’s complementary. But it feels genuine. There’s an intelligent back and forth, but it doesn’t feel stuffy. He gets my sense of humor.

Weeks ago in church, the speaker talked about the extreme importance and responsibility of a man in a relationship and how he must speak positivity, and love and encouragement over his wife/girlfriend. Women kind of naturally support, but when your man speaks highly of you to others and speaks positively to you when he speaks to you, there’s something powerful about that. There’s an exchange of energy. And honestly, this can go without saying for any relationship. Kind words and being mindful of your words and being intentional about what you say goes a long way.

I can’t quite put my finger on it, but there is something intentional about the words this man uses when he speaks to me and I can feel that he’s very aware of this. There’s a confidence without being arrogant or presumptive when he makes a reference to us or the future. And when you like someone, it’s not creepy when a person says that early on, but it gives you comfort and it even gives you a compass.

Just him saying the words, “I’d like to take you out.” I knew stringing together those words were very intentional. He didn’t say, let’s hang out. Let’s chill. Meet me here or there. He said, “I’d like to take you out.” To me, this signifies that A. he’s making it clear he’s paying. B. This is a date. Not a hang out, not a meet up, not a let’s chill. This is an intentional date.

The modern dating game has been designed to be as ambiguous as possible, because no one wants to look like a fool, no one wants to like a person more than the other person likes them, no one wants to be vulnerable and take a chance because we’ve allowed ourselves to be punks and then congratulate ourselves for keeping our true feelings to the vest.

There are other things he’s said, other interests that dovetail with mine that have impressed me thus far. Now time and his actions will tell the rest. It’s not all one-sided. I want to be interesting and engaging and attractive to this person as well. I want him to see a light and positivity in me.

But oddly enough, I have an oddly good feeling about this… The fact that I’m struggling to pinpoint and articulate these feelings of excitement suggests that maybe I am headed in the right direction and it’s actually best that I can’t make sense of what I feel. I told a friend to remember a conversation we had tonight just in case this man is actually the one and to remember something else I kept saying years ago about something pretty unique and difficult to have that I wanted when I got married and the fact that he said he could actually make it happen.

Speaking over your life… speaking over the life of the ones you love. Intention. Love intentionally.

I do want to leave you with the definition of intention. The medical definition also hit me over the head. I like this word even more.

Intention:

• a thing intended; an aim or plan.

  “she was full of good intentions”

  • the action or fact of intending.

    “intention is just one of the factors that will be considered”

    synonyms:

    intent, intentionality, deliberateness, design, calculation, meaning; More premeditation, forethought, preplanning; malice aforethought “he managed, without intention, to upset me”

  • a person’s designs, especially a man’s, in respect to marriage.

    plural noun: someone’s intentions; plural noun: one’s intentions

    “if his intentions aren’t honorable, I never want to see him again”
• 2.

  Medicine

  the healing process of a wound.

 

The Boo Trip

Last night, as I was having my marathon sleep session after a really wonderful Thanksgiving trip out of town, I got a text from a good friend.
She was saying that she wanted to take a girls trip at the beginning of the year, since she’d have about a full week before she starts a new job and probably wouldn’t have an opportunity to just take a bunch of days off once she started.
I thought it was a great idea and a great reason until she kept talking.
She went on to say the next trip she’d want to take later in that year around her annual birthday trip, she hopes will be a “boo trip.”
She’s mentioned the boo trip before and even the couples trip she wants us to have with our significant others in the future.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy that my friend is in a new relationship, but for some reason, that message kind of hit me in a weird way.
My friend badly wants a relationship and she’s very keen on becoming a mother.
I didn’t mind the invite and I didn’t mind her work reasons for wanting to take the trip so soon. But I almost felt like she was giving me a preemptive warning that she’s about to be all about her man.
I could be looking at it all wrong.
I will say this, if a boo trip is anything like Solange’s honeymoon photos, I’d probably chuck my homegirls the duces too. http://www.people.com/article/solange-knowles-honeymoon-photos-brazil