On Office Rumors And Relationship Closure

I am emotionally drained today.

Yesterday, after the immature text war I had with my ex, I was approached by a co-worker who is always talking about the imminent shake up of our company. Today she heard one of our top-level execs in another state was clearing out his desk.

No email that he’s no longer with us. No other facts, that’s all she had.

It set off a firestorm of hysteria. I was already reeling from just being sick and tired of being at an emotional stalemate about my past relationship and wanting to just end it and walk away for good. No being a supportive friend who wants to hear quarterly updates, no Facebook, just free and clear. So this information about the job did not improve my mood.

I instantly thought of a top 10 list that Forbes put out about signs that your company is going to go through a massive shake up. One of those rules mentioned top dogs, resigning, getting fired, or seeing them clean up their LinkedIn profiles. So I went into full panic mode.

Shit was going to go down.

Welp, let’s get to this morning. It was a false alarm. He was indeed cleaning out his desk, but ridding it of several magazines he has no doubt collected over time. No resignation, no firing.

Ridiculous. So I’m irritated. If I don’t hear anything from the boss or see a company wide email I’m not entertaining any more end of the job world talk. I’m through. I’m going to keep applying for other jobs, so I can get the hell out before things get worse. That’s it.

Boom.

As for “Relationship Closure” another thing I promised in today’s headline, I’m going to try to make this brief.

My ex wants to hang on to his pain, and my pain and punish himself forever.

I told him I forgave him a long time ago, and him inflicting emotional pain on himself will never settle the score or make us even, it’s only going to make him have a horrible life.

We both have to move forward. I still love him, but going on two years just in limbo, or having him tell me every three months that he loves me and he can’t get his shit together is not helping me.

I’ve grown from this and I’m not willing to just roll up and die anymore because I’ve been hurt.

He says it’s easier for me to move on because I wasn’t the one who inflicted the pain.

I asked him if he learned anything at all, and he asked how can he learn and grow from hurting someone so badly?

I told him if anything, the lesson should be that if you ever get the chance to love, you will do everything in your power not to hurt someone so badly, you’ll fight for what you want, you’ll appreciate what you have, and you will have faith to try and get up even if you fail.

I told him I didn’t know the person I was talking to. I was crying that it killed me that he couldn’t see the good in him that I could still see, even after all he put me through. But I can’t make him see it, I can’t make him forgive himself, I can’t make him believe in himself, I can’t make him trust himself and trust God.

And that’s when I knew. The gulf between us had grown into a black hole.

Any man who loves me has to completely love and know himself first, so that when he is with me there isn’t any doubt, there isn’t any fear, the thought of failure in loving me will not exist because if he’s loving me to the best of his ability every day, he isn’t failing. He can’t.

That man has to know that.

I can’t squander my love and my sanity and my mental and physical health on someone like that. And it hurts me right now.

Believe it or not, I want him to succeed and be happy and healthy.

He said “it wouldn’t make you feel better if things were the complete opposite and I was totally happy after all of this.”

I said, “Dude, I love you so much and yes I have pride and ego. The greatest extent of bad I would want to happen to you is to have a flat tire every month for two years. And there, that’s real.”

“But in terms of you having all of this anguish off of hurting me, you not growing, you not learning, you making yourself a martyr, that doesn’t please me. That doesn’t make me feel better. You have to heal. That’s what real love is, that’s what deep love is, that’s what it is to love someone on the level I love you. It’s sick to want you to carry on like this for the rest of your life.”

“I’m a fucked up person, that’s the real me,” he said.

“Baby, I’m not ready to let the pain of you and me kill me. I’m not ready to die. I want to live. I have to live. I can’t have you have this hold on me. I can’t go into another year feeling like I can’t really dig into new relationships because I’m hanging on to you, or worried about you and what’s going to happen to you because you are talking the way you are talking. You have to get help, you have to talk to somebody.

You don’t have to feel like you have no purpose. Even if you have to pick one thing to thank God for everyday when you get up, start there. But you got to want more for yourself. You got to want to do better.”

He replied he doesn’t want anything. That he is no good to anyone.

I didn’t know what else to say. I cried and begged him to get it together, not for me but for himself. To dig deep and heal his wounds from us, from his past, from his family, because the road he is on is dark and horrible.

I cannot join him any longer. Even though we haven’t been together for going on almost two years, I was still with him on this path.

This is really the end for me.

I’ve come too far and I see it. I can’t look back. I can’t wait for the fantasy I once had. I don’t want to say that it’s a hopeless situation. God can turn anything around. But what can you do with a person who does not want to save themselves?

I see him drowning. But I told him as much as I love him, I can’t put myself out there for him again or say we can start over. I can’t put myself out there to save someone who is so far gone. I barely survived the last time.

Still crying, my last words were, “I’ve got to hang up now. Goodbye.”

Bonus Post: And That’s A Wrap, Folks

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. When God wants you to really let go of something, and finds you are taking too long or not able to do it yourself, He allows something ridiculous to happen so it is a no-brainer for you to walk away from it and keep steppin for good.

The last time I struggled with a situation like this, I had to have an ex tell me he let his ex suck his dick, move a little person into his house, and impregnate her, before I got the hint.

It’s over boo.

Dead, decomposing horse, turning to glue.

So here I am again. Yall have been on the journey you’ve seen me get up, fall down, get riled up over my ex-fiance.

Welp, no more.

I told yall I hate Facebook. But I admitted I stalk from time to time.

I was strongly considering unfriending him, feeling quite empowered. It was time. No need to keep torturing myself or looking for something. I guess a Mary J. Blige concert will do that to you.

Well, this fool went to Vegas.

He had an interesting exchange with a woman who said, she still couldn’t figure out how he got her panties,

to which he replied, “The bigger mystery is how I stole that ass.”

Ok, before yall jump on me, the relationship is over. I know. But neither one of us unfriended the other, and barely a month ago this fool is declaring how he is trying everything under the sun to have work assign him to come to me and how we need to have this grand talk and all sorts of nonsense.

So, I unfriended him. I sent him a text basically telling him never to speak to me again and that I thought we could be friends, but popping off on Facebook is some ridiculoussness and while it’s been almost two years since our split, I’m still feeling disrespected. Keep whatever happened in Vegas in Vegas. I told him I must have been nuts to keep hanging on, but he no longer has to worry about that. Send me your new address and I’ll send you the ring.

So he texts me from a different number asking what he did wrong.

First of all, if you didn’t take the time to at least look at your most recent posts regarding Vegas on Facebook before asking me that, you don’t deserve a refresher. Put quite simply, you are a dumbass. I put it out there. I’m not trying to be vague. I said, foolishness on Facebook and Vegas. Put it together, please.

Either way, he can really say whatever he wants now. I won’t see it. Good luck. Please take photos of the two of us down now, that’s all I ask.

My friend told me to go home sick if I’m really messed up.

I will not do that over his ass again. I won’t.

I actually want to punch a punching bag or do some push ups. I want to fight and beat up on something.

I don’t know who this dude is at all anymore.

So thank you God. I hear you. Dang. That was harsh, but effective. Can’t hate.

If It’s On Facebook, ‘MYOB’ and ‘Nunya’ Are No Longer In Play

I saw something on Facebook that made me instantly empathize and sympathize with a girl from my high school who posted it.

Her status went from engaged to single.

My heart went out to her.  However, I chose a different route. I kept my disengagement quiet on Facebook (I don’t post my relationship status anyway, so there was nothing to change and I saved myself from having to hit that button and having “single” staring back at me mockingly.). Instead, I share sometimes on this blog. You can read the post when I finally broke my silence on the topic, here.

So because this was now public info,  ol girl opened herself up to the flurry of questions and comments to which she responded in an embarrassing, emotional rant, telling people to mind their own business and not make up their own conclusions for what went wrong or try to tell her what she should or shouldn’t do.

You aren’t Jennifer Anniston boo, you didn’t have to go out like this. You really didn’t. As soon as you wrote it and clicked, ” update status” you gave up your right to say “Mind your own business.” By making it public, you implicitly gave everyone the right to jump on in.

I’m going to have to file that under, “Now That’s What I Call Stupid, Vol 1.”

And as someone who understands the deluge of questions and emotions being hurled at you from your family and friends who were on this exhilarating ride to happily ever after with you, now you’ve got random internet dramamongers getting you hyped up too.

I didn’t wear sackcloth and sit in ashes when my engagement and relationship ended, but I took my time to mourn the loss and process all of my stages of grief.

I had to be still, I had to be quiet and I had to shut out the sounds of all of the people well-intentioned and otherwise so I could get myself together.

When I was ready to cry, I did. And boy did I when I finally did. My family and friends were actually scared that I was handling it too well. I was trying my best to fake that everything was alright and that I was strong.

When I was ready to talk to people I trusted, I did. And when I decided to drop everything and take a trip by myself, I did that too.

I feel particularly bad for this woman because she does have a child, and she also has to deal with her child’s reaction to all of this as well. And I hope she tries to set an example of class and grace under fire and not carry on any foolishness with her ex at all, let alone in front of the child.

It was on my heart to send her a private message to tell her this is hard, very, very hard, but she will survive. I wanted her to know in all of this she needs to listen to herself and not even get mad if she misses him or still wants to be with him sometimes. I want her to know she should just feel what ever she’s feeling and not let anyone tell her her feelings are wrong or she needs to heal faster or needs to get under (or on top of) a new man pronto (which were among some of the insensitive things I was told).

But since I’m not really cool with her like that, my well-intentioned note as someone who has been through it personally, may be taken as just one more voice in the midst of what seems like a million with an opinion. Besides, that would mean I’m telling my business too, which is what I avoided by not putting out a press release on FB.

She did already post in a more recent, and still quite emotional status that she was glad she found out now about her fiancée’s shortcomings in terms of his inability to stand strong with her in difficult times and she is relieved she didn’t go through with it.

Once again, she’s saying all the right things for the public, but her heart is being pulled in a number of directions right now. Been there, done that. But it took me a lot longer to say I was relieved I didn’t get married and really mean it.

I wish her well. She has a rough road ahead. But as her “press release” stated, and as I know personally, she really is going to be alright eventually.

This was my official song dedicated to the ending of my relationship.  I thought it was totally me and my situation. This goes out to my poor Facebook friend.

Now stop telling your business and concentrate on your healing!