I had an awesome weekend celebrating the 30th birthday of one of my dearest friends.
We covered a lot of ground in D.C. and had great drinks, great food, great company and non-stop entertainment– even at a grimy Wendy’s at 3 a.m. Don’t ask.
Naturally, I was exhausted from all of the revelry.
This morning, one text took my breath away and threatened to steal all of my progress and my healing in one swoop.
Long story short, my ex fiance has a new job that will include a lot of traveling. That I knew.
He informed me his company is headquartered 15 minutes from my house.
Life and timing bite me in the ass, yet again.
Two years ago, he and I would have gone Katniss and Peeta on anybody any time, anywhere for that kind of opportunity that could lead to him flying to see me on the company dime and in business class, and maybe after currying a little favor and impressing his employers, him eventually being able to move here for good.
I felt sick.
I was going to explode.
I quickly had to make my way to my work mom/mentor’s office where I could cry uncontrollably behind a closed door.
She sat quietly while I sobbed.
It all hit me at once. I was shaking.
I was crying and shaking and reacting because, fine. I still love him. But I was working to accept that I needed to get over it.
Just a week ago, he and I texted each other and nearly said our last rites. We literally talked about how our paths were diverging and how it seemed we were being pushed apart by circumstances, but never emotionally.
Maybe the irony of such a fresh discussion where it seemed both of us accepted our lives that would hardly ever intersect again in a meaningful way is what caused my emotional breakdown this morning.
I’m not dreaming of romantic movies and happy endings where all of this drama, all of the suffering and headaches lead us back to one another.
I don’t even want to be hopeful, to only be crushed again, and it really being my fault this time for being stupid.
I’m just mad at fate.
There was a reason it didn’t work at the time, but this latest twist in our story is downright painful, spiteful and mean.
I’ve been actively trying to move on. If you have been reading this blog, my struggle has been well documented and brutally honest.
What’s going to happen now? Your guess is as good as mine.
This is as far as I can go writing today. I’m sure you’ll understand. And now this song will be on repeat for the rest of the day…