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“Naturally” Supportive????

Hmmmm I feel stuck, blog family.

I really do.

My work rival/bully was in the office today, and I don’t speak to her much. But every now and then, I will pop in to check on her and ask how she’s doing.

She’s been attempting to go natural (and I’ve joked that once again she’s copied me). Some days have been more successful than others. Ok, most days haven’t been successful.

Because hair is a sticky subject for black women, especially those doing the natural thing, I haven’t commented on her hair. Because trust me, I’ve had my fair share of moments where I felt downright ugly.

The truth is I do think her natural look, while she is still trying to figure out what works for her, is probably an improvement from her relaxed hair that had no life, no movement and straw-like. But I was taught early on, if you don’t have nothing nice to say, or you don’t know what to say, shut up.

So I popped my head in the office, and I mentioned my latest product obsession. I really like it a lot. And I wanted to share it with her.

Then it happened. She said no one mentioned her hair save for a very kind, chatty, liberal white woman (who once lived in Africa with the Peace Corps). She said even me not giving her a compliment caused her to feel like her efforts were in vain. She even said she felt invisible. When she mentioned to our co-worker that no one complimented her hair, she did what most nice people try to do.

They were in the break room and two other co-workers came in. Kind, chatty, liberal oohed and awwed over homegirl’s hair and asked the other women, don’t you like it? Welp, as sister girl told me her story, she said she knew the other women didn’t like it and to avoid further embarrassment of seeing the looks on their faces, she purposely opened a cupboard to not look at them.

This broke my heart.

Keep in mind I was recently invigorated by watching an amazing discussion featuring Melissa Harris Perry and acclaimed pioneer in black feminism bell hooks. And they talked about black women, and our esteem and our bodies and shaming and fighting negative images and stereotypes of ourselves and I was cosigning and nearly in tears at how profound they were, and another sister was hoping I’d step in and lift her up.

We’ve had beef though. So more often than not, I don’t see her as a sister in the collective sense, because there have been times she’s stepped on me and seemed to take delight in my discomfort and set backs.

So this dysfunctional relationship that we have continues to challenge me spiritually.

She said she supported me, she complimented me, so it hurt that I said nothing.

I had no real response for her.

So I said, “well how do you feel about your hair?” “Do you like it?” “Is this journey worth it for you?”

Yup. I deflected.

I told her that there were plenty of times I woke up in the morning and thought I was ugly. I had my own parents look at me sideways with disapproval the first time I came home. But I had to keep working with and on my hair.

It became a new thing I had to study. I’m still learning what products will or won’t do.

She’s just started and she’s going through what thousands and thousands of black women are going through and in the earlier stages, after you’ve big chopped and your hair is really short, YOU GO THROUGH IT. Especially if you hadn’t worn your hair short before. It’s a shock to the system.

As for the other work people. There are only four black women in our office.

The white people at my job are smart people, and while they’ve had a number of cultural snafus in the past, they knew damn well to steer clear of our hair. They leave it alone. Honestly, the same sweet, kind, liberal lady was the one to compliment me on my hair when I changed it. No one else said anything to me either. But she understood the context, and she understood what it meant for me to do what I did, she’s quite aware.

It still broke my heart. My newly natural co-worker apparently needed my support and in my silence, I dropped the ball. There was no point in giving her a compliment now. So I didn’t.

I’m really not sure what to do at this point. She also mentioned that her boss told her she needed to be “nicer” and say “please” and “thank you” more.

The truth of the matter is, the boss was kind of on point with that. She has always had a smug kind of attitude, that didn’t sit well with most people.

So, there are self-esteem issues galore. Which I get as a fellow black woman. But at the same time, as a human being, an individual, you dish out funky you get funky. You funky on the inside, it radiates on the outside. People can’t see your true beauty if you don’t give up something and make yourself vulnerable.

I don’t agree with being fake either or overdoing it on the nice.

And sometimes I wonder what kind of vibe I put off at work and I try to be conscious about that. I do speak to people, say good morning, give compliments when it’s warranted and offer to help people out when I can. But, I know that my conversations only go so far because aside from the race, I’m a different age than most of these people, I’m single and I’m childless. I just don’t have the same interests.

So I’m stuck yall. Should I have bent over backwards to show my approval of my co-worker’s natural journey because I also went natural? Or am I right in the belief that choosing to go natural is a very personal and intimate thing, but it tends to affect the way others look at you and the way you look at yourself. It’s scary. It is raw.

But I’ve found, the more comfortable I got with my hair and the more confident, people started seeing other features of mine more clearly. I felt really, really honest and I noticed, that I felt other people and their reactions to me were really, really honest, positive or negative and I accepted those things.

I don’t suggest drastic changes to your hair if you don’t have a solid foundation of self-esteem anyway. Because it takes a long time for your hair to grow back or change color.

So, maybe my co-workers reactions and feelings of isolation reflect something deeper and reflect a truth about how she deals with the world and it doesn’t feel good. I sympathize with her. But basically saying I had a responsiblity to compliment her because she did it for me, ergo, because we are both black women in a workplace of so many white folks, it kind of had me stunned. But she said it.

He final words before heading to a meeting, she said she just didn’t even know if all the twisting and untwisting was worth it, and that she struggles because she’s raising two little girls and she wants them to feel that their hair is beautiful.

But if she’s walking around miserable, and expecting other people to say she’s pretty, hair isn’t the only thing her girls have to worry about learning from her.








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4 thoughts on ““Naturally” Supportive????

  1. As someone from outside the “natural bubble” looking in, I do notice that there tends to be a certain solidarity that comes with doing the natural thing. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been hanging out with a person who is natural and they’ve been stopped by another natural to either compliment, offer suggestions, or just talk products. I don’t know if that is to be expected but it seems to come with the territory. Also, I still see where women who go natural don’t always get the desired reception from their parents, siblings, significant others, friends and others they consider close. So I think the natural community is where, if no other place, they feel they should receive that.

  2. T. Mack, you are totally right in your observations. I am always shocked when a stranger who is also natural compliments my hair because I feel like I’m still trying to figure this thing out. And I give compliments just the same, because it probably took a lot to get it juuuust right. And it makes me feel good.

    However, this situation has been tricky, because this person is generally unpleasant but doesn’t think they are. No, I didn’t go out of my way to say it was awesome. But I hate that it’s implied that I have to because I’m natural too.

    Is it bad that I can compliment a stranger and not this person? Probably.

    But I later found out today that the person in question also has some color issues, that I had no clue about, but now it all makes a whole lotta sense. They actually disclosed to a co-worker they “hated being dark.” Well damn. And it made me sad. It was like a gut punch. It was shocking because this person, is well acquainted with black history, black organizations, and could easily be considered as pro-black with a healthy view. I was floored. And that’s a whole other post. If you get to a certain age, and you can’t love who you are in the skin you’re in, that’s a rough situation.

    I complain about physical stuff about myself a lot. I get upset my body doesn’t look like it did ten years ago, but at the root root of it all, I still genuinely love how I’m made up and what’s inside me. I feel attractive. It’s a scary thing to not feel that way about yourself. And I don’t feel it everyday, but I know the negative feeling will pass.

  3. “People can’t see your true beauty if you don’t give up something and make yourself vulnerable.” <—– This is what you should have said to her. She opened up just enough for you to see that she is human and just as vulnerable as the rest of us. No one has ever been killed by kindness, but it does show them that you are the better person. You didn't have to compliment her, but if this should happen again; where she tries to connect with you then perhaps you can show her the type of grace she is lacking. Steer her towards the path of self-reflection; she just doesn't have to LOOK pretty but her beauty is something that should radiate from the inside out. If she is a good person on the inside with a positive attitude and able to connect easily with others then that type of beauty will show on the outside. It doesn't have much to do with your hair or make up or skin color, if you feel good about yourself and are accepting of it then you will also look good too.

    • Thank you for your comments!!! I really, really struggle when it comes to this person because she can be downright horrible. I really see her as a direct challenge to decide to live up to the kind of woman I want to be by showing kindness. It is certainly a work in progress. But the problem is I think she doesn’t have a positive attitude in general and low self esteem. This woman is a good 14 years older than me, so I feel a little awkward offering her any kind of advice anyway, because I still don’t think she’ll receive it coming from me. But I will certainly let what you said marinate. Great comments.

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