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Why Am I Really Alone?

Over the weekend, I’ve had a few conversations with some folks that have been somewhat eye-opening.

Earlier in the week, I had another back and forth with Kyle Barker. He said a few things that upset me as usual, but also as usual it made me think a few days later.

I talked to him about my online dating experiences and what I want and need. He went on this whole speech about how I treat him and how I probably treat the guys I’m talking to online the same way.

I told him that I was sweet as pie to the other guys, but I tend to find something wrong with all of them.

I told him I only give back what’s put out there to me and that’s why we are the way we are.

To which he replied, “original.”

I started to get mad. Why should he get more from me when he barely musters up enough to meet me for dinner or be available when I actually want him to be?

But he ended up saying something to the effect of me having extremes.

At first I thought he was full of crap and just poking me with a stick as usual.

But as time has gone on, I realize I’m moody.

When I’m high, I’m high. I want to be around people, I want to give them my love an affection, I want to go on 100.

But when I’m down, I’m down. I want to be alone, even when people offer themselves to me. And when I’m in those moods, I know I can’t give to the people in my life. And sometimes those moments have clashed, and I’ve fallen short of being the good friend that particular day.

I’m edgy, I’m testy and I’m angry that the people in my life can’t soldier on, pick up the pieces and get it together. But just like me, they are hurt too.

So I’ve told my friends, honestly when I have nothing to give and I apologize and I hope that another one of their friends can pick up the slack. I later vow to really be there, the next time. This time, I just couldn’t do it.

I keep learning something over and over about online dating and about men.

Men love happy women.

Men love women who are like happy all of the time, and who can continuously eat shit over and over and still smile.

And women, we try. We try so hard to fake it until we make it.

We genuinely want to be happy, but shit gets on our nerves. Life is difficult. We work hard, we have drama at work.

We have dreams deferred and student loan debt.

We want to make the people in our lives proud, we want to make ourselves proud.

We want to be good friends and sisters, daughters and wives and mothers.

We want to be attractive and desired. We want to eat fried food.

There are so many pressures on not just women, but people.

And when we want a man, or we want to impress one, and the older we get, the more we know how high the risk is of getting hurt is, it’s easy to be jaded.

But we lie to win the man.

Men like happy women.

We go along to get along. We stifle, we suppress. Then when we let it all out, the men we’ve won and wooed are surprised, they feel like they’ve been tricked and here comes the drama. Their expectations of drama free happy chick are unreasonable, and us trying to be that is unreasonable. And maybe I have been extra reckless with my words to see who will stick around. Who will be tough enough. Who can handle me, who can be steady when I’m up and down.

I’m a fucking after school special on foster kids testing their new parents to see if they will love them unconditionally.

I need some wonderful man to hug me while I kick and scream and call him names, and him hold me tight and tell me he can do this all day and all night because he isn’t going anywhere. I am not evil, or bad or unworthy or too picky or too neurotic or too broken because of my past. I am beautiful and loved and he will love me. Let it all out.

Kyle Barker said something about not being so raw and being more tactful. Once again, after years of doing this dance with this man, I’m quite raw. There’s no room for pretense in my opinion. Why can’t men see my honesty as that? Why can’t they see that as me being secure in myself and sharing my realness. It doesn’t have to dull the fantasy, but what about the maturity of life.

I can’t be fake anymore. I can’t.

I’m crass. A little nasty. A little spiritual, a little conservative. Sometimes I’m a huge contradiction. I can be moody and angry and not satisfied. I can be impatient. I can go off the deep end. I can think too much.

But I love. I love deeply. When people I love are hurting, I hurt for them. I cry for them, I pray for them. I want to make them baskets and cook for them or find their favorite hot sauce.

I had to laugh at myself for a recent text exchange I had with a guy who I really can’t peg. I’m growing bored with him already. He hasn’t stepped up. We were flirtatious on Skype, but things started heading south when he sent me a text at 2:30 a.m. asking me what I’m doing.

This morning.

Him: Good morning. How r u

Me: I’m awesome, how are you?

I’m good. Y r u awesome?

Because I am. It’s a short week. Got things to feel awesome about. I’m a fucking rockstar today. Bout to stunt on these office hoes.

LOL Hahahaha What you wearing

White jeans, cute top, cute shoes

And under that

A large, beating heart 🙂

Lol was that forward

Forward my dearest is texting me at 230 am. Yes that was forward too. But it all depends on how honest you are about what you think you want to get out of knowing me. If you just wanted to smash and wanted to see if I did too, I guess that’s proper behavior.

So after that, I got no response. I don’t think I’ll hear from him again. Poor thing.

And poor Dabnis hit me up yesterday asking if I was ok, to which I responded I’ve been moody. Then he said something about God not leaving us alone. It was a sweet thing to say and he was right. God doesn’t leave us alone. But for some reason, I don’t want the man who wants to get to know me. I’m terrible.

Over and over, I’ve met “nice” guys and I’ve blamed no attraction, or them being too into me, or them not being intellectual enough, or too old or too young.

Another friend mentioned that yes, I’ve been trying. “See, I have been trying. Yes! I’ve been putting myself out there.”

But I’ve kind of been acting like the kid who wants to get credit for gym class just for changing.

So I’ve been dressing for gym to get just enough credit. But I’m not really trying to ace the class. I’ve been going out on meaningless dates, having meaningless conversations, but not going for the quality.

I’m expecting people to accept me as I am, but who am I being right now? Maybe it’s not the real me.

Maybe that’s why I’m alone.

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