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Archive for the tag “wanting love”

Breakdown

So last night, after making some dinner, one of my friends stopped by. She laid on my couch stretched out, I at my table with a fresh drink, hands on my head.

As usual, we were talking about relationships.

I said I was tired.

I said I thought I was healed from my broken engagement which basically happened two years ago. I wondered what was wrong with me? Wasn’t I better? Why isn’t anyone I’m seeing/interacting with simply good enough?

What else do I have to do.

When my friend kindly suggested that I “work on myself” that’s when I lost it. And I started to cry.

“Work on myself? That’s what I’ve been doing for the last two years! In fact, I’m tired of myself. I’m with myself all day long, all night. I’m sick of working on myself. I’ve been praying and fasting and working out and trying to launch businesses or finding classes, or looking for volunteer opportunities. I’M TIRED OF WORKING ON MYSELF.”

I even told her that I hated to admit that I’d become one of those women fixated on finding the one. I confessed that it consumed my thoughts day and night, turning me into what I didn’t want to be.

One of those chicks.

My homie thumbed through my bookshelf, made me throw out an old bridal magazine I ran to buy a week after I got engaged– I promptly threw it in the trash– and then she handed me “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” by Dr. Seuss.

She said I had to read it aloud.

When I got to certain parts, with the fervor of an old church deacon, she’d tell me to read it again.

The book was given to me as a gift from my aunt and uncle when I graduated from college. The words are real and inspirational and Dr. Seuss was indeed a genius and gifted.

It was a reminder that life is tough and that feeling lost and defeated does happen. But we have to keep going.

I am putting a lot of pressure on myself and on the men I’m dating. I need a break.

I need to not take it all so seriously and I know that’s easier said than done.

Another friend pointed out that I am not my best self right now and that’s why I’m not attracting what it is that I want.

At the Essence Fest, I had the pleasure of sitting in a packed conference hall to watch life coach, Iyanla Van Zant share her words of wisdom. She kept saying over and over that our lives is a series of constant correction.

So whether we want to or not, as long as we breathe there’s something to fix, to make better. That concept resonated with me because it’s one of the cornerstones of my tee-shirt brand, the concept of correction and self-improvement.

Last night, I was rejecting that out loud. Does that make me a hypocrite?

No, it makes me human.

Iyanla also kept repeating the words, “Do the work.” “Do the work.”

Can we have a night where we breakdown? Can we have a day where we cry?

Yes.

But we’ve got to find the strength to get up, face another day and do the work.

The work doesn’t have to be monumental. It’s doing what you can that particular day.

My first act of doing the work has been to seriously look up programs at my community college to take in the fall.

The next is thinking of an action plan for my job. My goals, what I’d like to try and what I’d like to take on.

Getting back to my tee-shirt business and officially launching the site.

I’ll keep it light with the guys I meet online.

The first order of business, which I just did, was let the guy I went out with Friday know that I’m not interested. I did it by text. I’m a jerk. But I want to be done with it. He tried calling me a few times over the weekend. And sent a text today.

I’m sure he’s upset. But I don’t know what else to do. I can’t go on like this.

The inspiration from today’s post is an old joint from Mariah Carey.

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Itch Don’t Kill My Vibe, the Online Dating Edition

I’ve decided the longer you online date and not take breaks, you will become jaded.

It will get harder and harder to look at any new profile with fresh eyes and have just enough hope that this person could be your everything, that you can get through the conversations and the dates and the false starts.

I’m learning this.

There’s an interesting phenomenon happening where people I may have started conversations with and have dropped off, they are reappearing and actually telling me, “I guess you aren’t feeling me because you never hit me back.” Ugh.

Dabnis is already hinting at being invited over. And I hint back that I’m not ready for him to post up at my house (especially because he lives at home with his parents, I feel like if I start letting him over, he ain’t gonna leave). I invited him to go take a walk with me on Sunday through a beautiful series of gardens.

I was hoping there would be more sparks sparking off, but sometimes the conversation just fell flat and I found myself looking at my shoes. No heat.

Because of what he does for a living, he was able to tell me all of the work it took to keep such a place so well-manicured, or how difficult certain tree branches are to cut, or the difficulty of taming roses with horribly sharp thorns.

Being in such a beautiful place, I could remember with certain people, I could walk around talking and enjoying the beauty of it all for hours and even lay down a blanket and talk about all sorts of things. Surely surrounded by all of this beauty, I would be compelled to return the feelings of this guy who has declared his interest.

I was bored. I tried to focus.

Last night, I asked him what his flaws were.

He said that he can be too nice.

I told him that was a safe answer, a job interview answer like I work too hard, I’m my worst critic.

So I told him I’m impatient. I hold the people in my life to a high standard and when they fall short of it, I’m disappointed. I take it personally because I think so highly of them. But they are human and it isn’t fair. I can be moody and sensitive and really quiet.

He responded that he wouldn’t try to change me and sometimes he can be quiet too, and that even if we didn’t become a couple, he sees us being friends.

So maybe I introduced a dark cloud and rained on his parade a bit with my “real” moment.

If he’s enjoying the newness, I’m messing it up trying to get to and expose the flaws.

I’m killing his vibe. Damn.

Some other guy, who loves to abbreviate everything in texts, hit me up this morning. He said he guessed I wasn’t feeling him. I told him I thought he was attractive but something about him really screams to me he’s slick and full of shit.

So I didn’t say full of shit, but I said slick. So he catches an attitude tells me I didn’t give him a chance and to have a nice day.

I told him he was right and wished him the same.

This is my theory. Insecure, slick men go nuts when you call them out on it. It’s like supposed to be a secret that they only know and you had the nerve to bring it up. You had the nerve to trust your women’s intuition on the front end and not be swayed by their looks or their words.

Frankly, I don’t trust men online who always refer to me as beautiful, or sexy or gorgeous. I don’t trust men who use abbreviations when they contact me or simply ask all the time what you doing or wyd? as a greeting.

It’s not a greeting.

So I decided his angry response was a reaction to my hard-earned ability to feel the bs coming. I just don’t have the energy.

What confuses me are the men who double back if I haven’t stayed in contact and then casually mention I haven’t held up my end of the conversation.

I like being pursued. I just do. I need to know a man is interested, but I guess sometimes I can end up falling all the way back because I don’t want to be the pressed girl.

That’s the situation I’m dealing with in terms of the Candidate. I feel like he’s given me a green light, but he’s slow on the uptake even though he said we’d talk on Facebook. But I guess that’s back to me being impatient.

I’m struggling. I had a long talk with God and I’m just really having difficulty with my season of singleness right now.

I asked for the insight to recognize I’m where I am for a reason and I want to enjoy the freedom that comes with being single right now.

I want to appreciate that things have to line up in my life for certain things to happen. When I think about things that have happened to me, I always had to be at the right place at the exact right time, I had to meet the right person who led me from one opportunity to the next that links me to the next place I’m supposed to be. Different people, educational experiences, trips, work things have served as conduits to romantic and professional opportunity.

But right now, it feels like all of the circuits are broken. I’m not being connected to my future in any kind of way. Nothing is poppin. I’ve tried to be proactive and not sit on the sidelines, I’ve tried to be open. I’ve tried to relax some of my really high standards.

But still I feel some kind of way.

I’m not there. I’m not even close to wherever it is I’m trying to be.

In love. In real love.

I have to keep living my life and sprinkle new things in it so I can be in those places or around those people. It’s easy to get bogged down and just wonder.

I want to be ready for the love I want to enter my life. Maybe I’m not ready, or as healed or as mature, or selfless enough for the person God wants to bring in my life. Maybe he’s not quite ready either.

Thinking this way gives me comfort, but it doesn’t necessarily satisfy me.

But in the meantime, how do I not crush anyone’s spirit who actually does want to get to know me?

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