I’ve had a lot on my mind, especially relationships.
I’ve been reading books, talking to friends and loved ones.
And then one of the things I ended up saying to someone stuck with me and it also goes back to some things I heard at Essence Fest during Iyanla Van Zandt’s session.
Being in order. Having balance.
So this week, I have been praying for and meditating on balance.
From my own mouth, I told someone that black women have a serious issue with balance. We go hard with everything, every decision, every issue can be dramatic and life and death and just huge and cumbersome, if you let us tell it.
So where’s the balance?
I had to step back and think about that.
Where is the balance in my own life?
I’ve been bouncing from one extreme to the next, bouncing from large goal or dream to another. Or, getting over one hardship or heart-break, only to barely have strength for the next. But there’s no room for real rest, or regrouping.
I feel like we’ve been conditioned this way. We’ve seen our mothers and grandmothers work and toil and give to family, and hell, take care of other people’s families and homes, in addition to community or church, but we struggle with letting other folks handle things because we want them done right, our way and in the time frame we had in our mind. Our mothers may or may not have complained out loud, their sacrifices were admirable. But weren’t they raging inside?
I don’t have nearly half the familial responsibilities that they do, but on the flip side, I probably have more economic responsiblity, but regardless, the same attitude is there.
We are tired and hurting and feeling unheard and not taken care of.
In this season of singledom, where I’m determined to at least learn some more about myself, even though people have said it before, I didn’t listen. I am impatient and I do want to be in control of EVERYTHING.
I think being impatient and wanting to be in control of everything is a dangerous mix. I’ve always seemed to have a clear-cut vision of how I want things to be and how I want things to look.
This kind of attentiveness is an excellent trait for planning a party or leading projects at work, but in the area of love, it’s so much more difficult. And for me, the folks I’m interested in or who I want to be interested in me, they NEVER follow my script.
It’s hard to surrender your control to others. You know that when things are on you, you’ll figure out how to make it happen. You are involved in all the steps of making it happen, and even if something unexpected is thrown your way, you are in control of switching gears and finding the solution.
Surrendering control requires trusting others. Trusting people means you agree that they’ve got it. That you have the understanding that they may not do it the way you do it, but you have faith they will produce the result that THEY say THEY will produce. Not necessarily YOUR vision.
So while I’m upset my volunteer weekend coming up in August was canceled, I’ve decided to fill those days with activities to reenergize and regroup according to me.
I’m going to fix meals for a men’s homeless shelter, get a massage and throw together a book club party with some women I adore to tie it all in a neat bow. Some time by the pool and generally doing things that please me will be on the schedule.
So that’s what I want. Some balance. Instead of feeling like the world is always on my shoulders and that there’s pressure coming from every angle and this feeling of “what next?” always haunting me personally and professionally. I’m spending four days to opt out, to serve others, to love on myself and my friends and see what happens next.