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Archive for the tag “trusting God”

Stop Hiding

So there has been a recurring theme that’s been popping up lately.

I came to an epiphany while talking to a good ex. He was wishing me a belated happy birthday and we started talking about a lot of random things. And he said to me some very positive things about me to me.

I asked him if I had changed and to him, he said not one bit, but he was very worried when I was going through my rough patch. He told me he didn’t like it when I would be down on myself because I could do anything.

He said it so simply and with so much love and admiration it made me miss our relationship so much. And it reminded me that whoever I choose needs to shower me with that kind of support. It didn’t feel syrupy at all, because as soon as he said something sweet, he said something absurd and silly as he often does to break the moment. And I enjoy that about him.

I disclosed to my good ex, that for the last several years I had been hiding in a sense.

After what I thought was a failure at a newspaper I worked at, I went to another job for security and got satisfied with consistent raises and well-deserved promotions. When I fell in love, and was preparing to get married, I saw my impending move as a way out to something else; a convenient excuse for a fresh start that I was all too ready for. At that time my comfy job was making me miserable with a tyrant of a co-worker trying to ruin my life.

And finally, the feeling that the last time I had to choose between career and love, I chose a career. So to show I was all in, I went all in and chose the man. But, that still didn’t work out, I said laughing. I was existing and hiding after the split, just trying to survive. I was too unhappy to think about purpose, I used all of my energy to simply get out of bed and make it to work.

To that, the good ex said, no way. And that I was awesome for holding it down everyday and paying my bills and staying employed which a lot of people in our industry were having a very tough time doing. I was glad we were texting because I was blushing.

I told him about grad school and how it scared me a bit, but how in some ways, I had no other choice. It was time for me to take control and live up to my best self. And I can’t keep doing that being satisfied where I am.

Which brings me to work and a certain project my big boss personally selected me for.

I thought I could hide.

But for some reason, my big boss chose me. So, I was given a task and I did it, I represented. I was prepared, confident and cool. After a conference call today when I asked her a few questions about the direction of the project and preparation for a larger presentation. She basically said aside from her I was one of the best people on the team. And this was in an area I knew nothing about and had to study in the span of a week. But I brought my ideas. And people were receptive and enthusiastic. It made me feel good. She also basically told me to take the ball and run with it and I will be a presenter in a major out-of-town meeting.

Whether I liked it or not, I could not hide.

God gave me a whole lot of time to sit on the sidelines and occasionally step forward at work with moments of brilliance and leadership even when I didn’t want to, or when I just wanted to lay low. He gave me time to rest and heal and deal with my own confidence issues and insecurities.

But I’m noticing more and more, God presenting certain opportunities that say, it’s time for you to shine. Do the work, don’t fear, if I’m telling you to go and you do it, you will not fail. You will have favor.

So I started being thankful for this season, even if it means if I do something impressive today, folks are looking at me to do something even more impressive tomorrow. That’s a good thing and like my ex said, its beyond high time to start seriously believing in myself the way I used to.

When I was busy questioning why my big boss chose me to do something way different from what I do everyday, I had to stop and say why not me?

Take this challenge and impress the heck out of everyone in the room. You belong at the table. You can lead. And with the full endorsement of the big boss, I am very much empowered to do so.

Then it made me think about the bigger picture and how God gives us tasks of varying degree of difficulty to prepare us for greater things and higher things. So I started thinking about what I’m studying and the kinds of things I want to do, like be a guest on Melissa Harris Perry or be a thought leader in public health or in public health communications, and what’s going on right now with work is practice.

God is letting me practice on a smaller scale so I’ll be ready to work at the CDC or NIH or even the White House. All things are possible.

But I can’t accomplish any of those things if I’m hiding. Or if I’m doubting myself. He sent me a bunch of signs in unexpected places that I cannot ignore.

So join me and come out of hiding. If you have a gift and a skill and a sincere desire to do something, then come out of hiding, put aside your fear and do it, even if it feels like it’s on a small-scale. When you are honest, when you do things from the heart and you are trying your best, the right people notice and you find yourself rising. When you show gratitude to people who give you chances, you get more chances. When you give other people chances, you get bigger chances. You notice you aren’t where you were a few years ago and you are in places you’d never thought you’d be.

Don’t hide anymore.

The Devil Listens Too

A long time ago, the old folks in church often liked to say, “When you pray to God, the Devil listens too.”

Last night, I prayed for my love life. I’ve started to do that more. For some reason, I never did. I always prayed for good health and peace of mind for my family and loved ones, prosperity, favor at work, but for some reason, I left God out of my love life.

So, last night, I prayed for a partner who was serious about loving me and protecting me and sharing his life with me.

Apparently, like an annoying little sibling, the Devil was on the kitchen phone (I know, I used to eavesdrop on my older sister).

I wake up late today, and I wake up to a good morning text from, none other than “Kyle Barker”.

You all know him. The suave, good-looking, intelligent man who rocks my world, but makes me a mess. Per the usual, we had a drag out some time last year and haven’t spoken for several months. I had said enough was enough.

But the other part to this that makes it so odd, is I thought about him as recently as yesterday.

A friend mentioned a few days that I should just hook up with him and rid myself of this serious lusty itch, I’ve got going on.

I said I couldn’t lower myself to call. I had too much pride and last year, I had nearly made it an entire year, without having sex. I owed it to myself to be strong. He wasn’t really worth it.

I had to hold myself accountable.

A simple good morning, and I was swirling. Questions, all over my head. What do I say? How do I respond. Be cool, ice-cold.

I said I was surprised to hear from him and that I thought of him just the other day.

To which, he replied he hoped I thought good things and that he was changing his number.

To which, I replied, my thoughts were good enough, however, when it came to him, the lines of good and bad often mingle and become murky. Then I told him I hoped all was well with him.

Then he threw down the gauntlet, said he missed me.

I would have been ok, but why did he say that?

I asked my best male friend what the deal was and if he was lying. My boy says he’s lying.

I know God works fast, but He isn’t the author of confusion.

He wouldn’t have me be with someone incapable of protecting me and my heart and this person has been careless in the past. This person has always confused me if nothing else. This person never really actively pursued me in the way I now realize a man should.

So maybe today’s text exchange was a test of sorts, to see just how much I’ve grown. If I can think for myself and be strong enough not get caught up in someone who always made me feel so weak.

I won’t blame the Devil, this time.

Either way, it’s going to be on me.

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