Over the last several hours, I’ve been thinking. A lot. Which is something we all know I do.
Then, I process it here on this blog, before I make rash, bad decisions.
I went out for an impromptu dinner with Lancelot last night, and we had a great time. It was actually a nice, family owned restaurant, not far from my house in the most unassuming (i.e. vacant) shopping center. Food was good, service was good.
After getting some advice from a friend the previous night, I was determined to turn up my aggressiveness to show Lancelot he was all clear for take off and that I am indeed interested. My friend warned me that even though during our first go round I was honest about my situation and where my head was at, he did put himself out there and no matter how nicely I thought I did it, I still rejected him and rejection hurts.
So I threw some obvious pitches out there and he didn’t swat em down, but he didn’t give his usual, cheeky, flirty responses. He was super reserved. So, I said that there would have been a time he would have said something slick and now, nothing. He told me I was fishing.
So basically Lancelot told me exactly what my friend said. And what I got from his speech was that he is being cautious about me and feels like I came out of nowhere saying that I’ve changed.
I’m going to be honest. I don’t like when people question me, or my honesty or my loyalty because that makes me feel like they don’t know me.
And I feel like he doesn’t. Quick text messages and meeting up for a few hours once a week, does not give you a real picture into who someone is, if you are trying to get to know them, busy schedules or not.
He emphasized that he doesn’t like being lied to and he hates liars. He would rather be told the truth and disappointed and given time to get over it than lied to.
I told him that my paramount desire in someone is to feel so comfortable with that person, to be able to say anything on my mind or share a fear so seemingly silly or ridiculous, that person won’t judge and won’t go anywhere. I want to never be afraid that the person I love won’t accept what I say or think that I have to stifle my feelings or my dreams or ideas or suggestions. I never want to fear negative reactions or disapproval.
And maybe that’s as much on me as the other person. Maybe it’s about my confidence level. There are very few people in the world I feel I can be like this with and I have to have it with the person I enter into a relationship with. This level of trust takes time, it doesn’t happen quickly. And as much as I like this person, that level doesn’t happen quickly.
I told him that wasn’t really on my list before, but I realize above all that’s what I want the most in someone now.
While I understand where he’s coming from, I really do; it still bothers me.
What bothers me more is I didn’t like who I was when he was into me, and now that I feel like I’m better and genuine and trying, it seems like I have to work harder. There is a part of me screaming, why did you like that person so much??? I’m better now! Look, see??? Like this version!
I’m also bothered because I feel like this is the most I’ve put myself out there for what I’d like to see go the distance. I’ve been very half-ass with the men I’ve managed to date over the last year or so. I can be real about that.
And it scares me.
It scares me a lot.
The potential for me being hurt is ridiculously high and I’m tired of having to pick myself up and recover. I really am.
I feel like I have way more to lose than him this time around.
But you have to take the chance, right? The greater the risk, the greater the reward. So here I am.
So I’ve been asking myself the question, am I willing to jump through the hoops to earn this person’s trust? Is this person worth the hoop-jumping?
I know the answer is yes.
The next question is who determines the length of time for the hoop-jumping? Him? Or Me?
And when does the hoop-jumping fade into just doing something because you care about the person?
Or am I incorrect in calling it hoop-jumping, because if you care about someone, it’s not?
Whether you are just starting out in a relationship or been in it for a while, hoop-jumping is a part of the deal. The term hoop-jumping sounds negative and like a chore. You are giving and you hope that person will give as much when you need it the most. You hope you can have this symbiotic relationship, in which there is give and take and your collective survival is based on mutual giving to the opposite person.
Have I not really worked at relationships before? Did I usually rest on someone being in pursuit of me? In my last relationship, I gave until I could not any longer. It drained me completely. I think that’s why it’s taken me two years to even gather enough strength to get to this point where I want to offer my time and myself to someone. But I’m still fragile and nervous and I want to feel reassurance too. I need it.
I honestly feel like I’m in the position to get played, hard. That I could really put myself out there and he be like, nah. Forget it.
My grandfather was the pastor of our church. He often had a saying, that if you loved someone, you have to “prove it, prove it, prove it.”
Talking about it wasn’t going to be enough. You had to have a track record of love in action.
So, what have I really done besides talk, take him out to a show and cook a meal? And it’s really only been a month.
He says that he is simple. He says that he is honest and does not want history to repeat itself.
I told him I understood his concerns and that was fair.
We are supposed to watch a movie and chill tomorrow. We shall see how this goes. Two nights in one week…