The topic of me and children has been a sticky subject, even stickier as I started to approach 30.
Birthing and rearing children scares the ever-loving crap out of me.
Most people would think that I am a solid candidate for motherhood. I’ve got strong moral values, I’m loving and I have a job and can provide for the child.
Funny thing is, I don’t think so. Not so much the morals and the values, but the providing part.
I have a job, but honestly in these times, I’m just trying to hold it together. I’m having anxiety attacks thinking about how the heater on my car has officially konked out on me and that paying for it will attack the few extra dollars I would have had this pay period.
I’m fortunate that my car and I have the kind of relationship where it knows to start getting sick in time for the non-rent devoted pay check. (My blog “Riding Raggedy” addresses car repair woes and reckless behavior.)
A child, not so much.
I’m 30 and I can be reckless and trifling with my money and suffer the consequences of my choices by myself. (Those consequences result in what I call “The Week of Poverty.”)
With a child, that cannot happen.
I’m responsible to a certain extent, but that kind of pressure would probably make me unravel completely.
I know people who wouldn’t mind having more kids– two parent homes no less, and they’ve even said, “We just can’t afford it.”
Tax season is approaching and I know single people claiming nieces and nephews and godchildren to get a few extra bucks in their refund.
I floated my new tax break idea to my friends last week:
“People get tax credits for having kids, why don’t single people get tax credits for NOT having kids!”
I stick by that. By making the choice to not procreate we aren’t helping to contribute to the clogging of the school systems, health care system or any other services that kids tend to need.
Why won’t people reward me for being responsible with my reproductive system and wanting to be prepared to raise a citizen with good morals and common sense who contributes positively to society?
I’m scared of throw up and poo.
I don’t want to spend hundreds of dollars a month on diapers. I certainly don’t want to do cloth diapers.
I love sleep too much.
I love sleeping in.
Kid germs are real. The folks with kids bring them in the office and we all end up feeling like total crap by the end of the week.
I hate strollers, I hate them being in my way when I’m shopping.
I love uninterrupted shopping. It’s my therapy. Children would ruin Target for me.
Kids are expensive.
They ruin your clothes and furniture and carpet.
I get up 30 minutes prior to having to leave my house for work in the mornings. I don’t want to get up any earlier.
My mom tells me that she used to be the most selfish person in the world, and that it magically went away when my sister and I were born. All of a sudden her mission in life was us. She was 19 and 29 when she had us.
When she was my age, wow, she had a 10-year-old and a one-year-old. I can’t even imagine that life. Thankfully she had my dad too, who is the best dad in the whole world backing her up.
As for me, I just always wondered if I had a motherly instinct. I was never one of those girls at church who always wanted to hold people’s babies.
My sister made fun of me for how awkward I looked whenever I held my nephew when he was a baby or my reactions when he’d start to cry. I would just look crazy and say, “we are going to find your mommy and you’ll be just fine, kid. ”
I once was in a serious relationship with a guy who had a young son. He told me one of the things keeping our relationship from being perfect was the fact I didn’t actively seek a relationship with the child. I didn’t feel I had to. I was in college for crying out loud. He had a mother. And I just felt uncomfortable, and I didn’t want to discipline the child or not discipline the child, it was just too hard. I didn’t want to fake love for a child I had no real connection to just to please a man who was cheating on me anyway. No buddy, the relationship would have been perfect if you weren’t a cheater!
I look at friends who are single mothers and I believe there is a God who performs miracles everyday through these women.
They love their children, but they are tired. They need help, they need support. Thankfully the mothers I know, they have great friends and family to help them when and if their partners in procreation have dropped the ball, but I see it in their eyes. I hear it in their voices, it’s haaard work. If they could do things differently, they would.
I’m always crying broke and I have a pretty decent job, I’d have no money whatsoever to even handle the basics if I had a kid right now. Period.
I don’t like putting time limits on anything, and that’s part of the reason I even started this blog. But honestly, right now, I feel a few things.
I refuse to be a single mother. I just can’t do it and I won’t.
I want to be married and in a stable relationship with two incomes.
I don’t want to have children after the age of 36. It’s hard on your body, and I don’t want to be an “older” parent. I want to be around for my kids and when they have kids.
People with kids always say, you will never truly be prepared for kids. They come and you adjust.
I totally feel that, but I also know that even at 30 and where I am in life right now I’m just not ready still, and I think that’s honest and it’s ok.
So do my feelings make me selfish? I don’t think so. I think I’m realistic with who I am, my limits and it makes me a better citizen. On mother’s day, me and my non-mom single friends congratulate one another for not having kids yet and toast to birth control.
I am not gung-ho about having children anytime soon and I’ve accepted that it may just be quite alright if I don’t have any at all.
I include this caveat. Things change. I may totally feel differently in three years, or maybe even next year. But for right now, I have no room in my life to bring any babies on board.