Lancelot has returned from his vacation.
From his text last night, I have reason to believe he hit me up just shortly after landing to book a dinner date this week.
We set up the day, and honestly, I’m a bit nervous and/or anxious.
I’m actually looking forward to it.
I take this nervous/anxious reaction as a sign that this time, I actually care what he thinks of me, and the outcome of this entire situation.
Honestly, from our history, I have more to prove than from the first go round.
This time, I’ve challenged myself to be more open. This time, I’m much clearer on who I am, my faults and generally what I want in my life.
Basically, I want to show this person the happier, lighter, less messy me.
The version he truly deserved to wine and dine and treat so nicely.
I’m nervous because the truth of who he’s always seemed to be exposed to me what I was not and couldn’t be when we first tried to start dating.
I knew I didn’t deserve such a great person, at that time. And as I told him, I would have tanked the whole thing if we went at the speed he wanted to go.
There was a part of me that felt like even though I talked this talk about wanting an intelligent man, who was financially stable, who traveled and had it together and was grounded and family oriented and had faith.
I met one during one of the most difficult times in my life and I just couldn’t handle it.
I was used to being the most accomplished in my relationships.
I was used to having to expose the man I’m dating to art and wine and food. I secretly took pleasure in making my men better. It’s quite arrogant.
His confidence in himself, his ability to be so secure in it and not needing me to tell him about a book, or give him professional advice left me without a makeover project.
The script was flipped and I was left scrambling and wondering if I was good enough.
That was the root of my problem.
So, I used the superficial excuses of his weight, and him being too pushy, because that’s all I could use instead of saying the problem was me. He still was pushy.
The real problem was the left over hurt I had from my last relationship, my insecurities and my fears of handing over my true self, this time with a few more scars and sharing it with someone. Then, sharing it with someone who wasn’t running from it or making excuses, but encouraging me to face it and find some beauty in it anyway. Huh? It didn’t compute.
This was not how I normally did relationships or how men did relationships with me. I was always fixing someone and grooming them, whether they liked it or not, because I thought it was in their best interest. Most of them complied because my argument was compelling enough, and they saw for themselves improvements in their lives. But the more they improved, the more I demanded, because I knew they could do better. And for some, they didn’t think I’d ever be satisfied.
Maybe they were right.
Much more than anything, I want to pick Lancelot’s brain. I’m curious about his interest in me and what’s behind it, particularly during times when I was far from my best.
You expect established people in your life to accept you as you are during tough times. When new ones seem to do it naturally, it is scary and strange. We should be skeptical of new people. They should prove themselves. But we shouldn’t be so rigid, we deny ourselves the potential for something new and something beyond the familiar. We intellectualize love. I intellectualize love, trying my hardest to make it fit neatly, and make sense.
To some degree, I do believe love should not be as complicated as we make it. It is a feeling first, and then something that has to grow, evolve and be nurtured and tailored to and upgraded as time goes on. It is an unending work, that lives on in our children and friends and family we leave behind, if we did it correctly.
So here I am.
Humble, vulnerable. Aware of my value.
The awareness of my value allowed me to end ridiculous relationships with ridiculous people.
Now I’m hoping that same awareness will allow me to detect the right relationships and the right people who have an interest in enhancing my life.
I need this dinner to find out if these conclusions I’ve come to over all of this time are true. I want to know that I didn’t romanticize him over time especially after dealing with men who didn’t come close.
It’s just a dinner…right?