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Archive for the tag “romanticizing people”

Real or Romanticized? Dinner With Lancelot Is On

Lancelot has returned from his vacation.

From his text last night, I have reason to believe he hit me up just shortly after landing to book a dinner date this week.

We set up the day, and honestly, I’m a bit nervous and/or anxious.

I’m actually looking forward to it.

I take this nervous/anxious reaction as a sign that this time, I actually care what he thinks of me, and the outcome of this entire situation.

Honestly, from our history, I have more to prove than from the first go round.

This time, I’ve challenged myself to be more open. This time, I’m much clearer on who I am, my faults and generally what I want in my life.

Basically, I want to show this person the happier, lighter, less messy me.

The version he truly deserved to wine and dine and treat so nicely.

I’m nervous because the truth of who he’s always seemed to be exposed to me what I was not and couldn’t be when we first tried to start dating.

I knew I didn’t deserve such a great person, at that time. And as I told him, I would have tanked the whole thing if we went at the speed he wanted to go.

There was a part of me that felt like even though I talked this talk about wanting an intelligent man, who was financially stable, who traveled and had it together and was grounded and family oriented and had faith.

I met one during one of the most difficult times in my life and I just couldn’t handle it.

I was used to being the most accomplished in my relationships.

I was used to having to expose the man I’m dating to art and wine and food. I secretly took pleasure in making my men better. It’s quite arrogant.

His confidence in himself, his ability to be so secure in it and not needing me to tell him about a book, or give him professional advice left me without a makeover project.

The script was flipped and I was left scrambling and wondering if I was good enough.

That was the root of my problem.

So, I used the superficial excuses of his weight, and him being too pushy, because that’s all I could use instead of saying the problem was me. He still was pushy.

The real problem was the left over hurt I had from my last relationship, my insecurities and my fears of handing over my true self, this time with a few more scars and sharing it with someone. Then, sharing it with someone who wasn’t running from it or making excuses, but encouraging me to face it and find some beauty in it anyway. Huh? It didn’t compute.

This was not how I normally did relationships or how men did relationships with me. I was always fixing someone and grooming them, whether they liked it or not, because I thought it was in their best interest. Most of them complied because my argument was compelling enough, and they saw for themselves improvements in their lives. But the more they improved, the more I demanded, because I knew they could do better. And for some, they didn’t think I’d ever be satisfied.

Maybe they were right.

Much more than anything, I want to pick Lancelot’s brain. I’m curious about his interest in me and what’s behind it, particularly during times when I was far from my best.

You expect established people in your life to accept you as you are during tough times. When new ones seem to do it naturally, it is scary and strange. We should be skeptical of new people. They should prove themselves. But we shouldn’t be so rigid, we deny ourselves the potential for something new and something beyond the familiar. We intellectualize love. I intellectualize love, trying my hardest to make it fit neatly, and make sense.

To some degree, I do believe love should not be as complicated as we make it. It is a feeling first, and then something that has to grow, evolve and be nurtured and tailored to and upgraded as time goes on. It is an unending work, that lives on in our children and friends and family we leave behind, if we did it correctly.

So here I am.

Humble, vulnerable. Aware of my value.

The awareness of my value allowed me to end ridiculous relationships with ridiculous people.

Now I’m hoping that same awareness will allow me to detect the right relationships and the right people who have an interest in enhancing my life.

I need this dinner to find out if these conclusions I’ve come to over all of this time are true.  I want to know that I didn’t romanticize him over time especially after dealing with men who didn’t come close.

It’s just a dinner…right?

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Crushin

I think I have a crush.

It’s been taking years to develop, but I’m willing to step forward and admit it.

There’s a really cute guy in the service department of the dealership I go to to get car repairs done.

He’s always very nice, and polite, and HONEST about the work I need to get done, and helps me figure out the least painful ways to get my car fixed and still keep me safe on the road.

He’s like a hero to me.

I’ve been gushing to everyone about how helpful he’s been during these past painful weeks of car trouble.

While some of the other guys in there over exaggerate on the estimates, he doesn’t.

I think I kind of sort of flirt with him, and I can’t figure out if he is feeling it or not. I didn’t give it much thought previously because I was in a relationship and at one point I was engaged.

But hmmm. The fact that I wore a sundress, flat ironed my hair and wore lipstick to be at the shop by 8 a.m. today, um, yup. It’s official. I have a crush.

Couple that with him saving me $300, and giving me a loaner (when they usually drop me off), I’m swooning.

He seems quiet and polite, a rarity these days. And he’d get points from my dad for knowing about cars. My dad always wants me to date a man that knows something about cars.

He seems really quiet and polite, he laughs at my jokes. I may be too much for him. I can be loud and a little crass.

He doesn’t wear a wedding ring, but who knows? He may have a girlfriend. He may have a boyfriend. He may just humor me as a customer because, well he’s supposed to be nice.

One of my homies said I should go for it.

But I already know that’s a bad move. This same friend says I have the “Erykah Badu effect” on men. I can’t decide if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

*Erykah Badu Effect: When one’s lovin is so good, it makes men ecclectic, vegetarian, go on life journeys to get themselves together post relationship. i.e. Andre 3000, Common… (For more on the Erykah Badu effect, one blogger breaks it down here in a post called, “Magic Genitals.” Too funny.)

I can’t Badu him because I like getting my car fixed there, I like him being nice to me and if it went horribly, I’m quite sure he and his colleagues would find more things wrong with my car all of a sudden.

I told my friend it was too risky.

The only way I could do it is if I bought a new car from a competing company and rolled in there to ask him out.

I also wonder if I’m romanticizing this guy because whenever I have car trouble, I’m already vulnerable and stressed out.

He could be a jerk, or a slob. He could have four babies mothers. Maybe he’s on a work release program.

Oh, but he seems so nice.

Did I mention he has one brown eye and one grey one? It’s strangely unique, thus more exciting to me.

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