A guy friend of mine who I very recently reconnected with after a few years blew my mind with an observation he made over drinks.
I’m still single, he’s still single. We probably met a good ten years ago, but stopped speaking after a perceived slight on my part. We didn’t discuss that.
But we did talk about the world of dating, how things have changed between our parent’s generation and how awful going to the club is, but how “Netflix and Chill” and online dating is contributing to our social downfall.
He lamented that our generation’s dating fails are connected to one thing our parents had on a regular basis, that we lack.
He said that house parties were unpretentious. There, you got social, you danced with people, you met a few new people outside of your social network who were friends of friends, there was good food and drink. Who wouldn’t want to warm up and get friendly in that kind of environment? Anyone in attendance was already vetted by someone in the room that you know.
I agreed. I couldn’t think of the last time I went to such a party. The best ones were probably in college. The closest thing in my adult life were ones I’ve thrown on a far smaller scale, and a wine party hosted by a couple I know, that was mostly attended by other couples and was quite awkward for me in the beginning.
He also made my ears perk up when he said, let’s face it. Most women are actually dating their friends and don’t realize it.
I blinked. I needed him to elaborate, so he did.
“Look, y’all go to the movies, out to dinner, to the theater. And y’all all look so nice too, but out with your girlfriends. Great restaurants everything. Y’all even go on vacations with each other. Y’all don’t need to date a man because you’re already doing it with your friends. At the club, you dance with each other and get mad if a man wants to break it up and ask one of you to dance.”
I had to laugh.
He was absolutely right. I’d just come off of an extraordinary trip to Belize with some girlfriends, and it’s not unusual to hit up my friends to go out for a nice meal or see a movie.
I was complaining a few weeks ago, that being a part of a support system for a crew full of single women was tough and could be emotionally draining.
It felt like I was pulling double duty, doing things for some of my friends that I think boyfriends should do, right down to helping each other move, fix things, hunt and remove rodents and insects, or helping each other shovel out our driveways in the winter.
Sisters are doing it for themselves, but it’s kind of worrisome.
We’re leaning on each other a lot, and there is a void of protection and security and companionship a man provides.
I was getting worn down from helping my friends recover from bad breakups, health problems and other issues.
I wanted my friends to have a man, so he can help carry the emotional load and just give my friends that dose of male stability they are yearning for. Not long ago, I even prayed a prayer, saying, “Lord, I don’t even need to be first. I can be last. But give my girls the partners they need and deserve.”
My male friend went further to explain that this is a female phenomenon.
“You don’t see groups of guys out with the same frequency of women going out together.”
I had to agree. My friends won’t ever be a substitute for a real date, but if there are nice things you want to do and you don’t want to sit around at home, you will invite your homegirls. Usually, those really cool things that would make a great date, you still want to go, whether you have a man or not. On three occasions, I’ve bought tickets to some really great concerts that I invited men on dates to, and I was either stood up, or we fell out by the time the concert came around. So, I’d invite a homegirl to join me, because I’m still going.
So by my male friend’s description, I have been going on a lot of “dates” with my friends. However, there are times I have really, really, really wanted and needed the company of a man and some flirtation. My friends can’t give me that, and I can’t give them that either. Do I tell my friends they are beautiful and awesome? All the time. But there is a difference and a tingle you get, when the right man hands you a well-timed compliment.
I’ve joked with some friends that honestly, it’s almost like we’re in a relationship anyway, the way we support and come to each other’s rescue because at the moment, there are no men to do so, or no “Steady Freddies” that have come along. But then my joke didn’t feel so funny when I really started to think about it.
I found myself getting angry. I was angry that so many women have to lean on each other when they are sick, tired, sad, mad and in-between.
I’m thankful for my village, but there needs to be more diversity. By diversity I mean penis. Penis support.
So what say you? Are you unconsciously dating your friends? Be real!!
In a land far away on another social media thread, I peeped that people said, this post made sense, but I had no solutions.
I don’t have solutions. I was sharing a really funny observation and perspective I hadn’t considered. It had some truth to it. So, Sway, on this one, I don’t have the answers.
I do think women shouldn’t sit at home and twiddle their thumbs. There’s so many great things to do and see. Waiting for a date (and sometimes your company is awful) isn’t the look. Pick who you want to spend time with and go and most importantly, have a great time, whether you’re with your homegirls, homeboys, boo, undercover lover, hotline bling…
Oooh, back to answers. I’ma go with my friend. OLD SCHOOL HOUSEPARTY!!!
More specifically to my life, maybe for me, myself, personally, I should try to get my guy friend to take me on a date…