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Why I Have a Secret Work Bathroom


Is it just me, or do you avoid taking a dump at work as much as you possibly can?

It has to be a dire situation for me to lighten my load in a public bathroom, especially at work.

It’s worse for women, because women like to go to the bathroom to talk, do hair, re-apply make up, readjust their spanx and even brush their teeth.

The problem that I have is when I’m taking a dump in public, I really want to be invisible. I want to be alone.

When no one else is in the bathroom and a person decides to set up shop in the stall next to me, it makes things worse…I’m afraid to make any sounds, I’m restricting my bowels now for the 1.5 minutes I think you need to pee and also trying to halt the gas I really needed to release in the first place.

I want the heifer next to me not to look at my shoes and match them to me later. I try not to look at other women’s shoes, while handling my business, but I do. I haven’t matched a person yet, but if I did, I’d laugh.

It’s horrible.

The one thing that kills me every time, is realizing that dumb broad who made the conscious decision to get in the stall next to yours (while no one else is in there) is trying to take a dump too– and is waiting YOU out.

No one wants to be the first to rip the toilet paper or have the other person on the other side hear them rip the toilet paper.

Eventually someone gives in and their bowels finally give out. I like to fumble with my clothes until the chick is done washing her hands so I can come out in peace and both of our identities can be protected. I think that’s courteous.

I try my best to be a polite public dumper taker, using the flash-flush method flushing as I drop each one, but it doesn’t help me be invisible.

To remedy all of the aforementioned stuff that bothers me in the public office bathroom, I have not one, but TWO secret bathrooms on two different floors in my office building.

Unless I’m about to explode, I refuse to use the bathroom on my female dominated floor that my co-workers use. I know that they know everyone poops, but I just hate that feeling of coming out to wash my hands after being in my stall for longer than the acceptable 1.5 minutes for a number one and making small talk with the woman brushing her teeth.

I just took a massive shit, and you are in here with your mouth open.

Now we both feel damn awkward.

Yes, I go out of my way to hop on the elevator and go to floors where there are fewer people.  Even if someone comes in the bathroom whilst I’m blowing it up, I don’t care. They don’t know me, I don’t know them and they won’t be able to pick my shoes out of a line up.

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