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Employment Guilt And Still Wanting More

I should be more thankful.

I say this over and over, especially when I’m sitting in a meeting at work ready to gauge my eyes out, or when someone asks me to do, well anything.

I’m making more money than I ever have in my entire career.

I get to work at my own pace and can work independently. I’ve worked hard to show I’m responsible enough not to be micro managed.

But I’m slipping. My hunger, everything. I’m not on my A game.

I have other desires and interests, and right now I’m in a dangerous place.

I want to pay my bills and go out to eat and live the life I’ve been killing myself over the last decade to finally live.

I’m even more guilty and I punish myself for acting like a diva when so many people are unemployed and underpaid. I’m just terrible. I call this “Employment Guilt.”

But my chest burns.

My mouth gets dry.

It’s harder and harder to get out of my bed.

Even the voices of some of my co-workers is enough to make me want to eat glass, or pick boogers out of my nose and just flick them at folks to make them shut up.

But I can’t do any of those things. The first is unhealthy and the latter is just nasty. Just plain nasty.

I have to look ahead. Look at my dreams and keep working toward them until they can become full-time and more importantly, profitable.

In the meantime, it burns me up that I’m slaving toward someone else’s dream and can’t put 100 percent into mine. But aside from my bills, the day job is funding the dream too.

Patience must persist. I have to put my emotions at bay and focus on the bigger picture.

I truly am thankful for my job. I hate feeling this way. I remember all of the jobs where I felt I was abused, worked to death and underpaid with little or no benefits. I remember how happy I was to get this job. I remember how happy I was to make it through two rounds of layoffs. So feeling the way I do right now, really makes it all the more complicated.

I can’t wait to establish my own culture for my company and its employees rather than hide within, beat or try to reform the one I’m already in. It’s not my culture to change. I’m tired of process, procedures, workflow and apathy.

I want to get back to my old, kick-ass self. Like I was so on it, I was annoying. I had so much passion. The reality of adult hood and being an independent woman (paying all of my own bills) tends to dull my shine these days.

I’m trying my best to live up to the fourth agreement of always doing my best. Which means some days your best may not be as good as yesterday or it’s better than the day before, but you can’t beat yourself up if you really tried your best. These days even the “worst” best days, feel like they’ve taken a whole hell of a lot of effort to get through.

And what it boils down to is, I no longer feel like the overachiever I’ve always been.

I can’t think of one super awesome accomplishment that just made me feel amazing like I contributed to something great.

It’s not even about others recognizing me, but me just really being proud of myself professionally.

I think it’s pretty safe to say I’m burning out and I need to figure out something fast before my work soul begins to atrophy.
I used to love this song off the “Mo Money Soundtrack”

Burnt Out @ 30? Hell Yes. Forbes Says I’m Not Alone


There are certain days where it seems your Facebook feed is just giving you exactly what you need on a day you need it most.

Yesterday, I got soaked in the rain, running to an assignment at the U.S. Capitol, only to be told the venue where a forum was being held had to be evacuated and I couldn’t get to where I needed to be (me thinks they were still trying to hunt down the man who was shooting at the White House, because he was hanging out on the Natl Mall).

In addition, I was trying to figure out how to scrape pennies together to go home to visit my family for Thanksgiving, and a package of samples for the new business I’m trying to start was being held in limbo three days beyond my supposed arrival date. I needed those samples to validate me and push me forward. Why couldn’t they have just arrived when they were supposed to? Now, because of the hours at the post office and my work schedule and commute, I have to wait to pick them up Saturday. Boo. I also came home to an unexpected misunderstanding with my rental office in the form of a letter I didn’t like, and I was just funky.

But good ol Facebook. The first message of hope came in the form of a post from a close friend who works with at-risk teens. He mentioned a 13-year-old girl came to his class with a tee shirt that said “Show me your money and I’ll be your girlfriend.” The business I am starting involves young women and positive messages and I was reminded then and there, sans my fabulous samples, I need to keep on keeping on with my project. I instantly told my friend to remember that child, because when my project is ready, I want to involve her.

The next post came in the form of a fabulous article from Forbes magazine. “Why Millenial Women Are Burning Out At Work by 30

I couldn’t help but read it.

I was wondering if I was going crazy or if I was ungrateful for being frustrated with the course of my life and how hard I was working and not really being rewarded at an equal level, the way my hard-working baby boomer parents told me things would turn out.

I was wondering if I was going crazy because I was willing and even ready to learn a new business after putting so much time, effort and a degree in a business I’d been working in in the last decade. It was scary.

It wasn’t supposed to work this way. I was supposed to become a fabulous columnist at a large newspaper and teach at a local university by 40. However, the way the media industry has been going these days, the same fabulous columnists I idolized are on the unemployment line themselves and wanting MY job. Gone are the days of working someplace for 40 years. Babyboomers are now being kicked to the curb and having their retirement funds drained by companies they were  so fiercely loyal to, who in turn, they believed would be loyal to them too.

Back to Forbes. I’m burned out. This article was so on point, and it made me feel a bit better that I wasn’t some ungrateful, little punk. Thank you Larissa Faw for saying it! A friend commented on my Facebook page that she was glad someone finally addressed this too. In closing, I’d like to share my response, which in my opinion sums up nicely how I feel about the whole thing:

See, ok. We are going to have to catch up real soon for real. There are moments where I’m like, shouldn’t I be more grateful? I should right? Then I’m like no, there’s nothing wrong with wanting more and being tired of killing myself everyday for whatever it is we are all working towards. Because of course, we all have to be striving towards something all the time, right? Something has got to give. I’m already worn out. I don’t care what anyone says. Women in our generation have a much more complicated situation than the women before us. Even though we have more wealth, education and independence, it comes at a serious cost. Not saying previous generations had it better, but where exactly are we headed? Will we even have the mental and emotional stability to enjoy whatever it is we have worked to achieve?

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