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Officer Cutie Is A Dad?

I bring you folks sad news.

After a light discussion with Officer Cutie, the whole little fairy tale world we talked about a few days ago, has been smashed to smithereens.

Just in passing, when talking about what he had planned for the day, he casually mentions, it’s my son’s birthday.

RECORD SCRATCH

“Your son’s birthday? You have a son?” My voice cracked.

“Yes, I thought you knew. Wait, you didn’t know?”

“I’m certain I would have remembered that. I know I would have remembered that.”

“It was on my profile.”

“I know we talked online so long ago. I feel horrible, because that’s something I should have remembered and I trust that you would have said something.”

“So I guess that’s it, huh?”

Silence. I was thinking. Maybe he did tell me. Maybe I didn’t pay it any attention because back then, I just didn’t think we had a chance, so it didn’t matter. I would have never figured 8 months later we would be where we are. I went on the date on a lark, and because when we did keep in touch, I kept saying we should hang out the next time I visit New York. I had no expectations that things would have gone so well.

But most proud single dads, they do bring up their kids. There was no word of this son until now. I’m not upset with Officer Cutie. I believe him when he said he thought I knew. But you could tell how increasingly disappointed he was becoming.

“Oh boy, silence. I feel you fading further and further away. ”

“I’m, I’m sorry. I should have remembered that.”

“I mean I get it, if it’s not for you, it’s not for you.”

Silence.

“What’s on your mind?”

“Do you really want to know?”

“Yes.”

“I’m sad. I’m sad because I like you. But I know I can’t do it. I know myself. Childless people who date people with children have to make a lot of sacrifices. If the kid gets sick and we made plans, you gotta go. If you don’t go, you are a bitch ass. And I never want to make a man choose his child over me. I never want to be in that position. A good man, a real man makes his kids first. I want to feel like I’m a priority, but I can’t ever compete with a child, I don’t want to ever have that feeling that I’m not the priority. Do you get along with the mom?”

“Sometimes we do. Sometimes we don’t. We do better when we don’t have to be around each other for long periods of time. But we argue a lot.”

“See that’s the other thing, with yall having a baby turning one, that’s fresh. That’s really new. The mom may have a serious problem with you moving on. Then there’s already the distance. I just can’t. I know myself. Damn. This is my truth. Does it make me a terrible person?”

“No. I understand. I think no negative thoughts of you at all. You are saying how you feel.”

Then we tried to muddle through more non-child related conversation. I made jokes about people having elaborate 1 year old birthday parties.

But all the while, my chest caved in. He asked me about how my dating was going on POF. I gave him a few entertaining stories, including the one guy who didn’t want to be trapped.

“I’d willingly be trapped by you any day. There is such a good thing as being trapped. If someone said they were trapped on a deserted island with a supermodel, they wouldn’t say that’s a bad thing. There’s being trapped in a bad situation and there’s being trapped in a good one.”

Even his sweet compliments stung even more. I told him I was tired and I was going to bed. I spoke to him as sweetly as I normally did. But I knew it was the end.

I scrolled through my phone to see the new round of potential suitors on POF, looked at faces and profiles and on one or two, took a deep breath and clicked, “show interest.”

I closed my phone and asked God, “Where’s the lesson in this one? Really? That I can like someone again? Great. Thanks.”

When it comes to the men with kids thing, that’s one place I have to tell Katherine Woodward Thomas I can’t bend. That is something I don’t want. I tried to “see” with my feelings, but I don’t want to be tied to this situation. I was already bending on the long distance. And I believe with people who have children so young, it’s too new. Some fathers have gone through some tough times with the women who had their children and they had to grow and mature and air out old feelings and emotions and they have figured out what works to co-parent. They’ve established their family rhythm and everyone is on board. But it takes a long time to get there.

With the baby just turning one today, I just don’t feel confident Officer Cutie and his child’s mother have gotten there yet.

And in the words of First Lady Michelle Obama, “This, this I don’t do well.”

Fairy Tales, Thunderstorms and Ah Ha Moments

I am a complex mish-mosh of feelings today and it’s not even my time of the month just yet.

I want to start off by dedicating today’s post to a friend who has been described as and even self-described as one who loves fairy tales and Disney movies.

That element of innocence and joy makes her endearing. We need people in our lives who have an unfaltering belief that love will always win.

The world has too few of those people as it is.

The concept of fairy tales has captured my mind today. Lancelot asked me months ago what my fairytale was, and I was stumped. I stumbled through something about having a book signing and the man of my dreams standing in the back wearing a suit, holding flowers (in front of his face like Bruce Leroy from the end of the The Last Dragon) there to support me.

I totally stole that from Sex and the City, when Mr. Big showed up to Carrie’s book signing in California and the Last Dragon.

I think it’s sad that as creative as I am, I couldn’t conjure up a fairytale. Maybe because I’ve been trained in writing the facts and telling the truth in what I write, the fantasy side of my brain is far less used. As grown, responsible people, we trick ourselves into believing that imagination is childlike. But imagination used properly fuels our existence, it gives us hope, it transforms our mundane situations. Imagination and the power of transformation it holds, is just as real as a hand in front of your face.

And as children do oh so naturally, we need to step back and celebrate it sometimes. No matter how ridiculous it seems.

But even thinking about today’s blog, for inspiration, I had to look up some youtube videos of the Cinderella movie with Brandy and Whitney Houston. Loved that friggin movie when it came out in 97 and I remember taping it on VHS. This was not to be missed, and this was to be savored over and over. When Whitney died, you couldn’t find the DVD anywhere, people were snapping it up. I think I’m going to order it on Amazon. Anyway, I loved the characters, loved the music, it was awesome.

That movie reminded me of how fun imagining and dreaming about love could be. Hell, that’s all poor Cinderella had to get her through her days.

And I thought more about fairytales and women being rescued and love solving everything and good winning over evil.

I thought about how excited I am and impatient I am about the possibility of what can be with Officer Cutie.

I’ve realized Officer Cutie totally fits into the hero role in a literal sense and it’s ridiculously attractive to me. That surprises me. Sometimes I have difficulty really, really believing that I can close my eyes and know for a fact that the man of my life has got IT and got ME.

Oh God. I’m attracted to Officer Cutie, well because he’s cute and nice and I am feeling butterflies. I want him to come visit like now. He had a simple request that I take him to the Smithsonian museums and national monuments on his trip. I got that! Easy. But God! Ding, ding. I’ve been craving a man whose sense of duty and discipline and clearly defined lines of right and wrong guide his life and his decisions. Officer Cutie is stable and responsible and just cool (Seemingly. It’s still early).

As a 31-year-old woman, the game has changed. My desire for stable and responsible is at a fever pitch. The quasi feminist in me be damned, I need rest.

I’m hot for this man because he is a living, breathing, human representation of good (seemingly), he’s a brave alpha male appealing to my natural inclination as a woman for such things like protection. Damn. I’m such a girl. I understand my wiring now. Oh boy. Now that I’ve said all of that, I’m praying he’s not the Training Day cop. That would be such a let down.

EPIPHANY MOMENT

Oh, I’m trippin right now yall. Wow.

It seemed easy to tell him that in the middle of a fierce thunderstorm with lightening yesterday, that it scares me.

It felt even better to hear him say that if he was there, I wouldn’t be scared and that I’d start to look forward to storms because he’d cuddle me to my heart’s content.

I replied, “That’s one hell of a cuddle. I’m all about that.”

I still can’t think of a grand fairy tale with dragons and stuff.

I just want to not be alone during a thunderstorm and cuddled.

Don’t Say What You Won’t Do

R and B crooner Jon B. came out with a song back in the early 2000s called, “Don’t Say.”

“Don’t say, what you won’t do. You know you’ll be the first one, to go on through.”

Now this song is actually about a girl that’s doing a man wrong, but I do like the original line for today’s post, “don’t say what you won’t do.”

I’ve always said, I do not want to date men from NY, especially black men from Long Island or NYC. Said this for years. I particularly have a lot of venom for black men on Long Island who seem to be disgusted by black women and don’t deem us good enough for whatever reasons they have.

I’ve also said, I didn’t want to date cops or active military men, because I would be constantly fearful for their lives and going nuts that they’d make me a young widow and have me acting like ol girl from “Silver Linings Playbook.”

I’ve also sworn off Caribbean and African men.

My friends have threatened me not to date any more men long distance. Like they’ve threatened. Some have said, they would travel across the world and country to stop me from dating long distance.

And they all laughed their asses off when me and Officer Cutie had a wonderful date and I had that sound in my voice when I talk about guys I like. It gets all high and sing-songy. So annoying.

Oh Katherine Woodward Thomas of “Calling in the One.”

You got me trippin right now. Oh, Katherine. When you said in your book to open up and not place barriers on who it is you date, and how your husband ended up being of another race your mother told you not to date, I had a panic moment.

Officer Cutie is a Caribbean man, from NYC, and clearly from his name, a police officer on a really dangerous beat.

So here’s what had me all messed up today.

Officer Cutie is a quiet guy, but when he speaks, you really want to pay attention. Today was no different. I perked up when he told me he had a question.

But let’s back up. Yesterday, we did talk about him coming to visit in the next couple of weeks and we were trying to decide on what’s an appropriate length of a visit since this is so new. I said he should come for a day, but I wouldn’t be surprised if things go well it should just be a weekend. But we should just see how it goes.

Back to fairly recent o clock today.

He basically asked me if I’d ever be willing to move back to NY.

I told him I really liked the DC area and that I would need a really good reason and an equally awesome job for me to move back to the Empire State. However, as I’ve said to tons of friends and as my life experience has indicated, I could end up anywhere, so I won’t say never. But I don’t really see it.

I asked him why he wanted to know and if he was trying to figure out if it was worth it to continue talking to me.

This dude:

“I ask because I was wondering if I ever had a chance of making you my girl and if things keep going well, and they kept going well, would you come back to NY to try to make it work?”

I lost my breath for a moment. Felt temporarily claustrophobic, but then relaxed. For the next few moments I was fixated on the words “making you my girl” and I smiled.

Then I went back to panic.

Yall know my story. Me falling in love with a man, getting engaged, planning to move to Chicago and even getting the green light from work to set up a home office there. The engagement falling apart, and me being devastated and embarrassed and the two years of darkness.

I had to come clean with Officer Cutie.

That I was a serial long distance dater and that my last relationship was a whopper. It wasn’t just a relationship, I was about to get married, then I wasn’t anymore.

I told him my story and braced for the worst. Who would want to deal with that? At least I warned him. It’s his own funeral.

He simply said NY and Chicago were different, that I had family in NY and that he would never ask someone to marry him and back out. If he was asking, he was intending to do it.

NY was different. There are a million ways to get to NY from the DC area, inexpensive buses, the whole nine. A long distance relationship in the Big Apple would not be the same logistical nightmare.

So I told him I thought it was important for him to have all of the information so he could make an informed decision about dealing with me. Then I added that the relationship ended in 2011 and that after a lot of soul-searching, I’m not bitter and crazy. I joked that I dropped a lot on him.

He then disclosed that he’s also been single since 2011 and has dated a lot since then, however I was the first one he could actually see himself with. Even though we only had one date, he really liked my personality and he believes we have chemistry.

At that point you could have really knocked me down with a feather. “I can actually see myself with you” also rang in my head.

A man, is straight up saying, “I can actually see myself with you.” The man is also asking questions to see how feasible this situation could be, but didn’t seem stalkerish or pressed, but open to seeing how things progress. But he wanted to at least see where my head was at before proceeding.

I really can’t be mad at that.

I’m trying to find the part of me that is supposed to say this is all a bad idea.

But I’m struggling to.

And that folks, concerns me.

“Don’t say what you won’t do…” “Making you my girl…” “I can actually see myself with you…” “Never say never.”

Oh brother…

 

 

Introducing Officer Cutie and Why I’m Still Single

I had a lovely weekend. Visited the ‘rents hung with the homies, had a great date and managed to do something touristy in my own back yard.

I spent Memorial Day on Long Island, and even ventured out East all the way to The End. Montauk Point. For some reason, I always imagined the lighthouse being bigger, but I thought it was still pretty dope. It was beautiful out there. Felt other worldly. The Atlantic Ocean spread out before me, vast, unending. It was very cold that day, to be the official weekend that kicks off summer, but it was fantastic. Me and my cousin played, “count the black people” we could see from East Hampton on to Montauk and back. Our tally was 28. Thank God for that family of five at the light house. LOL.

The Hampton Jitneys were rolling in full effect, (some only ten minutes apart) despite the funky weather. Monday was the only really nice day with sunshine we had all weekend. I’m sure the high rollers wanting to enjoy a Hamptons Memorial Day were disappointed.

After checking that out and getting myself a lighthouse magnet for my collection for the fridge, me and my favorite cousin made our way to the Lobster Roll A.K.A. Lunch, a very popular roadside eatery. The food was delish and so was the girl talk.

I couldn’t have been happier, until Monday, when I finally met up with a cutie NYPD officer, who I had met in the fall of last year online. I kept saying when I would come home, he and I should get together and it never materialized. I reached out to him around the time I got my plane ticket, because I refused to drive on such a busy holiday. Luckily, he was down to hang.

We had a great lunch and then we went to Dave and Buster’s and played games, shot pool, had a mean game of air hockey and even did bowling. I’ve been to Dave and Buster’s a few times, and I don’t think I’ve ever done so many activities in one visit. Normally me and friends pick one thing and keep it moving. But it seemed like we didn’t want our little date to end.

Officer Cutie was courteous and really sweet. I’m digging him. And of course I dig him and he digs me because I’m the long distance queen and I can’t seem to keep a man in the DC/MD/VA area to save my life, even though I’m really trying to actively date.

We got so comfortable at one point, I had to give him a kiss on the cheek for every gutter ball, and I had no problem with this. I told him I was a woman of my word and would pay what I owed. He managed to get a good eight kisses. And no, I didn’t suck on purpose!

He was cuter than his photo, which made me very happy. But here’s the other thing that sticks with me.

He’s quiet. He’s very calm. But I guess you can’t get rattled easily if you police one of the roughest neighborhoods in NYC. That’s what’s fascinating. He wasn’t aggressive, which I figured cops had to be. He was so, cool. Easy. He spoke softly. He seemed humble. He had things to say, but he didn’t dominate a conversation. He wasn’t imposing. I enjoyed his company but worried when we had pauses in conversation. Sometimes I worried I was too loud or goofy.

You all know how quick I am to knock men from New York and go on ad nauseum about how ridiculous they are and how they often want to be players and talking fast and trying to trick and stay 20 steps ahead. So Officer Cutie made me eat my words.

I felt like a lady and safe around him, he was just flirtatious enough without being disrespectful or pushy and he smelled soooo frigging good.

I think I’m still high off of the scent of his cologne. At the end of the date, we hugged, exchanged kisses on the cheek and I mentioned that he should visit Maryland. He told me he would need an invite and so I invited him. He smiled.

When I was at the airport, he sent me a text saying he really liked me and he hoped we’d see each other soon. I returned the sentiment. But something tells me this may get interesting. However, long distance? Again?

Not trying to really think about it. But I did like how I felt around him and I’m trusting that feeling and I don’t want to ignore that because he is in NY.

I’ve got some local online prospects that I’m trying to vet. We’ll see how they stack up. When I am actively dating, men tend to eliminate themselves and one guy always rises to the top. It actually helps me focus and narrow the field quicker and not waste time with fruitless encounters.

In a recent conversation I had with one guy, who I am interested in going out with soon, he asked that question that I get often. “You seem cool, attractive, why are you single?”

I’ve written about this loaded question before, but now I have a new perspective on it.

And this is what I said.

“I’m single right now, because I’m single. The right man for me just hasn’t revealed himself to me just yet. I’m confident it will happen because I’ve been through enough now to know how to properly identify him when he comes. So for now, I’m meeting people and talking and that’s cool. He’ll show up.”

I honestly feel that way now. There’s no way he’s not going to show up. My life is love. I have so much love for my friends and family, there is no way I’m destined to be alone, there’s no way that the God who loves me wants me to struggle and not have the emotional, physical, spiritual love that I want and need. No way. It may not be the timing I want, but I feel like I’ve been finally given all of the tools to help me identify him, regardless of looks, status or financial status. I’m going to know who he is when he shows up. (Thanks Katherine Woodward Thomas, author of “Calling in the One”).

That’s been my prayer. Lord, help me identify him, and help me quickly identify those who are NOT him and help me exit quickly.

I know exactly what I need to feel. I know what I’m supposed to feel when he speaks, and when he looks at me. I know what to listen for, I know what not to ignore. I’m confident he will answer any question I ask him comfortably and without hesitation, because he’ll know he’s been looking for me too and there’s no reason to hide or not be truthful. I’m thankful for that. I couldn’t say that a year ago or even two years ago.

Things are about to heat up yall.

I can feel it…

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