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Archive for the tag “new beginnings”

The Thaw

During my weekend of darkness a few weeks ago, I decided to torture myself a bit and watch the first Sex and the City movie.

The reason why I say it’s torture is because I watched that film multiple times after the ending of my engagement because I really identified with Carrie’s pain of being jilted at the altar. Now, we didn’t make it that far, but plans were rolling along, I had picked my dress and was about to start the alterations, and I had the shoes, and my friends started planning parties for me. The movie was not only torturous because it reminded me of the funk I had to pull myself out of, but the happy ending was also difficult because I couldn’t see my own happy ending anywhere in sight.

She ended up with Mr. Big anyway. Big, like my ex is an extremely messed up person, and like Carrie, I’ve vacillated back and forth with the hope that one day he’d get it together and give me the love I deserve, with feelings of never again and a nagging mistrust.

I’ve started to notice that even though from this time last year, on, I had been really trying to give various men a chance, deep down I knew they weren’t it. I’d even say it. He ain’t it. But I still forged through, because I needed practice in reintroducing myself to giving and sharing and just being nice to a man again and meaning it.

I had to return to the crux of who I am. If I care about you, I really, really care about you. I can’t love you half way. It’s not in my nature.

There are moments when you do something and you realize a year or two years ago you weren’t in a place to do so. When my wedding plans fell apart, I couldn’t watch anything or read anything about weddings. The other day, I found myself liking wedding photos or videos of proposals again.

I didn’t feel some kind of way about it or feel sadness. I was happy for strangers again and I could just enjoy the photos and videos for being lovely again. I’m not the single girl who build a pinterest board for her dream wedding, but I can totally appreciate beautiful brides and gorgeous locales. I’m happy for other people again!

I feel like that’s a sign that the thaw is happening.

I’m looking forward to spending time with Renaissance. I enjoy cooking for him and him enjoying my food. I want to cook more and find recipes to feed him. I want to dress up and slay him. I want to snuggle. I want to feel like a girly, girl around this guy. Lord. I have not said that he is not it, and I won’t say he’s it either. But I haven’t said he’s not it.

That’s a big deal. He may have a chance. He may actually have a chance.

Am I guarded? Hell yes. Renaissance has called me out on it and I don’t mind. It’s honest and I’m doing what is comfortable for me right now. I like the fact that he doesn’t seem to mind and that he’s willing to coax me out of the cave and is trying to apply some heat to the ice.

The other men I’ve dated recently haven’t given me such a warm feeling. Sure, they wanted sex, but the feeling was not warm and personal.

It seems like the thaw is taking place and I won’t fight it.

Have you ever been heartbroken and woke up one day and noticed the things that used to make you sad don’t make you sad anymore? Were you surprised to discover that you didn’t hurt as much as you did before?

There Are Times You Just Gotta Jump

I’ve said it numerous times that as we get older, we really get comfortable with fear.

So much so, that we decide not to try things, not to get hurt, not to fail, not to endure some kind of loss that may or may not come with whatever it is we are deciding NOT to do.

It’s sad. It’s a terrible place to be and I’ve been there.

Fear can paralyze us.

It can prevent us from loving who we want to love, fighting for what we want.

It can keep us under the illusion that we are safe.

But while we are merely surviving in safety and sucking up air, eating from time to time and using the bathroom. It’s kind of like we are just waiting around to die.

Sometimes life forces us to action, whether we like it or not.

So there are some schools of thought that we should be active and proactive in our actions so we can at least have a real say in our decisions instead of life forcing us to do so at the last-minute.

There is a give and take of energy in this universe. And what we do put out there, it does come back.

I won’t lie.

I was scared of letting go of my relationship for real, but even though I was calling myself dating, I wasn’t fully open to the prospect of going all in for some other man who entered my life. I won’t say the men I’ve dated recently were the one anyway, but it wasn’t until after my last interaction with my ex, I coined the phrase, “He is unable, therefore I can’t.”

He was unable to truly love me in the way I needed most. And if he can’t do it, he can’t do it.

The realization was something that actually gave me comfort in letting go.

I opened myself up to the possibility of rebuilding our relationship, but because he was so consumed with life happening to him, and a recent job loss, he did not have room to give me what I needed, and I had decided I no longer had the time or energy to wait.

My vacation allowed me time to step away from my life that was suffocating.

I was just working everyday, but not living.
I was constantly online looking for men, secretly hoping one of them had the answers to my happiness.

I took a chance, and overspent some money, but I went to a different country. I tried new foods, I snorkeled for the first time, and jumping off of a boat into the ocean was probably one of the top things I was most scared of, despite having on a life vest and travel mates who were excellent nurses assuring me nothing would happen to me.

There was fear, the vest and the team of nurses weren’t going to be enough. If I jump off this boat, I may go all the way down. Would this be my last day because I was being reckless? I’m not the strongest swimmer.

But even with all of the coaxing, I knew deep down, I had just enough to keep me afloat. I was more comfortable with water than I had ever been in my life and that I’d regret it if I didn’t at least try.

When you do something like that and over come a fear like that, and you finally learn how to breathe through the snorkel and finally look down, the world opens up to you in a crazy way. I opened my eyes and I just looked down, I breathed easier and I found myself excited like a child seeing the circus for the first time or the ocean.

I saw fishes of all shapes and sizes and colors, I saw the coral and I was amazed that I could have such a moment.

After spending most of my mornings in deep prayer and journaling, I came home refreshed.

I ate new food and met new people. I was blessed.

So what was going to change when I got home?

Was I going to go back to the gym again after work? Was I going to go back to my tee shirts?

Was I going to really go ahead and go to school?

I found myself looking up online programs, and thanks to the pushy nature of the admissions offices and their knack for intense follow-up, I was meeting deadlines.

I was purchasing books to help me study for the GRE.

I was studying for the GRE.

And today, I paid for and scheduled my test. Nov. 17. EEEKKK Hitting the panic button.

Am I still scared, yes. But I have a renewed sense of purpose I haven’t had in a very long time.

I was telling a friend that it felt natural to make peace with the end of my career in journalism and that I was allowed to have a new calling and a new dream and it doesn’t diminish what the old career and old dream meant to me.

In fact, it is a foundation. It’s still a career that was originally rooted in service and informing the public and making a difference and improving people’s quality of life through education and knowledge. So the transition to public health isn’t a wild leap. It’s an extension of where I am in my life.

I’m not looking forward to the test, but I am looking forward to starting the study and the research and the new challenge.

An urgency for my life sprang up in me.

I was no longer a child. But I am of the age where most people get married and have children and buy houses and I’m not in that group either.

I could take two years to do this for me.

I can jump off of the boat and see my new life spread before me and I can be proud that I went ahead and tried.

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