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Archive for the tag “moments of clarity”

Why Does Somebody Have to Die or Almost Die to Get A Ring Around Here?

It’s no secret.

I’ve been in a grumptastic mood as of late.

I recently had a discussion with a friend who is going through what I’ve gone through a couple of times, and that’s seeing a dude you had a relationship with propose and pop the question/get married to someone else.

So aside from the usual, “girl, it wasn’t meant to be and it’s ok.” Or, “Now he’s someone else’s problem, legally,” I don’t have much else to offer.

I hate, hate, HATE to say it, but in a number of cases, the man has gone through some form of emotional duress, or was in serious risk of losing the woman forever, or got her pregnant and felt he should do the right thing, or he’s questioning his own mortality after the death of a very close loved one and boom, the woman who is standing the closest at that moment of “clarity” that’s who he chooses.

And even more specifically, if that young man loses a parent or a parent becomes gravely ill, and he’s been in a fairly serious relationship with a woman, he’s going to put a ring on it.

I call it marriage roulette, or marriage musical chairs.

Life has spun certain men to the point that once the music stops, they’ve made up in their mind, now it’s time and whoever is standing there, they will get the crown.

You could have done everything right. You could have been an excellent girlfriend. You may have thought your breakup was mutual. But when you hear through the grapevine he is getting married or he already did it, there is a pain that soars through your chest.

It comes out of nowhere, and some chick who you are certain isn’t as awesome as you “won the prize.”

First of all, she didn’t win anything. She was at the right place at the right time. They could very well love one another, but you have to really ask yourself some questions when a man has been with you for a certain period of time, and either some kind of family tragedy struck or whatever.

I do think things happen to wake us up, to make us realize life is precious and so are the people we choose to love. But I will give a man a side-eye, if something as life-changing as illness or death of a loved one prompts my man to ask me to marry him. I’d stay with him and support him, but I wouldn’t rush the process or move up the date.

But here is the problem with these kind of proposals. It puts the woman in a difficult position. She’s finally getting what she wanted, but it’s under really stressful circumstances. Even if you want to tell your man to slow down, you don’t want to hurt him or offend him further. So women say yes. Meanwhile, their “special” moment still has a cloud of emotional panic all over it.

Asking a woman to marry you under emotional duress, is in my opinion, just like asking a woman to marry you while drunk.

Sure, your sentiment may be totally honest and as honest and raw as can be, but it shows that you weren’t brave enough to do it under regular, sane, stable circumstances.

Offering proposals under those circumstances is like lighting relationship dynamite. It’s unfair to both parties, really. Who wants to start off a life-long major decision that way? It’s cruel.

I’ve heard it straight from men. They felt lost, and they needed comfort and they realized how short life was and so they clung to a woman that they may not have necessarily wanted to marry before, but she was there.

She was there.

Even Steve Harvey, modern relationship guru… has mentioned that for whatever reason, men need to feel like they are about to lose out before they make a step and take the relationship to the next level.

I hate the whole game of jump, no you jump first.

Shit, take my hand and jump together.

I’m 31. There is no man in sight right now.

Oh yeah. Things with Lancelot have cooled considerably. We have decided to be friends.

All of that aside, I’m not going to be chosen, simply because I was there. I’m not a star on a mall or amusement park map.

So my friend feels like crap.

I’ve been there.

I got the news that an ex was getting married and I went running in 98 degree weather around my block.

I get it.

I see men, in long-term relationships, even living with their women (women who have been vocal about wanting to get married) and for a number of reasons they still won’t pull the trigger. They use the future tense with these women all of the time, they really can’t see themselves without these women, but nope. Won’t do it.

Why does someone have to die or almost die to get a lot of men down the aisle?

I Overanalyze Overanalyzing, That’s Me Though

I’m feeling myself today.

I think it’s this green jacket I’m wearing with jeans and wedges that make my bootie sit high and proud. The sun is shining and I think I’m awesome. I feel confident as a mug for some reason.

On my way to work today, I’d been listening to Amel Larrieux, which I mentioned in the previous blog post. She gives you good, soothing, thinking music.

One thing that was totally on my mind that made me laugh is Lancelot says I process things too much, or namely I need to not process the “bullshit” as he calls it.

I thought about it.

I originally took Lancelot’s words too much to heart thinking I should stop processing everything. Thinking back, and thinking clearly, and stopping myself from thinking he was criticizing me and being self-conscious and ridiculous. I think see that he specifically meant bullshit.

I had to laugh at the literal interpretation that I made up on my own.

He was right. I did process some bullshit, and it came from him, which makes it ironic.

I process for a living, I process for fun while writing this blog. I process for my friends and help them with their problems.

Processing and analyzing, taking facts and information and helping bring context to it all, THAT’S WHAT I FUCKING DO. Pardon my French. But that’s how I feel. I had to say it with such emphasis, because that’s how it came to me today, and that’s when I started laughing.

It was like me realizing my eyes were brown. Like, yeah silly. Your eyes are brown and you overanalyze everything. Ha! Silly girl. Accept it. He’ll accept it too, because that’s you.

This is me. Processing is my talent.

I do it well. I was trained to do it so I could write and communicate and inform people and give them something they can use. If asking why is processing, yes. I process. If taking things apart from different angles is processing, yes, I process. If replaying conversations and moments is processing, yes, I process.

When you are down or confused or mad at someone, I will gladly process your stuff for you. I process for hire and I process pro bono.

I shouldn’t be ashamed of it. I shouldn’t stifle it. It’s so silly.

I am so absurd and silly.

Then I remembered him saying that he always thinks of the best case scenario and the worst case scenario and that’s how he bases all of his decisions.

That’s processing. That’s totally processing. When I decided to consider him a hypocrite, I stopped myself short.

He said not to process the bullshit…

That’s right. Good advice.

However his definition of bullshit and mine may intersect, or they may be completely different. But it’s my choice.

It’s always my choice.

But I can still be me. I can still do what I do. To fight my urge to be analytical, is to fight the essence of who I am. It’s to cut off my inspiration. I might as well stop this blog if I cease to process. And I’m not going to do that.

I’m so silly.

I guess we’re both right.

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