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Archive for the tag “meeting new people”

Hook Me Up With Your Fourth-Tier Friends

I was hanging out with a dear male friend yesterday and while catching up over BBQ chicken wings, I declared I was ready to put myself back out there and meet some guys.

I’m not sure if I want a full blown relationship, but I’m down for some dating and meeting and such.

I’m bored. I have a new hairstyle and no place to go.

He paused and rubbed his chin as he thought of prospects.

My boy knows prospects. He went to an all male college that cranks out the likes of Spike Lee and Martin Luther King Jr. for crying out loud. He travels all the time and has friends on almost every corner of the earth.

I told him since I have a tendency to drop men like a bad habit when I’m in the dating phase, to do everyone a favor and only introduce me to “fourth-tier friends.”

Meaning, I don’t want to date your best friend or guys in your circle. Think of guys who are friends of friends and maybe another friend removed. A great example is someone you added on a social network just because you know them or met them, lol.

No one gets hurt if I suddenly stop returning his phone calls, or he stops returning mine. And I can’t give my friend total blame if this fourth-tier friend is a jerk, because well, they weren’t that cool to begin with.

So why would I put myself through this if I don’t want to meet a great guy I could actually fall for or take a chance with a guy my friend knows for a fact is a great guy?

I just want to get pretty and go out on dates. I don’t even want to think about actually falling for someone. Now other friends have already told me if I just want to go out on dates, I could easily get on a dating web site and go on dates until my face turns blue. I haven’t ruled it out completely. I just don’t want to spend $30 a month to do so.

Fourth-tier also does not mean your recruiter should trot out less-than-desirable guys, oh to the contrary. They still need to be at a minimum: employed, have good personal hygiene, manners, can hold a conversation and be non-boring.

He laughed and told me he knew better than to do anything like that and would put on his thinking cap.

I also told him he had to “manufacture an organic encounter” between me and said bachelors. I.E. a party at his place, or a happy hour, or outdoor concert/festival where folks just show up and strike up conversations.

He took it upon himself to set a height requirement, even though I am known for showing love to short guys. He said they must be 5″8 or taller.

So we shall see. I wonder if the “fourth-tier friends” plan will actually work…

The Men Are Where You’re Not

I had a great weekend.

I got to meet up with old friends, out-of-town friends, and meet new people.

Every group of brilliant, beautiful women I encountered, the majority of us were single and did not have boyfriends and weren’t even close.

Each woman took a different approach.

Some said, “Forget it, I stopped having sex.”

Some said God will send the man.

Some said “we got along, the sex was great, now he doesn’t want it anymore? I’m offended. Why doesn’t he want my ass? He would at least want that right?”

Some said they don’t mind putting objects up a man’s butt and he should feel free to express himself sexually without fear of being seen as homosexual.

Some said, you need to trust your instincts if a man likes things up his butt too much and stop trying to be over open-minded to the point of losing your own boundaries or sacrificing your own sexual comfort zone. You are not a prude if you don’t do everything.

Forget some said. I said that.

Some said they would go to a strip club with their man, while others said they absolutely would not. They feared getting hit in the face with a flying crab, from off of the dancers…

These conversations, as varied as they were, always returned to, well, where are they?

I felt like an outsider really, because I’ve been relishing my singledom as of late. My heart had been broken so badly, I have nothing to lose anymore. I’m taking the time to pursue interests I let slide and finding joy in that.

I do get lonely, but it is a temporary thing. Men are everywhere. It’s not that hard to get a date, it’s not hard to get sex.

It’s just hard finding the right man you click with and want to stick with and who wants to click and stick with you.

When I suggested brutal honesty to the girl who was pining for a guy she had great sex with, another chimed in and said it’s bad to put her cards on the table and look desperate.

I said well alrighty. Personally, brutal honesty from saying, I’m not feeling this situation to talking bluntly about sex, and bluntly about relationships has worked well for me. It was a shocking revelation. I’ll let those chicks figure it out for themselves.

I did give them these tips. One girl almost looked ready to write it down.

I said the men are friends of people you know and will be at house parties thrown by a friend of a friend.

The men are going to be at the restaurant you stop in one night after work on a random weeknight.

The man is going to be the one working on the Habitat for Humanity project you finally decide to sign up for or a meetup.com group outing.

He’s going to be standing in line at Boston Market after work because he has no one to cook for him (I’ve seen fine men at Boston Market).

He’ll be the one to help you when you are sucking at your first golf lesson or indoor rock climbing class, but still having a great time, not taking yourself too seriously.

He’s going to be walking back from lunch on a street you never walk down because you make a bee line to the same sandwich spot back to your job and never divert from your routine.

He’s going to be the guy that watched you walking down the street looking angry, stressed or too busy to be bothered.

He’s going to be the guy who saw you diss and dismantle the pride of the last guy who tried to buy you a drink and then decide to say forget it.

He’s going to be the guy one table over who heard you say “men ain’t shit” over drinks with your friends.

He faithfully goes to your gym, an hour earlier, or an hour later than you.

He is where you aren’t until you decide to show up.

And show up looking put together (don’t need expensive clothes or a lot of make up or sky high heels), and armed with a positive attitude.

So it’s all about timing, and it’s all about taking a good look at what you do with your time, where you go, who you are with and then taking a chance to flip the script, shake up the routine.

There was research I read a long time ago that said people should not drive home the same way every single day because it dumbs down your brain and you will eventually be on auto pilot and not as alert and more prone to get into accidents.

Same thing with your dating life. If you want to meet new people, you got to change the routine and your route.

Let’s get this Monday going…This beat makes me feel like Mary is on the hunt.

The Power of an Encounter

As I was thinking about reconnecting with old friends,  mentors or relatives by just simply reaching out and saying hello and happy new year (not with a mass text) one person really stuck out in my mind.

I met this friend last summer, when I decided to vacation alone for a few days in Myrtle Beach.

The goal of my trip was to get away, spend some time by myself and be badass enough to go on vacation alone.

It was one of the best decisions I ever made. I slept in when I wanted to, I got up early and had breakfast when I wanted to, if I wanted breakfast at all. I laid on the beach in the late afternoons and then I went to the pool or hot tub whenever I liked.

One afternoon after my dolphin tour, I went for lunch at a new restaurant. I had a great conversation with the restaurant owner who was intrigued I was vacationing alone.  In walks an energetic food critic who is reviewing the restaurant and was chatting up the restaurant owner.

She asks for my opinion for her column and I share it. But I warn her I’m part of the media too. As more information is exchanged, we both found that we went to the same university and shared the same beloved professors. We exchanged information and she offered to take me out on the town during my trip and I looked forward to it.

I ended up seeing her sooner than I expected, but under not so great circumstances.

My car broke down at one of the tourist traps later that night, and alone and about 500 miles from home I needed someone else to call besides emergency roadside assistance.

I took the chance and called her. Do you know she came, she waited with me and followed the tow and dropped me off to my hotel? She also knew of a reliable mechanic who wouldn’t try to take advantage and we were set.

The next day, she picked me up to check on the car, and I was disappointed that I couldn’t visit a local museum to see a particular exhibit. She called the director, told her she’d be dropping me off and arranged for the director to drop me off at the hotel when I was done with my visit.

We hung out the entire trip (when she wasn’t at work) and we shared a lot of deep things– things I never would have thought I’d share with someone I’d just met the day before.

Maybe that was even better; she didn’t have a history of me to judge me by or be able to say, “I told you so.” We were two kindred spirits with a lot in common and we talked and talked and laughed and laughed.  It was refreshing and beautiful. We both often mentioned how wild and amazing and pleasant such an experience was and that it was truly meant to be for some reason.

It was what I like to call a “sisterfriend connection” and besides just laying out in the sun and listening to the crashing waves and having no schedule whatsoever, I needed to meet her. I was supposed to meet her and share all those things bottled up in me.

It was almost as magical as finding a romantic relationship on vacation, but way more fulfilling and way more honest.

I told her about part of the reason for my impromptu trip, all of the pain I was going through and how just physically and emotionally tired I was.

When we said good-bye, we hugged one another, crying for a good amount of time.

It was another moment that I knew for sure there was a God and he was listening.

To have the right people placed in your life when you need them most, even when they seem to be at first glance– just strangers passing along on this road, or in my case, a food critic asking me what I thought of the ox tails, is indeed a miracle.

Sometimes we have to hear from strangers what we can’t seem to grasp from the people in our everyday lives.  The kindness they show to you is even more powerful because there really is nothing in it for them– the recipient could be an ungrateful jerk or their next best ally for years to come, or they could just be the angel you needed right in the nick of time, never to be heard from or seen again.

Maybe the memory of what that stranger was to you was the point.

Maybe that memory will stop you from making a bad decision or compel you to make a good one. It will compel you to open up to someone new or help someone you really didn’t have to.

Those moments in Myrtle Beach reminded me that life is so unpredictable and full of good surprises, just as much as it is filled with inconvenient, ugly and difficult circumstances.

I sent my friend a text today, wishing her a happy new year and that I am still touched by the power of our encounter. She texted me back, full of joy and offering me the same well wishes and said that she was just as touched by our experience too.

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