I am befuddled.
I really am. I just had an excellent weekend with an older cousin, who I admire soo much. I consult with her about all sorts of things and she gives such great and honest advice.
Spending time with her was just wonderful. Our in-depth conversations, especially about relationships really got me thinking. I was thinking about my patterns, I was thinking about how far I’ve come and the times I felt real love.
I’ve been thinking about what I’m trying to do now with boo thang and my friends have already been calling the time of death, while I’ve been hanging on.
I’ve been seeing things that I’m not a fan of, but as one friend pointed out, I’m holding on to prove to myself that I can do a local relationship.
Valentine’s dinner was ok.
I keep thinking how awesome I felt when I really cared about some one that I’d been seeing regularly for four months.
I shouldn’t be this blah.
There are some major differences in our previous dating pools, and I think he’s dated women with no self esteem or women pretending to be modern and independent and just getting it all wrong. We had to discuss why I felt it’s important that I be picked up and not asked to meet him everywhere.
According to him, that’s how women (in their 20s) are doing it now. They want the freedom to leave when they please, or if they want to go someplace else after.
To me, that makes no sense. My goal on a date is to have such a good time, we may want to find another place to go after to keep on talking. I’m not thinking about the next thing with other people or with my friends.
Who are these women?
What makes me feel particularly odd is I told my cousin, I’ve let a lot of good men go for various reasons.
All of the good men I let go, I was never ready to be with them. I was always coming directly off of a break up. I was always all over the place.
They seemed to be steady. They seemed to know what they wanted, but I didn’t.
My cousin told me to really look at why I wasn’t ready for these men who I knew were good men. Why it seemed I wasn’t ready.
Then, there’s a book I’ve been reading, recommended to me by a fellow blogger Ms. Shoesoverbooze. It’s called “Calling In the One.”
The author said, the love of her life tried to get at her like three times and she turned him down over and over. He was nothing like what she thought her man was supposed to be.
She said we have to close our eyes, and envision how we want our future partner to make us feel. Don’t think about what they look like, what they have. Just start there. If you know what that feeling is, then it’s going to be easier to connect.
She talks about opening yourself up and doing things to prepare for love. All very interesting stuff.
Like clockwork, I was sitting with my cousin and one of the good ones I let go sent me a text to just say hello.
I reminded her of the back story. He had a lot of the qualities I was looking for.
Employed (Owns own business)
Not too old
Not too young
Loves his mother
Had a good example of marriage through his highly devoted grandparents
Has religious/spiritual background
Great to talk to
Long ass list right? What was my problem?
I was still hung up on my ex.
I was hung up on the fact that he was a bit overweight.
He was very pushy in his pursuit of me, which made me uncomfortable. If I gave him an inch, he tried to take six miles.
After exchanging niceties, he informed me that he lost 12 pounds.
My cousin gave me a grin and said, “Hey, you may want to go out if he asks you.”
This person scares me.
This person scares me, because from jump he was intent on winning my affections. He went hard.
I have been dating people who have not gone as hard.
He made his intentions clear.
He said things like, “Be comfortable. This is your house.”
He wanted to show me off to his friends, and I reacted not so great. I felt ambushed.
I wasn’t ready.
But he kept keeping in touch every couple of months. Nothing long and drawn out, just a hello, or a Merry Christmas.
He’d go in for a kiss, and I just wouldn’t feel it.
Then there was the night he made me cry.
He made me cry on my way home because his kindness embarrassed me. It exposed my faults. It was hard to handle.
This is what happened and I may have shared this story before. I was visiting him, it was getting late, he always fills my wine glass too many times. He did not want me to drive home.
He invited me to stay.
I said I was fine.
He insisted and said I could use any of the guest rooms.
I said, I’m not going upstairs, I’ll stay on the couch.
I fell asleep and at some ungodly hour I woke up and stirred a bit to turn over.
There was a lump at the foot of the couch just below me.
He laid out blankets and pillows and slept down there.
I woke him and told him to get up.
He told me if I was going to be stubborn and sleep down there, that he didn’t feel right with me sleeping down there alone.
Then he said we should go get breakfast.
I said I was going home.
I cried and cried because I felt that gesture was beautiful and respectful and I hadn’t gotten that kind of gesture in a long time.
I was crying because I couldn’t accept what he was giving me and I knew it.
I don’t know why he keeps checking on me.
I don’t know if I tried with him again, with less baggage, would I still have the same physical hangup?
What if I tried only to realize I was right the first time? Is it fair to put him through that again? Am I feeling myself for thinking this man is somewhere pining for me?
Where is the line between settling or going for what seems like a home run on my list of wants and needs?
I know what I need and there’s a part of me that knows that person can give it to me and would put in effort in doing so. But what about me? These temporary relationships, I feel like I’ve been doing a better job at giving, but there isn’t a zeal behind it that I had when I was truly in love.
But what am I really doing right now?
Four months in… and I’m pretty sure four months now I won’t be saying, “I love you.”
The current situation I’m in isn’t the blissful first four months that I’m used to. I usually can’t get enough of the person, and there are days where I’m actually cool with not talking. I don’t go out of my way, and I feel like he doesn’t either.
We’re just two nice people, who are too nice to say we ain’t it.
I’ve been wanting to go out on dates and cuddle and get some, and none of those things are really happening with real regularity.
But then I ask myself are my expectations for local relationships too high.
Is that all there is?
Heart. Head. Gut. Cousins. Friends. Books. I’m not sure who to listen to right now.
But there’s a part of me curious about the nice guy who won’t go away…
You read this blog.
I’ve been wrong so many times.