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The Simpsons Test: Hints, Hoops and Bread Crumbs

I had a falling out with my Kyle Barker the other day.

He had me so mad and discombubulated that when he asked me genuinely to explain my feelings, I had to tell him I needed a day or so to step back, collect the thoughts, dewomanize myself so I can give him something solid.

If I continued on with the convo in my highly emotional state, I would have only gotten angrier and less coherent. I own the fact that I am female and that we can fly off the hinges.

I finally sent him a lengthy response this morning which included something that has stuck with me and that I wanted to discuss today.

“As a fellow Aquarian, I believe the things we say, do and not say are subtle bread crumbs we pray people we actually like will be smart or intuitive enough to pick up on and when they do, we know they are worthy, and in turn, that person will give us a knowing nod.”

I thought about the secret, subtle tests of intelligence, charm, wit, honesty and manliness I consciously and subconsciously give men.

I describe it like this.

I love the Simpsons.

Loved them as a child, a teen and as an adult.

My sense of humor and tastes naturally matured and expanded, but the Simpsons appealed to my humor successfully on every level.

Basic- for kids. Fart jokes, physical comedy.

Mid range- Pop culture references, common man and people living life.Work sucks, school sucks, wife, husband and kids are crazy.

High level- Politics, social commentary, references to music, history, high intellectual circles.

The Harvard-trained writers skillfully wrote this program that appealed to everyone, yet spoke directly to each of these groups like it was their own little secret.

Kids: Adults and authority figures are stupid.

Mid: Your bosses and the government are stupid.

High: Society is flawed. Life’s ironies vascilate between being extremely funny and horribly sad. People can be mindless, easily manipulated lambs. People in power are just as misguided and clueless and human and flawed as everyone else. Your media, your religion, your ideals can often be misguided and wrong and needs constant reevaluation. We are arrogant. We really know nothing.

I think this three tiered concept is my approach to dealing with men.

The further along you go with me, I figure out on which level you are most comfortable and where you live.

If you can’t go beyond basic, well we just can’t go further. You won’t stimulate me enough and you’ll claim words like “egregious” are just too large for your vocabulary.

I want the high level, intellectual insidery well-read person. They excite me.

I’ll say things, I’ll make references and I guess I’m judging, I’m scrutinizing if you are indeed worthy. But if I like you, I’m rooting for you to get it. If you get it, without me having to explain, I’m doing the Snoopy dance inside.

It may be elitist, and even cruel. Who can live up to secret, unwritten standards that only live in my head? But as I once tweeted. I believe in applying natural selection to my love life. Only the fittest and strongest will survive.

It’s wrong to want someone to read your mind and do everything right.

It’s impossible.

But yes, I throw out intellectual bread crumbs and I pray you pick them up and you honestly get it.

Those rare creatures who figure it out, they even turn around, wink at me and say, “That’s all you’ve got?”


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