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Archive for the tag “high expectations”

What Are You Willing to Be?

On Jill Scott’s latest album “Woman” she has a simple interlude during which she runs off the typical man’s ultimate short list for the kind of woman he wants.
“You want me flawless. You want me patient and sweet. You want me willing. You want my honesty. You want me to be appreciative. Respect your space, ignore your fears. You want a good girl and a freak,” she speaks.
Then she sings the following, a lovely reality check.
“You want something that you’re not willing to be.”
Oh, that’s when I lost it. I was waving my hands in the air, swaying back and forth.
Jill done did it again and in less than 2 minutes.
We all have expectations. And for some odd reason we place even higher ones on the people we want to have in our lives as if we aren’t flawed and that the person isn’t being patient with us.
Reciprocity makes and the lack thereof breaks every relationship romantic or otherwise.
When people feel like a situation is one-sided with no signs of improvement, you can expect that relationship to end.
A life lesson that keeps coming back to me is that just as I want to be heard and my opinion and feelings to be respected regardless if the other person agrees or not, the other people I interact with want the same thing.
It’s not unreasonable.
However, we’re selfish people. We can only account for our souls and the actions our flesh and bones carry out. So sometimes it is hard to imagine what it’s like to see ourselves from someone else’s point of view.
Jill’s sentiments weren’t the first time I heard the concept of becoming the person you’d want to date.
I’d heard it on a panel at Essence Fest a few years back and I’ve even read something to that effect in Dr. Phil’s book, “Love Smart.”
And honestly, this draws on the law of attraction too. If you’re out of shape, someone who’s in shape may not be beating down your door.
If you don’t smile at people, they probably won’t smile at you.
The interesting thing about being a human is we do feed off of each other. We feel more comfortable with people who are like ourselves, because you can find obvious things to connect on.
So, from time-to-time, I ask myself if I’d date me.
Do I like how I look when I look in the mirror?
Do I like the food I cook for myself?
Am I proud of the work that I do or the activities I engage in?
Am I loving to the people in my life?
Do I make time for people who I love?
Do I make time for me?
Am I taking care of myself?
I do think all of these things help usher in new kinds of people in your life. You’ll radiate something.
Lately, I’ve been seeing posts about how folks tend to meet people or even strike up short-term relationships while traveling, and I can see how that happens.
When I travel, I’ve picked out all of my favorite clothes that make me feel good, stuff that I wouldn’t be able to wear at work. I can be a bit more sexy. I also tend to try new hairstyles, so I feel like a new version of myself. I wear brighter colors. I’m well-rested, I’m curious, I’m open to whatever the day has in store.
The vacation version of me seems to be an ultimate version of myself. I’m not thinking about work or any of the things that stress me out, I’m strictly about the business of my happiness and satisfaction and embarking on something different and making the most of the moments.
I’m bolder because I’m certain I probably won’t see these strangers ever again. And like me, they are also about having a good time if they are traveling too.
So getting back to Jill, I’ve been wondering about being more willing to incorporate my vacation self into my everyday life. Because that’s the version of myself I’d really like to date!

The Simpsons Test: Hints, Hoops and Bread Crumbs

I had a falling out with my Kyle Barker the other day.

He had me so mad and discombubulated that when he asked me genuinely to explain my feelings, I had to tell him I needed a day or so to step back, collect the thoughts, dewomanize myself so I can give him something solid.

If I continued on with the convo in my highly emotional state, I would have only gotten angrier and less coherent. I own the fact that I am female and that we can fly off the hinges.

I finally sent him a lengthy response this morning which included something that has stuck with me and that I wanted to discuss today.

“As a fellow Aquarian, I believe the things we say, do and not say are subtle bread crumbs we pray people we actually like will be smart or intuitive enough to pick up on and when they do, we know they are worthy, and in turn, that person will give us a knowing nod.”

I thought about the secret, subtle tests of intelligence, charm, wit, honesty and manliness I consciously and subconsciously give men.

I describe it like this.

I love the Simpsons.

Loved them as a child, a teen and as an adult.

My sense of humor and tastes naturally matured and expanded, but the Simpsons appealed to my humor successfully on every level.

Basic- for kids. Fart jokes, physical comedy.

Mid range- Pop culture references, common man and people living life.Work sucks, school sucks, wife, husband and kids are crazy.

High level- Politics, social commentary, references to music, history, high intellectual circles.

The Harvard-trained writers skillfully wrote this program that appealed to everyone, yet spoke directly to each of these groups like it was their own little secret.

Kids: Adults and authority figures are stupid.

Mid: Your bosses and the government are stupid.

High: Society is flawed. Life’s ironies vascilate between being extremely funny and horribly sad. People can be mindless, easily manipulated lambs. People in power are just as misguided and clueless and human and flawed as everyone else. Your media, your religion, your ideals can often be misguided and wrong and needs constant reevaluation. We are arrogant. We really know nothing.

I think this three tiered concept is my approach to dealing with men.

The further along you go with me, I figure out on which level you are most comfortable and where you live.

If you can’t go beyond basic, well we just can’t go further. You won’t stimulate me enough and you’ll claim words like “egregious” are just too large for your vocabulary.

I want the high level, intellectual insidery well-read person. They excite me.

I’ll say things, I’ll make references and I guess I’m judging, I’m scrutinizing if you are indeed worthy. But if I like you, I’m rooting for you to get it. If you get it, without me having to explain, I’m doing the Snoopy dance inside.

It may be elitist, and even cruel. Who can live up to secret, unwritten standards that only live in my head? But as I once tweeted. I believe in applying natural selection to my love life. Only the fittest and strongest will survive.

It’s wrong to want someone to read your mind and do everything right.

It’s impossible.

But yes, I throw out intellectual bread crumbs and I pray you pick them up and you honestly get it.

Those rare creatures who figure it out, they even turn around, wink at me and say, “That’s all you’ve got?”


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