My shit does stink.
Like it does. For real. I can blow up a bathroom.
I know a man really loves me if he can use the bathroom after I blow it up. That’s my litmus test. You laugh at my jokes, cool. You respect me, that’s lovely. Can you use the bathroom after I blow it up? This can go somewhere, you may get to meet the folks.
But aside from that, I sat and I was thinking about my most undesirable traits, and I often wonder how other people interpret them.
I came up with this the other day:
“I’m only as lovely and wonderful or as difficult and complicated as I present myself to you. The way you interpret it is up to you. The truth is somewhere between my presentation and your interpretation.”
That is going to be my new mantra for dating, and for people who want to be my friend.
Here’s the fine print, the warning label.
I can be sensitive.
When I don’t want to be bothered, I don’t want to be bothered.
I’m a bit paranoid.
When I need to be alone, I need to be alone.
Sometimes I fall off the face of the earth to be alone for long periods of time.
I screen phone calls. And make faces when I don’t want to be bothered.
I’m non-confrontational, so when I’m pushed beyond my limit, the blackout occurs, feelings get hurt.
I’m more self-conscious than I’d like to be or admit.
I’m a worry wart. My worries harass me non stop until they are resolved.
I drool in my sleep. A lot. It’s embarrassing. My dentist says I have active salivary glands.
I’m not a cutter, but I think I get a similar sensation they feel when I squeeze zits and blackheads. I have to squeeze zits and blackheads, even though I know I may get a scar.
I’m fascinated by phlegm and I have to look at it first in amazement before I ball up the tissue and throw it away.
I talk loud.
I repeat myself.
DID YOU HEAR ME? I REPEAT MYSELF. Tee hee.
These last two come from being the baby of the family and demanding attention.
I will keep a secret if I know it’s going to do more damage than good. Yes, I have the right to make that call.
I get jealous.
I lie about being jealous.
If we are sharing food, I probably want the last egg roll, chicken wing, samosa, taco etc on the plate and I feel I should have it.
I’m a pack rat. I’m not like hoarders, but I could stand to do a bit better.
I am the most non-judgemental judgemental person I know. I judge people, and their ridiculous actions, but it comes from a good place and my assessments are usually on point.
I say I’m not keeping score, I’m doing this from my heart. It may be from my heart, it may be to prove a point, but I’m for damn sure keeping score. Reciprocity. I take it seriously.
I go to church. I love Jesus.
But I drink, cuss and have a weakness for penis.
Clearly me and the Lord got a lot of work to do.
This is me. Beautifully ugly, realistically human.
Take it away Mary…