I’ve come to this conclusion. It’s time to hang up the online dating for a while. I’m toying with erasing my online persona from a dating site, but I just don’t think I’ll log on for a while. Who wants to start over?
I’ve made this decision because It’s frankly becoming a rote exercise of empty discussions, false starts and first and only dates. No real followup. And that’s happened on my end too.
So it seems you can’t depend on going out all of the time to meet someone and you can’t completely depend on the internet either. You have to do both.
Online dating was making me impatient and lazy. I was reading one blogger who said, sitting at home in your sweats trying to talk to someone and be sexy and charming and interesting, feels like a lie. You aren’t really trying. You are in your sweats on your couch. You subconsciously aren’t giving your best.
Now that doesn’t mean you should dress up to exchange messages, but it made me think of the benefits of going out. Which I was adamantly against once I started online dating. I was over it. I was tired of it. I wasn’t having fun anymore.
As I thought about things, I noticed that when I met men while I was out and about, I went on multiple dates with them, and some of them, I still get a phone call or a text from now and then.
I do think when a man meets you in person, it’s quite intentional. He made up his mind that he found you attractive and interesting, and decided that if he doesn’t take the chance now, he may never see you again. Urgency aids the process. Scarcity aids the process.
With online dating, Plenty of Fish, in particular, some men do see you right away and they want to speak to you and they do.
Some men add you as a “favorite” like a bookmark to be circled back to later when convenient. They know short of you quitting the site, you’ll always be around. The urgency to get to know you or not let you slip away, no longer exists.
So, while my recent complaint has been that I can’t stand DC nightlife, the posing, the posturing, and pageantry of it all, there is some merit to putting on your freakum dress, high heels and looking and feeling your best and dancing around.
Simply put, men like that.
I’ve had a number of conversations with men about when they first saw me. They saw me laughing, smiling, politely turning someone else down, being cordial to strangers and they said they had to get to know me. They remembered what I was wearing and my confidence in that moment. Or if I seemed deep in thought, which led them to want to know what I was thinking. With online dating, it’s mighty hard to convey any of those things.
My problem was, I was, in fact using online dating as a crutch then getting mad things weren’t working out. I think the men on the online dating sites are officially bored with it too, and if you meet one person and they aren’t what you wanted, you can go back into the fray, immediately and see if someone else fits.
It really feels like the lost and found. People are trying on things, putting it back, someone else is picking it up hoping it works.
So I have resolved to spend a little more time on going out. Doing my old thing of stopping at a bar or restaurant after work for dinner and a drink, looking like I tried and seeing if I can strike up some convos.
Men I’ve met in person, seem to be more inclined to keep in touch and want to know more about you. They’ve already seen what you look like and the immediate attraction is real.
Unlike online dating where a person may be disappointed in the real thing in comparison to the photograph online.
So there is a music festival coming up in North Carolina, that I’m strongly considering attending. One because I love music and the line up is going to be dope, and two because I need to be seen. Will I meet people from other places that will contribute to my chronically long distance attraction? Sure. But oh wells. It’s time to just get out there.
I’ve been staying in the house long enough. I have one friend, who I know will read this and say she’s been saying it for the longest. Yes, you are right. It’s time to go back out. Fine.