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Archive for the tag “following your heart”

Walk By Faith, Not By Sight

I’ve been listening to a lot of Mary J. Blige, India.Arie, Emili Sande and a song by Chrisette Michele called I don’t know why, but I do.

After extending the invite for my ex-fiance to come and visit to help him clear his head and possibly start the defunkedified process (that he needs to complete solo), a few things crossed my mind.

1. What the hell did I do?

2. Am I really this strong? Or am I nuts?

3. Why does this feel like the right thing to do?

4. Why am I actually calm?

Then came the response email from him.

He said he didn’t know what to think and that of all of the people in the world to show that kind of love and care, it’s difficult for him to accept it from me. ESPECIALLY me. (He put that in all caps.)

He proceeded to shock me even further when he said that he is open to coming and will start looking into flights.

This doesn’t necessarily mean that he’ll still show up, but the fact that he says he’s open to it, leads me to believe that is progress. He said he’d been running from this for too long, and that he wanted to come and see me in April, but decided against it. He said he imagined over and over the various ways our reunion would go.

So, it appears he may just take me up on my offer.

I decided to keep my response short and sweet.

I told him that I was glad he was open to the visit and that I am not going to take back my invite at any point and that he was welcome. I told him to not second guess or talk himself out of it, but to simply come.

We’ll have good food, catch up and go and have a good time.

No expectations.

I told him I really didn’t know why I felt so strongly about this at this moment in time, but I do and that our encounter would be equally as risky for me as it is for him.

I told him to keep me posted on the flights and closed it out.

From a spiritual standpoint, I feel like this is a real test of my faith and all of the things I’ve been saying that I’ve been learning about myself and personal growth.

It is about taking a huge emotional leap, which is something I have not done.

Is this potentially dangerous?

Most certainly.

But my gut is saying that I am safe. I have enough in me to deal with him coming, seeing him face-to-face, showing him love and concern and support and then dealing with the aftermath.

I have no clue what is going to happen. But I know that if at any point, I have the right to and can simply say ok, this is enough, I’m not comfortable and we can cut it short.

You, my blog family know about this. I’ve decided not to really tell folks, because clearly, everyone in my life isn’t a fan of this guy. And I don’t blame them. If I wasn’t me, I would lovingly say, you need to leave this alone, or I don’t agree, but you have to do what you have to do.

The thing I keep thinking about is, what I’m doing isn’t even about forgiveness. I forgave him a very long time ago. Forgiveness isn’t even on my mind. He still needs to do the work to forgive himself and shake his feelings of unworthiness and self-loathing. I’ma need him to listen to Anthony Hamilton’s “Life Has a Way” on repeat.

Anyway, when I prayed for my own healing, when I’ve been seeking to better myself, a chance to prove what I’ve really learned and if I’m the woman I think I’m trying to be has presented itself.

Be that chick, chick.

It’s not easy. On one level, it seemed to be an impulsive act rooted in my wanting to help people I love, on another it was a direct challenge that said, if you are thinking on another level, if you are loving people on another level, then here is the person who has hurt you like no other.

Can you see his humanity? Yes. Have you distanced yourself and strengthened yourself enough to be there for him as a friend without taking on his burden for him and losing yourself?

Can you be an instrument of God, and show him that love is real and strong and forgiving and that forgiveness is a gift that we are all allowed to be shown? Totally.

I feel like this is beyond our history. This is deeper than me proving something to myself about my healing and growth.

I had a previous moment like this when dealing with a rival at work. The more hateful she became, I took myself out of the equation and decided this person has been hurt and hurt to such a point it’s destroyed her self-esteem and self-worth and has tried to stamp out whatever good may be in her. She sees something in me and it bothers her. It’s not about me.

Keep in mind, it took me a few years. This chick was trying to ruin my life, but when I started to see it from that point of view, it changed me and how I dealt with her. I still get irritated by her, but I have sympathy. I could not say that a few years ago. But making the conscious choice to see her humanity, I had to stop letting my hate for her build up inside of me. She has to be carrying around some painful stuff, to feel the need to treat others the way she does.

I’ve said before that my ex has a lot of pain and has programmed himself to feel like the only way to deal with it is to deal with it alone and for some reason feel like he deserves this non-stop pain and self-punishment.

It is not my responsibility to fix it. But if I have a chance to show God’s love, because His love is far greater than mine will ever be, and if my ex can see that God in me, then maybe things can change for him.

It does seem extreme that the person he hurt the most is rallying for him, but God’s love is extreme and huge and inexplicable. And that’s part of the reason that I feel so strongly about doing this and not knowing why. Maybe I’m not supposed to until God’s work in this situation is finished. And when it’s done, it’s done.

I’ve never been here before. And I don’t know anyone else who has been here before. That’s what makes this particularly daunting, and that’s what let’s me know this is the path I’ve got to walk.

I’m not afraid of him hurting me again.

I’m doing this for the right, albiet unknown reasons.

I’m going to walk by faith.

On Seeing Myself and Other Revelations

So many things are going on in my heart and mind right now, it’s kind of nuts.

I’m inspired by how kick-ass Lancelot is, and I’m inspired by the book I’ve been talking to you folks about, “Calling in the One.”

There is a section in the book that talks about being a better you and basically having things going for yourself so it’s a lot easier for someone who has their stuff together can enter your life and you can both go do great things together.

The book, and Lancelot’s passion and risk-taking abilities speak to something I’ve known about myself all along but have kind of suppressed the last couple of years, because I’ve been in survival mode.

I do enjoy doing things that I feel are meaningful and that will help others and will allow me to be creative.

Somewhere along the way, I got lost in the sauce. And even with a new management position now, for which I am grateful, I have gotten further and further away from my passion as a writer and a reporter. I no longer professionally identify as such.

I still consider myself a journalist and editor, but I work in the digital space, with online content, primarily. I enjoy supporting my team, teaching them things and watching them grow. But, I can only take them so far, because in this world, I’ve only gotten so far myself and have been struggling with what to do next with this company way long ago.

Something tugged on my heart to go to volunteermatch.com yesterday. And there are times I have these moments. I feel inspired, I want to give back, but I search the site and either the times are bad or locations for the things I’m interested in.

I did something different with my search and put in writer as the keyword. There were few choices that popped up, but one did and it was awesome. It was for a writing coach to help low income kids prepare their college applications and scholarship essays.

I was all over it. I applied yesterday, got correspondence from the organization right away, and as of this morning, I passed the background check. I will be participating in an intense four-day program at a local university, working with a group of 4 to 6 kids, getting them ready.

Then I realized the personal mission I wrote down like three weeks ago. Connecting people to opportunities!! Yes, I am already embarking on that journey! I felt and still feel so good.

Yes, I will be taking two vacation days to do this, but I really want to. It’s important to me.

“Calling in the One” made me think about the connection to feeling good about myself, working on my purpose outside of potential romantic relationships.

I want Lancelot to be proud of me. I want to be his equal. I’ll never know how to do the crazy information technology stuff he does, but I know how to write my ass off. I know how to sit down and talk to people, ask them questions and have them share with me and feel safe. I know how to encourage people and cheer them on and remind them of the greatness they have inside them.

I want to do more of those things.

I find so much joy in talking to my mentee. I decided today to not just talk to her about her goals, but talk about the process of creativity and inspiration. So I shared with her my favorite books that spoke to me and or changed my life forever. Then I asked her to tell me what her favorite books are music are. We could take a short break from prepping our proposal to the local newspaper for an internship for a moment.

I look forward to her response.

It’s becoming clearer to me that I want to transition into working with young people and helping them gain access to opportunities. I don’t think I want to be a teacher, but I want to help them discover their talents and build a plan to help them utilize it and find a way to make a living out of it.

Seems like a lofty goal and I guess it does sound like a teacher or a guidance counselor. But I don’t want to be bogged down in the administrative nightmare of working in public schools. And I don’t want suckie pay. But, if I end up happily, ever after with Lancelot, maybe I’d have a little breathing room to do something without thinking about my rent all of the time…Can’t bank on that, but I’m just saying…

So what’s out there for someone like me? How can I blend my talents as a professional communicator with helping young people and get paid and not starve?

What masters degree could I get? What organization could I build or start?

Even with the tee shirt business, where the grand vision also included a women’s lifestyle website with articles and eventually empowerment conferences… I’ve been more motivated.

Trying to build the website on my own, I’m realizing has been holding me back and making me nuts. Just to get going, I may just buckle down and pay money for a simple site and finally get started. Just because the website I was building was free, it’s costing me more time and frustration. Sometimes you just have to jump out there.

Lancelot has shown me that, and so has “Calling in the One.” The book is gangsta. So I’m working on me. The better version of me. The version that seems to be gravitating toward working with young people and helping them reach their dreams.

One of the organizers from the event I spoke at a few weeks ago sent me some photos. Most of them were taken unaware, and seriously aside from me being dissappointed with my weight, I looked really happy. I looked comfortable doing what I was doing.

I saw myself.

I really saw the heart of who I am, in a photograph of me holding a microphone, sitting in a circle of young women, sharing with them.

It moved me.

One of my close friends saw it and said, “Just look at how those girls are looking at you.”

That was cool, if it was a look of interest and admiration, but I was more interested and fixated on what was radiating out of me. It was natural and it was the best of myself.

I had the same feeling looking at that picture, as I did in a photo of me from years ago, when I stood outside of the White House, arms folded, rocking a fabulous suit, with press credentials around my neck.

I feel my life shifting into something I’ve never expected and I embrace that. I’m happy to find myself being filled with purpose again.

A Compass, When I Just Want A GPS…

One of my obsessions from 2012 that I will probably carry into 2013 is a compass.

Pretty simple huh? I might as well start fire with stones and sticks.

I have a Pinterest board dedicated to all things compass, primarily great jewelry or even a tattoo or two.

Something about a compass inspires me, because in my opinion a compass appeals to the side of us that’s willing to venture out into the unknown, but also gives a certain nod to the side that seeks security in at least having some clue as to what direction we are headed.

I admire the compass even more for what it did for folks, pre GPS, and how most of us can’t even look up in the sky and figure out direction according to the sun and stars.

The compass has a certain meaning to me. I featured a compass on one of the shirts I designed, with a heart at the center.

I hoped that the wearer of the shirt would “follow their heart” because, usually, as convoluted or as strange as it may feel, even counterintuitive at times; following your heart/gut/spirit or if you believe in God, and/or following what He’s saying to you will always lead you to the right place. Always.

But there are days like today, where I get tested about that.

As I wait almost a month to hear back from what I believe to be a dream job, things are going in strange directions at my current job, where a co-worker has pointed out, may actually benefit me. If I squint and cock my head to the side, I can sort of make out the potential truth in what this super optimistic person has said.

Prayer is a powerful thing, but I said this one particular prayer out of fear and mainly the fear of rejection: “Lord, help me to accept if I don’t get the dream job, and help me to accept it if it’s your will, I remain at the old.”

I feel like God has given me a compass, when I’m begging for a GPS right now.

He’s given me everything I need to move forward, but I want specific turn-by-turn directions.

Today, a compass, today, just knowing the sun rises in the east and sets in the west ain’t enough. I want to know exactly where I’m going.

I want that phone call and the yes.

Or, I want my current job to say, hey, you’ve been through a lot and now that we’ve moved the one person left on your team to another department and it’s just you, because we can’t hire anyone else until um, March (who said I was going to be here in March to train them, eh? and I’m the only one now who does and knows this super essential stuff), we are going to give you a $20,000 raise to truly satisfy you and make up for the pay cut you had to take a few months ago.

So, all I’ve got is a compass on a shirt and the one in my heart and right now, it doesn’t seem to be leading me anywhere.

I hope I see the way clearly soon…

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