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Archive for the tag “confusion”

Breakthrough or Breakup?

For some reason, I have been blessed and cursed with the ability to feel absolutely tortured when something in my life is not working right.

I guess that mechanism forces me to change my lot in life and get something better. It forces me not to settle.

This holiday season was a good one for me. I purchased a brand new car that I really love, I got to spend a lot of time with family and friends and it was a very good feeling. This year, I didn’t concentrate so much on the giving and receiving of gifts, it was just simple.

Actually life back home seemed super simple. It was nice to be off and still get paid, do things like go with my dad to get his eyes checked after seven dang years and get new glasses. It was nice to wake up to hot tea on my nightstand, lovingly prepared by my mom.

Having some of my closest friends less than five minutes away and running out for lunch or dinner or to go shopping was just fantastic.

So as I knew it would happen, coming back to my single life was going to be an adjustment.

I have friends here, and they are great. There’s work. And that’s another ball of wax. There’s my horrible love life, which may or may not have taken a turn for the better after having it out with old boy yesterday.

We had a discussion that wore me out. There’s a strange part of me that enjoyed the fact that he was taking the time to think and argue. There was another part of me that said, why do I keep wanting to deal with men who do this? They tend to make me question myself but usually it ends up making me feel insecure.

But let me back it up.

My vacation brain is so bad, I can’t remember the nick name I gave him. But this was the mad scientist.

Over the weekend, I sent him a text we chatted back and forth. I asked him what he was up to, he said he was chillin and barely getting out of bed. I asked him if he wanted to do something that day. Hours later he gets back to me, but wants to hang out at Friday’s by my house at 11 p.m.

Back to this late night crap. I was reluctant, but since I had already been accused of being inflexible by another jerk, I said I’d let it go.

When I sent a text to confirm around 1040, he said he was still wrapping things up and needed another hour.

I was heated. I wasn’t about to go to Friday’s at midnight. I was already feeling some kind of way about us never hanging out in daylight hours. So I told him no thanks. I was staying home.

He asked me why and I told him that I don’t like feeling like he only wants to hang out with me late at night. And that already asking me to go out at 11, when he had all day to do something with me was wrong. It was even more inconsiderate to ask me to wait another hour after I agreed to 11.

Then he sends me a screenshot from a relative from much earlier in the day saying that his great uncle died.

I told him that I was sorry to hear about the uncle and that I didn’t know.

He says nevermind. Cool and enjoy your night.

At that point I went off. I felt like I shouldn’t have been just shut down, regardless of the dead great uncle.

And then I heard nothing.

The next day I got a phone call and on the other end he said he had a prepared statement.

I was already not up for hearing a “prepared statement.” He said before he shared his statement, he did want me to clarify the things in my texts so his statement would still be accurate. But he said I could speak on anything I said besides the always wanting to hang out late thing.

I protested that it was all linked together.

I told him that aside from his constant joking around I know nothing about him. And maybe I didn’t ask enough questions. But I feel like I know nothing and am not allowed to know anything.

That is the nutshell.

He first goes on to say that all of this is really, really simple and I’m making it complicated. He says he doesn’t just let anyone in his home.

He said he would answer any question I’d ask him, I’d just have to ask. If I want to know more about him, ask.

He said that dating in DC has gotten to me, and that he won’t follow some script that people have been making up in this dating world. It’s not that complicated.

He asked me why I was single. I mentioned timing.  I mentioned not settling. I mentioned feeling like I don’t fit into how other people think in the dating world right now and I feel like a complete outcast for it. How I’m accused of being a prude because I don’t want to send naked photos of myself, or if I tell a man it’s not cool to send me photos or videos of his junk. It’s exhausting, I said. I was nearly in tears. And when I finished, he told me my answer was four minutes long.

I was starting to get mad again that he timed my response. “You timed my response? Wow. Thanks.”

Then he said, “Ask me why I’m single.”

I said, “Why are you single?”

“Because the people I like don’t like me and the people who like me I don’t like.”

I said, “That’s it.”

He said, “That’s it.”

I said, “Did it ever occur to you that the people who don’t like you are wack or shallow or stupid?”

“That’s not my problem.”

“Well, what’s wrong with the people you don’t like?”

“They don’t have a degree, they have kids, they have a flat butt, they have bad breath, I don’t like their hair.”

“Well damn. I mean I guess if I laid out my list of what I don’t like it would sound that bad too.”

“Why do you think it’s a bad thing that you don’t think like everyone else? Why can’t that be an advantage? From the way you are talking, it doesn’t even seem like you see it as an advantage.”

“I don’t necessarily think it’s a bad thing, I just feel like I’m outnumbered.”

More discussion was had. He brought up interesting points that I didn’t disagree with. But when it was my turn to answer, I stumbled. I said, “It’s hard to even say how I feel about something because after you’ve given a full prepared statement and dissertation about why what you are saying is right, it’s like I stumble through my words, I sound stupid.”

“It’s not that complicated. Why are you afraid to sound stupid? Why do you think what you have to say is stupid in comparison to what I’m saying? The problem with people especially in this area is pride. You keep talking about wanting to figure me out. I’m a scientist, once I’ve figured something out, I’ve assigned a use for it and I’m done, I’m on to the next thing. Why do you want to be figured out? Why would you want someone to just figure you out? You can’t have possibly figured out your family and your friends and you’ve known them for a really long time. We are flawed, you have great traits and bad traits. It’s a good thing to still be intriguing. If I can figure you out, I have no use for you. You will bore me. That’s a bad thing.”

So I’m stuck. I’m not sure how to feel right now. Was that a compliment?





The Devil Listens Too

A long time ago, the old folks in church often liked to say, “When you pray to God, the Devil listens too.”

Last night, I prayed for my love life. I’ve started to do that more. For some reason, I never did. I always prayed for good health and peace of mind for my family and loved ones, prosperity, favor at work, but for some reason, I left God out of my love life.

So, last night, I prayed for a partner who was serious about loving me and protecting me and sharing his life with me.

Apparently, like an annoying little sibling, the Devil was on the kitchen phone (I know, I used to eavesdrop on my older sister).

I wake up late today, and I wake up to a good morning text from, none other than “Kyle Barker”.

You all know him. The suave, good-looking, intelligent man who rocks my world, but makes me a mess. Per the usual, we had a drag out some time last year and haven’t spoken for several months. I had said enough was enough.

But the other part to this that makes it so odd, is I thought about him as recently as yesterday.

A friend mentioned a few days that I should just hook up with him and rid myself of this serious lusty itch, I’ve got going on.

I said I couldn’t lower myself to call. I had too much pride and last year, I had nearly made it an entire year, without having sex. I owed it to myself to be strong. He wasn’t really worth it.

I had to hold myself accountable.

A simple good morning, and I was swirling. Questions, all over my head. What do I say? How do I respond. Be cool, ice-cold.

I said I was surprised to hear from him and that I thought of him just the other day.

To which, he replied he hoped I thought good things and that he was changing his number.

To which, I replied, my thoughts were good enough, however, when it came to him, the lines of good and bad often mingle and become murky. Then I told him I hoped all was well with him.

Then he threw down the gauntlet, said he missed me.

I would have been ok, but why did he say that?

I asked my best male friend what the deal was and if he was lying. My boy says he’s lying.

I know God works fast, but He isn’t the author of confusion.

He wouldn’t have me be with someone incapable of protecting me and my heart and this person has been careless in the past. This person has always confused me if nothing else. This person never really actively pursued me in the way I now realize a man should.

So maybe today’s text exchange was a test of sorts, to see just how much I’ve grown. If I can think for myself and be strong enough not get caught up in someone who always made me feel so weak.

I won’t blame the Devil, this time.

Either way, it’s going to be on me.

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