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Archive for the tag “Calling in the one”

Don’t Say What You Won’t Do

R and B crooner Jon B. came out with a song back in the early 2000s called, “Don’t Say.”

“Don’t say, what you won’t do. You know you’ll be the first one, to go on through.”

Now this song is actually about a girl that’s doing a man wrong, but I do like the original line for today’s post, “don’t say what you won’t do.”

I’ve always said, I do not want to date men from NY, especially black men from Long Island or NYC. Said this for years. I particularly have a lot of venom for black men on Long Island who seem to be disgusted by black women and don’t deem us good enough for whatever reasons they have.

I’ve also said, I didn’t want to date cops or active military men, because I would be constantly fearful for their lives and going nuts that they’d make me a young widow and have me acting like ol girl from “Silver Linings Playbook.”

I’ve also sworn off Caribbean and African men.

My friends have threatened me not to date any more men long distance. Like they’ve threatened. Some have said, they would travel across the world and country to stop me from dating long distance.

And they all laughed their asses off when me and Officer Cutie had a wonderful date and I had that sound in my voice when I talk about guys I like. It gets all high and sing-songy. So annoying.

Oh Katherine Woodward Thomas of “Calling in the One.”

You got me trippin right now. Oh, Katherine. When you said in your book to open up and not place barriers on who it is you date, and how your husband ended up being of another race your mother told you not to date, I had a panic moment.

Officer Cutie is a Caribbean man, from NYC, and clearly from his name, a police officer on a really dangerous beat.

So here’s what had me all messed up today.

Officer Cutie is a quiet guy, but when he speaks, you really want to pay attention. Today was no different. I perked up when he told me he had a question.

But let’s back up. Yesterday, we did talk about him coming to visit in the next couple of weeks and we were trying to decide on what’s an appropriate length of a visit since this is so new. I said he should come for a day, but I wouldn’t be surprised if things go well it should just be a weekend. But we should just see how it goes.

Back to fairly recent o clock today.

He basically asked me if I’d ever be willing to move back to NY.

I told him I really liked the DC area and that I would need a really good reason and an equally awesome job for me to move back to the Empire State. However, as I’ve said to tons of friends and as my life experience has indicated, I could end up anywhere, so I won’t say never. But I don’t really see it.

I asked him why he wanted to know and if he was trying to figure out if it was worth it to continue talking to me.

This dude:

“I ask because I was wondering if I ever had a chance of making you my girl and if things keep going well, and they kept going well, would you come back to NY to try to make it work?”

I lost my breath for a moment. Felt temporarily claustrophobic, but then relaxed. For the next few moments I was fixated on the words “making you my girl” and I smiled.

Then I went back to panic.

Yall know my story. Me falling in love with a man, getting engaged, planning to move to Chicago and even getting the green light from work to set up a home office there. The engagement falling apart, and me being devastated and embarrassed and the two years of darkness.

I had to come clean with Officer Cutie.

That I was a serial long distance dater and that my last relationship was a whopper. It wasn’t just a relationship, I was about to get married, then I wasn’t anymore.

I told him my story and braced for the worst. Who would want to deal with that? At least I warned him. It’s his own funeral.

He simply said NY and Chicago were different, that I had family in NY and that he would never ask someone to marry him and back out. If he was asking, he was intending to do it.

NY was different. There are a million ways to get to NY from the DC area, inexpensive buses, the whole nine. A long distance relationship in the Big Apple would not be the same logistical nightmare.

So I told him I thought it was important for him to have all of the information so he could make an informed decision about dealing with me. Then I added that the relationship ended in 2011 and that after a lot of soul-searching, I’m not bitter and crazy. I joked that I dropped a lot on him.

He then disclosed that he’s also been single since 2011 and has dated a lot since then, however I was the first one he could actually see himself with. Even though we only had one date, he really liked my personality and he believes we have chemistry.

At that point you could have really knocked me down with a feather. “I can actually see myself with you” also rang in my head.

A man, is straight up saying, “I can actually see myself with you.” The man is also asking questions to see how feasible this situation could be, but didn’t seem stalkerish or pressed, but open to seeing how things progress. But he wanted to at least see where my head was at before proceeding.

I really can’t be mad at that.

I’m trying to find the part of me that is supposed to say this is all a bad idea.

But I’m struggling to.

And that folks, concerns me.

“Don’t say what you won’t do…” “Making you my girl…” “I can actually see myself with you…” “Never say never.”

Oh brother…

 

 

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On Seeing Myself and Other Revelations

So many things are going on in my heart and mind right now, it’s kind of nuts.

I’m inspired by how kick-ass Lancelot is, and I’m inspired by the book I’ve been talking to you folks about, “Calling in the One.”

There is a section in the book that talks about being a better you and basically having things going for yourself so it’s a lot easier for someone who has their stuff together can enter your life and you can both go do great things together.

The book, and Lancelot’s passion and risk-taking abilities speak to something I’ve known about myself all along but have kind of suppressed the last couple of years, because I’ve been in survival mode.

I do enjoy doing things that I feel are meaningful and that will help others and will allow me to be creative.

Somewhere along the way, I got lost in the sauce. And even with a new management position now, for which I am grateful, I have gotten further and further away from my passion as a writer and a reporter. I no longer professionally identify as such.

I still consider myself a journalist and editor, but I work in the digital space, with online content, primarily. I enjoy supporting my team, teaching them things and watching them grow. But, I can only take them so far, because in this world, I’ve only gotten so far myself and have been struggling with what to do next with this company way long ago.

Something tugged on my heart to go to volunteermatch.com yesterday. And there are times I have these moments. I feel inspired, I want to give back, but I search the site and either the times are bad or locations for the things I’m interested in.

I did something different with my search and put in writer as the keyword. There were few choices that popped up, but one did and it was awesome. It was for a writing coach to help low income kids prepare their college applications and scholarship essays.

I was all over it. I applied yesterday, got correspondence from the organization right away, and as of this morning, I passed the background check. I will be participating in an intense four-day program at a local university, working with a group of 4 to 6 kids, getting them ready.

Then I realized the personal mission I wrote down like three weeks ago. Connecting people to opportunities!! Yes, I am already embarking on that journey! I felt and still feel so good.

Yes, I will be taking two vacation days to do this, but I really want to. It’s important to me.

“Calling in the One” made me think about the connection to feeling good about myself, working on my purpose outside of potential romantic relationships.

I want Lancelot to be proud of me. I want to be his equal. I’ll never know how to do the crazy information technology stuff he does, but I know how to write my ass off. I know how to sit down and talk to people, ask them questions and have them share with me and feel safe. I know how to encourage people and cheer them on and remind them of the greatness they have inside them.

I want to do more of those things.

I find so much joy in talking to my mentee. I decided today to not just talk to her about her goals, but talk about the process of creativity and inspiration. So I shared with her my favorite books that spoke to me and or changed my life forever. Then I asked her to tell me what her favorite books are music are. We could take a short break from prepping our proposal to the local newspaper for an internship for a moment.

I look forward to her response.

It’s becoming clearer to me that I want to transition into working with young people and helping them gain access to opportunities. I don’t think I want to be a teacher, but I want to help them discover their talents and build a plan to help them utilize it and find a way to make a living out of it.

Seems like a lofty goal and I guess it does sound like a teacher or a guidance counselor. But I don’t want to be bogged down in the administrative nightmare of working in public schools. And I don’t want suckie pay. But, if I end up happily, ever after with Lancelot, maybe I’d have a little breathing room to do something without thinking about my rent all of the time…Can’t bank on that, but I’m just saying…

So what’s out there for someone like me? How can I blend my talents as a professional communicator with helping young people and get paid and not starve?

What masters degree could I get? What organization could I build or start?

Even with the tee shirt business, where the grand vision also included a women’s lifestyle website with articles and eventually empowerment conferences… I’ve been more motivated.

Trying to build the website on my own, I’m realizing has been holding me back and making me nuts. Just to get going, I may just buckle down and pay money for a simple site and finally get started. Just because the website I was building was free, it’s costing me more time and frustration. Sometimes you just have to jump out there.

Lancelot has shown me that, and so has “Calling in the One.” The book is gangsta. So I’m working on me. The better version of me. The version that seems to be gravitating toward working with young people and helping them reach their dreams.

One of the organizers from the event I spoke at a few weeks ago sent me some photos. Most of them were taken unaware, and seriously aside from me being dissappointed with my weight, I looked really happy. I looked comfortable doing what I was doing.

I saw myself.

I really saw the heart of who I am, in a photograph of me holding a microphone, sitting in a circle of young women, sharing with them.

It moved me.

One of my close friends saw it and said, “Just look at how those girls are looking at you.”

That was cool, if it was a look of interest and admiration, but I was more interested and fixated on what was radiating out of me. It was natural and it was the best of myself.

I had the same feeling looking at that picture, as I did in a photo of me from years ago, when I stood outside of the White House, arms folded, rocking a fabulous suit, with press credentials around my neck.

I feel my life shifting into something I’ve never expected and I embrace that. I’m happy to find myself being filled with purpose again.

I Am Your Husband

I’ve been reading an awesome book called, “Calling in the One.”

There are a number of exercises that they ask you to do. One is very, very interesting to me.

You have to write a letter to yourself as your lover/future husband/soulmate, etc.

You write the things you want that person to say to you and about you. Then, you actually read it.

So I’ma put my business in the street and write my letter right here, on the blog.

To my dearest one,

I know you’ve been waiting for me. You’ve been through a lot. You’ve been hurt, you’ve been disappointed.

It’s taken me so long to find you, because I knew you always existed and because I knew how smart, and beautiful and driven, kind and caring you would be, I also knew I had a lot of work to do before I could even enter your life.

I had to get ready. Woman, you don’t play. You intimidate the weak brothas and if I stepped to you wrong, I’d go running with my tail between my legs. You will crush my soul with the heel of your pumps.

So I’ve been preparing. I’ve been praying. I’ve been working out. I actually just got a promotion at a job I really enjoy.  I’ve been getting my finances in order because you love eating out, you love the theater, but more than that, you really love stability. So I want to give you all of those things and your annual vacation, and if you were short and had a car repair emergency, it’s nothing for me to help you out.

I love to hear you laugh, so I get my Kevin Hart on to hear that cackle. Sometimes you snort and I think it’s cute, especially when you’ve noticed I noticed.

I love to sit with you on the couch and massage your scalp, while you tell me about your day.

I calm you down when you get upset. You actually sneak off to your car at lunch to call me, and I answer. I’m busy too, but even if it’s for three minutes, I make time for you then remind you I have to get back to work to maintain our beautiful life together.

By no means am I perfect. Sometimes I don’t make sense, or sometimes I need attention too, or time to think or hang out with my friends, but I make sure that you know you are the priority in my life.

We pray together. Not just over our meals, but when we are worried, or even just to give God thanks, we take some time out.

I love my family and I’m supportive of them, I’m there for my friends.

You are my best friend.

We can be very focused, serious people, but we get so silly together. It’s one of the things I love most about you.

I love pleasing you in all ways, especially in the bedroom. You a freak girl. Love that, but you’re so classy too.

You are beautiful without your glasses, but you’re darn cute when you wear them.

I love your hair no matter how you wear it. I love how it smells and how soft it is.

You have the most awesome butt. Really, I tried to put a shot glass on it once and you caught me. Then you actually balanced it on there. See, this is why we get along.

But don’t get it twisted. You can be crazy. I mean all passive aggressive, non-confrontational, moody. You over think things and second guess, but I can deal with it.

You don’t scare me.

You give me the gift of learning how to listen and how to be patient.

I can’t read your mind, baby, but I know how to read your mood. I like to think, I’m pretty good at it.

You know how to act at any function at any place. You can hang out at the rib joint on MLK, and you can rub elbows with politicians. I love your writing.

I don’t love when you write about me in your blog…

I hate when you correct my spelling in texts. It’s a text, woman! You know I know how to spell. I was rushing. Emails, correct me. I don’t want to look ignorant.

I appreciate all of your gifts.

I understand your family. And the situation with your mom, it’s really ok. I love you more for being so strong.

You teach me everyday how to be a better man. And besides being with you, a better man is all I ever want to be.

Watching you grow as a woman, as an artist, as a mother, as my life partner. It gives me joy.

I’m proud of you.

I just look at you sometimes in awe. I feel lucky and blessed to be responsible for your heart.

I take it seriously.

I’m excited to wake up everyday next to you (and that dragon in your mouth–sorry babe–it’s true :)), because it means I’ve got another chance to love you even more.

Love, your man.

Heart, Head, Gut. Do All Three Have An Equal Vote?

I am befuddled.

I really am. I just had an excellent weekend with an older cousin, who I admire soo much. I consult with her about all sorts of things and she gives such great and honest advice.

Spending time with her was just wonderful. Our in-depth conversations, especially about relationships really got me thinking. I was thinking about my patterns, I was thinking about how far I’ve come and the times I felt real love.

I’ve been thinking about what I’m trying to do now with boo thang and my friends have already been calling the time of death, while I’ve been hanging on.

I’ve been seeing things that I’m not a fan of, but as one friend pointed out, I’m holding on to prove to myself that I can do a local relationship.

Valentine’s dinner was ok.

I keep thinking how awesome I felt when I really cared about some one that I’d been seeing regularly for four months.

I shouldn’t be this blah.

There are some major differences in our previous dating pools, and I think he’s dated women with no self esteem or women pretending to be modern and independent and just getting it all wrong. We had to discuss why I felt it’s important that I be picked up and not asked to meet him everywhere.

According to him, that’s how women (in their 20s) are doing it now. They want the freedom to leave when they please, or if they want to go someplace else after.

To me, that makes no sense. My goal on a date is to have such a good time, we may want to find another place to go after to keep on talking. I’m not thinking about the next thing with other people or with my friends.

Who are these women?

What makes me feel particularly odd is I told my cousin, I’ve let a lot of good men go for various reasons.

All of the good men I let go, I was never ready to be with them. I was always coming directly off of a break up. I was always all over the place.

They seemed to be steady. They seemed to know what they wanted, but I didn’t.

My cousin told me to really look at why I wasn’t ready for these men who I knew were good men. Why it seemed I wasn’t ready.

Then, there’s a book I’ve been reading, recommended to me by a fellow blogger Ms. Shoesoverbooze. It’s called “Calling In the One.”

The author said, the love of her life tried to get at her like three times and she turned him down over and over. He was nothing like what she thought her man was supposed to be.

She said we have to close our eyes, and envision how we want our future partner to make us feel. Don’t think about what they look like, what they have. Just start there. If you know what that feeling is, then it’s going to be easier to connect.

She talks about opening yourself up and doing things to prepare for love. All very interesting stuff.

Like clockwork, I was sitting with my cousin and one of the good ones I let go sent me a text to just say hello.

I reminded her of the back story. He had a lot of the qualities I was looking for.

Smart

Kind

Family oriented

Employed (Owns own business)

Beautiful home

Never married

No Kids

Not too old

Not too young

Cooks

Cleans

Loves his mother

Had a good example of marriage through his highly devoted grandparents

Has religious/spiritual background

Travels

Funny

Great to talk to

Respectful

Long ass list right? What was my problem?

I was still hung up on my ex.

I was hung up on the fact that he was a bit overweight.

He was very pushy in his pursuit of me, which made me uncomfortable. If I gave him an inch, he tried to take six miles.

After exchanging niceties, he informed me that he lost 12 pounds.

My cousin gave me a grin and said, “Hey, you may want to go out if he asks you.”

This person scares me.

This person scares me, because from jump he was intent on winning my affections. He went hard.

I have been dating people who have not gone as hard.

He made his intentions clear.

He said things like, “Be comfortable. This is your house.”

He wanted to show me off to his friends, and I reacted not so great. I felt ambushed.

I wasn’t ready.

But he kept keeping in touch every couple of months. Nothing long and drawn out, just a hello, or a Merry Christmas.

He’d go in for a kiss, and I just wouldn’t feel it.

Then there was the night he made me cry.

He made me cry on my way home because his kindness embarrassed me. It exposed my faults. It was hard to handle.

This is what happened and I may have shared this story before. I was visiting him, it was getting late, he always fills my wine glass too many times. He did not want me to drive home.

He invited me to stay.

I said I was fine.

He insisted and said I could use any of the guest rooms.

I said, I’m not going upstairs, I’ll stay on the couch.

I fell asleep and at some ungodly hour I woke up and stirred a bit to turn over.

There was a lump at the foot of the couch just below me.

He laid out blankets and pillows and slept down there.

I woke him and told him to get up.

He told me if I was going to be stubborn and sleep down there, that he didn’t feel right with me sleeping down there alone.

Then he said we should go get breakfast.

I said I was going home.

I cried and cried because I felt that gesture was beautiful and respectful and I hadn’t gotten that kind of gesture in a long time.

I was crying because I couldn’t accept what he was giving me and I knew it.

I don’t know why he keeps checking on me.

I don’t know if I tried with him again, with less baggage, would I still have the same physical hangup?

What if I tried only to realize I was right the first time? Is it fair to put him through that again? Am I feeling myself for thinking this man is somewhere pining for me?

Where is the line between settling or going for what seems like a home run on my list of wants and needs?

I know what I need and there’s a part of me that knows that person can give it to me and would put in effort in doing so. But what about me? These temporary relationships, I feel like I’ve been doing a better job at giving, but there isn’t a zeal behind it that I had when I was truly in love.

But what am I really doing right now?

Four months in… and I’m pretty sure four months now I won’t be saying, “I love you.”

The current situation I’m in isn’t the blissful first four months that I’m used to. I usually can’t get enough of the person, and there are days where I’m actually cool with not talking. I don’t go out of my way, and I feel like he doesn’t either.

We’re just two nice people, who are too nice to say we ain’t it.

I’ve been wanting to go out on dates and cuddle and get some, and none of those things are really happening with real regularity.

But then I ask myself are my expectations for local relationships too high.

Is that all there is?

Heart. Head. Gut. Cousins. Friends. Books. I’m not sure who to listen to right now.

But there’s a part of me curious about the nice guy who won’t go away…

You read this blog.

I’ve been wrong so many times.

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