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Love and Caution

Some folks say that they fall in love too easily.
I’ve never had that problem.
In fact, I’m usually not the first to say I love you.
I warn anyone in danger of loving me not to be offended if I don’t say it first, but know when I do say it, I mean it.
There was only one time, I was fighting myself not to let it slip from my lips, and that was in my last relationship. I waited to let him say it first, so I can say it back.
Anyone who falls in love with me too quickly, I look at them with a side-eye. I just have to. I have difficulty believing them. I also feel like folks who are quick to fall, are just as quick to hate you. I’ve seen that happen too. A recent guy went from wanting to tell his mother about me, future children and thanking God for me on Facebook, to being hurtful and saying he had to take me in small doses, or calling me indignant because I dared to speak my mind. So there’s another side.
I don’t have self-esteem nor do I think not I’m lovable, however, if you’re too quick to pull the love trigger, you worry me as a potential love. It makes me think you don’t put a lot of thought into things and are too emotionally driven and that scares me.
So I think I’ve decided that I need to be with a person who is cool with the pace in which I fall in love and won’t see my need for caution and time as an insult.
Because once I’m there, there’s no turning back. I’ve made the conscious decision to be all in. Hurrah. You’ve got me.
I have difficulty with people who want me to speed up that process, or believe that the pace in which I fall for someone is in direct correlation with how I feel about them.
Should it take me years to fall in love? No, I don’t think so.
Is it measured in hours or months or a specific number of dates? No. It isn’t.
What makes me fall in love with a person is a series of moments in which both people are vulnerable, honest and where I’ve felt completely safe and like myself.
Moments of truth, moments of unbridled silliness, confiding in each other, that means something to me. Those moments help my feelings grow. In my opinion, cultivating intimacy does take time. And when those moments start adding up, then that’s when I feel like I could be falling and I allow myself to.
The quickest way to scare me off is to go into instant couple mode. This means introducing me to family and friends or any people you consider important without telling me or giving me a warning.
There’s nothing more uncomfortable than people gushing about what a great couple you are, before you’ve even declared yourself a couple. It’s also very uncomfortable when people really start asking about your future together when you don’t know. Sir, ma’am, I don’t know if I’m going to be talking to this person next week… and my date has only himself to blame.
So I don’t like folks jumping the gun and ambushing me like that.
Those are just more disappointed people if it doesn’t work out. I’m clearly the bad guy. Because here was this guy so proud of me and saying how great I am, and here I am like, he’s cool. It’s still early. I’ve found friends and family don’t want to hear that.
I’m also very private. I want us to enjoy our bubble for as long as we can before we let outsiders remotely close. We’re getting us together, our message, our pace and stride together as a couple. Once again everyone understanding pacing helps the message you convey to the public and all those people you want me to meet. You pull the trigger too soon and someone asks me the wrong question, everyone will feel awkward.
Don’t make too many plans including me too far in advance. Take things one at a time. Besides, I may have already made my own plans that I could have prepaid for, now you’re looking crazy. Or we could have some epic fight in which I ether you and we never speak again.
I’m methodical about entering relationships. I will weigh the pros and cons and read all kinds of articles and take quizzes and look at astrological signs and listening to my inner voice.
So should we go aimlessly into the dark for an infinite amount of time? No. I don’t want anyone to feel like they are wasting time, yet, I can’t operate so quickly, that I’m not considering my doubts or instincts about a person.

One friend thinks I truly haven’t let go of the past.

I’m not worried about the past. Am I affected by it? Yes, certainly. The future, however, has me in knots. Making decisions that involve other people and their feelings if I’m not all in? That concerns me. I feel responsible for that.

I’ve also found out a few other things about myself. I’m uncomfortable if a man spends a lot of money on me. And I value my freedom and independence over everything, way more than I ever realized.

I’ve spent the last four years fighting with myself, fighting for myself, loving myself out of darkness making life changes for myself. It’s been about me. Giving myself over to a man or a family freaks me out. It makes me question everything about the natural next step of partnering up. The pressure to choose the right man who understands that… and coming to the realization that there might not be a man who does, that’s when the claustrophobia sets in.

I’ve been asked over and over what I want. By so many people. It’s been easy to say I don’t know. And it’s lazy.

What I ultimately want is a great, healthy, relationship where I know it feels right in my spirit and where I don’t feel trapped, or that I lost myself or I settled out of some awful fear. I want a love that feels like freedom, that embraces my independent spirit and somehow it works.

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3 thoughts on “Love and Caution

  1. I love this entry, simply put because you sound exactly like my girlfriend, but im the step ahead of what you want.

    To get what you want out of it, you need to take a chance in trust someone to understand you.

    Me: I fall fast and hard, but because I believe in my grandparents generation of love. See each other, be in love, spend ever day after it making it work. It’s easy to think of movies or tales you may have heard from your family. It sounds so simple and life isn’t that at all, but if you are lucky enough to find someone that truly understands your level and pace of “falling” then you will be just fine.

    Will I ever say that will be the next person in line? Hell no. But I will say is, you need to let the wall down for giving that person chance regardless on their stance.

    I’ve already dropped the love bomb early on. She still has not. But she also doesn’t question what I’ve said, and I don’t question why she hasn’t said it yet, or hold it against her in any way.

    I truly believe people fall at different times for different reasons. You obviously have you hear on your shoulders and love yourself and love the life you lead. Just remember, there is a difference in settling in, and settling. A lot of people mistake the two and end relationships based on that. Not sure if that enters your mind with the independance subject, but food for thought.

    You are right thought in still wanting all that, but for the right person, you will want to blend that passion with them into your life (not every second/time, but some or more often I should say). It should come natural to you, and if it doesn’t, you will need to question if it is really them that is asking too much, or you not giving your half of the effort.

    As for my situation, my girlfriend has met my folks, and ive made sure at every turn that she was comfortable enough, and luckily enough the response is a sweet yes. Hopefully you meet someone that makes you want to push your own limits in that way, all the while respecting what and when you feel what you do 🙂

    • Thank you so much for reading and enjoying the post. You’ve made me hopeful that someone can love and be patient with self-described difficult people!! I think that you bring up some very valid points and you’re right. Deep down I know that when the right situation comes along it will be right, but I also have to play my part too and not cling to fear because that’s familiar. I wish you and your girlfriend the very best of luck!!! You two sound like a lovely couple!!!

      • That’s very sweet of you to say! Thank you!

        I’ve had a few failed relationships that have fallen through because of the differences and “time line” of falling. I know I took part in it, but why should I hold back if I have a lot to offer. Why should they have to give in or lie to make it work. Just be honest with who ever you end up with and just keep saying ” this is going good and some day we will meet in the middle.

        I may say I love you too my gf already, but I’m not upset when she doesn’t back. I’m more excited to earn her heart and the day she does say it, will be an incredible and truthful one

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