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Why I Like “He Don’t Exist”

I like a song by R and B singer Jahiem called, “He don’t exist.”

I think it perfectly and realistically states the very thing that women don’t really want to hear, nor do most want to believe. That we keep waiting and waiting for the perfect guy but he doesn’t exist.

There’s no such thing as the perfect person.

Some folks think it’s odd that I like it so much, or that I agree with it. Actually, the song has been helping me mourn the loss of the perfect man I keep hoping to find. I think once you come to the conclusion that the man you think you are supposed to be with will be nothing like you imagined, and actually mourn and grieve that loss, you’ll be better off.

Yes, I’m grieving the fact that I’m not going to get the good-looking, gainfully employed, never married, childless, intellectual, spiritual, artsy, passionate man who can read my mind and be on call to listen when I rant, give me a hug when I need one and put down some epic loving in the bedroom and will bring me a glass of water and wipe me down with a moist, warm towel after the deed is done. Ok, that was a long list. But I do think it’s more healthy to grieve and mourn this loss and move on to acceptance, than to keep thinking he’s one more bad date or awful relationship away.

I’m not telling anyone to settle. But when you think about the fantasy of the person you made up in your head, or that fake person you keep comparing everyone else to who, can’t compare, you are doing yourself and anyone who wants to care about you a major disservice.

So that’s why I like “He don’t exist.” Jahiem basically says, the perfect man doesn’t exist. However, love can be what you make it with the willing mortal offering up their heart to you.

I told a friend that at this point I have a better chance of getting a Ph.d in the next 10 years than getting married.

Sometimes I wonder if I am mature enough to be married. Yup, I’ve said it.

Because at this point, I’ve really been concentrating on me and my feelings. I’ve admittedly said that I don’t have the time or energy to fix anyone or constantly be a motivational speaker, that I need my man to be an emotional self-starter and also be able to pick me up when I need it.

A friend of mine asked me very seriously, “Isn’t that what marriage is?”

Well that was a slap in the face. I hold marriage in high esteem. But marriage is really about imperfect people just trying to make it through life together, supporting each other.

Oddly enough, I feel like I can accept the flaws and forgive my friends like nobody’s business, but when it comes to men, I have the toughest time really accepting them. I give them a much tougher criteria and very high expectations that they have to be secure and confident and be able to be fully supportive of me and all my ups and downs.

It’s very selfish. But these feelings come from me being on the other extreme where I did nothing but give and show support, thinking I can hold it together for the both of us.

So really, what it boils down to is I need someone I can trust and believe will be supportive and loving to me when I need them. I don’t want to be left holding the bag, I don’t want to be the sole person responsible for the happiness, sanity and well-being of myself and the person I’m supposed to be in love with. Whew. That feels better.

Here are the lyrics:

“He Don’t Exist”

Girl I hate to have to be the one to ruin your plans
It’s unrealistic what you’re looking for in a man
I may not be perfect but I can love you perfectly
You know what you want but you don’t know what you need
Go text monogamous, keeps all of our promises
No kiss, I think you wanna share a psychiatrist
Bank account got a figure 6
Bruce Wayne, Clark Kent
The only problem is, he don’t existI think you need the invisible man
So you can never see his flaws and mistakes
Better come get this loving while you can
We’re gonna it the jackpot rail sweet 6
With sentimental friends wanna drive and tell you how you feel
Making you believe there’s something other
And the perfect man you’re waiting for, he don’t exist
Oh, la la la aySorry to shatter your perfect picture of love
This ain’t no movie, ain’t no director, you’re in guard
You gotta stick to the script
You want a fairytale but they just don’t exist
You want a knight in shining armor
Hero that come to save ya
Red cape, baby let me set the record straight
You lose it all
Cause it just don’t

I think you need the invisible man
So you can never see his flaws and mistakes
Better come get this loving while you can
We’re gonna it the jackpot rail sweet 6
With sentimental friends wanna drive and tell you how you feel
Making you believe there’s something other
And the perfect man you’re waiting for, he don’t exist

All that time that you’re spending, looking for happy ending
Babe we can start with that
Subtract all of the baggage and maybe we can manage
A life that equals up to love
We’ll never know the visions up in my position
Baby no need to rush…
Cause he don’t exist

I think you need the invisible man
So you can never see his flaws and mistakes
Better come get this loving while you can
We’re gonna it the jackpot rail sweet 6
With sentimental friends wanna drive and tell you how you feel
Making you believe there’s something other
And the perfect man you’re waiting for, he don’t exist

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3 thoughts on “Why I Like “He Don’t Exist”

  1. You ain’t never lied!

  2. I really believe that you’re not going to get every single thing on your fantasy list out of a relationship (80/20 rule). My husband is nothing like I imagined- shorter, he is rebuilding a career, getting a degree, etc… but I literally THANK GOD that HE didn’t send me what I asked for and sent me what I needed.

    • I’m glad God sent you exactly who you needed to love you the way you need to be loved. That’s the point, isn’t it? We get so caught up in our lists. I know that I do, and that’s a major part of my problem. But I also don’t think that I’d have the same level of doubt and confusion and feeling of settling when the right one comes along either. Ugh.

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