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Avoiding Responsibility

I’m about two weeks away from the end of my second semester of school. And I’m out of gas.

It’s been tough to concentrate.

I couldn’t get out of bed today and I kept telling myself. This would be the weekend I buckle down and complete a massive final project.

But it hasn’t been in my heart. I knew going back to school and working full-time would be hard.

But mentally, physically and everything else, it’s just hard.

It’s a test of your will and your mettle. It’s going to take everything out of you if you are trying your best.

Complaining is an easy thing to do.

I don’t even know how to give up.

I’m already $30,000 deep.

So paying for a degree that I didn’t complete with my own money… yeah. We ain’t doing that.

But I’m tired. I’m unfocused and I find myself easily distracted. All of a sudden the pile of laundry is bothering me, I have a renewed interest in old CDs and I hula hoop with a weighted hoop. Anything not to do what I’m supposed to.

I hate the pressure of feeling like, I’m wasting time only to put more pressure on myself to get everything done at the very last-minute. I know better to be a procrastination. It won’t do me any good. I’m not a full-time student that can just concentrate on school. My free time has to be school time.

But I can’t resist the urge to slack off, to sleep longer, because I need it. I deserve it. And I don’t care. When you are out of gas, out of energy, you don’t care.

But then you go to sleep and dream about your teeth falling out.

You look it up and find out those dreams are linked to anxiety and change.

No kidding.

I know I want to do the things I’m studying. I know this. I actually like the things I’m studying, but I’m tired. I’m all over the place. I’m out of gas. Just two more weeks. So why is this even harder when I’m so close?

I guess that’s the point.

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2 thoughts on “Avoiding Responsibility

  1. Oh wow. The feelings you describe are painfully familiar. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. If it’s any consolation, I wish I had gone to grad school years ago — like when I was your age. I’m 39 now and just don’t have it in me — not to mention I have no extra money and am still paying off my undergrad loans. I think you said it in one of your last paragraphs. You know you’re in the right place and you like what you’re studying but you’re simply tired. That’s understandable. Hang in just a bit longer. Just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you and rooting for you. You can do this!

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