TIME…tick, tick, tick
I was having a conversation with a guy and somehow we got on the topic of rapper Nelly, then we started talking about his relationship with singer/actress Ashanti.
Homeboy says, “Ashanti wasted good years of her life on him. I mean, what if she wants to have kids? Women have to think about those things. You can’t be with somebody for like five years and if the guy isn’t making moves, it’s not even on him anymore. It’s on the woman. She doesn’t have time for that.”
I needed a moment.
First of all, I made him look up Ashanti’s age because I was pretty sure she and I are the same age or pretty close. So, she isn’t old by any means. I pointed out that Ashanti’s eggs are far from drying up, and because she has money, even if she decided to have a child at 40, she would be in a great position to still have a happy, thriving life.
And straight up, if you are busy and career driven, you may want kids, but you may just want the relationship more. You might be happy with the way things are. You may feel like you have time. I’ve already said that if and when I get into a relationship again, I don’t think I want to be engaged at two years even if I’m madly in love. I’m skiddish. I’m nervous. I could probably just be in the relationship for three or four years before getting married this time.
But according to this guy, time isn’t on my side. Especially if I want kids. But that’s the thing. Because I’m so scared of having kids, I need to know I have a solid relationship before I have them. I do not want to do it alone. It is my greatest fear and I’ve had two horrible dreams about being a really awful single mother and in those dreams I was so depressed and unhappy and felt like a failure.
I have some friends who work on the flip side as we get older. They want the kid and if they lose the man or if it doesn’t work out, they want a guy who will be a good father and capable of co-parenting. They say no, it isn’t ideal but they could handle it.
For me, I say nah son. They go hand in hand. I don’t want to co parent. I want a family, a unit if I’m going to bring a child into the world.
“Regular women like me, who won’t be able to afford nannies and have regular jobs, the wear and tear on us having a child at 40 would be really tough.” Personally, unless God has some other plan, I kind of want to close the window at 37 and even that is a stretch. But maybe not really. I’m finishing grad school at 34. Oh boy. Hmm.
It just dawned on me, that I’m going to start a somewhat totally new career at 34 and I made the decision to go back to school because I didn’t have a family to worry about. But I spent my 20s building a career as a journalist and I dated and had boyfriends and in my late 20s a fiancée, but I always felt like I HAD TIME. Hmm.
I know going back to school and switching gears is important to me and it is the right thing to do. But I never thought of it from that angle. I think whatever is going to happen relationship wise is going to happen. And the kid thing, well that’s up in the air. But I did mention to some friends that I’m certainly not anti adoption.
But his thoughts made me wonder about men. And as they get older what they think about fertility. I mean this guy summed it up. “We can still go around and just have kids, but it’s different for yall. And if having children is important to you, you really have to think about it and not have someone waste your time.”
But a few moments later, this same guy says that folks don’t really need to have the “Where is this going?” talk until a year.
So that’s when I balked. He said asking where is this going at three months and even six months is too soon.
I told him right then and there, how you gonna get on Ashanti for being with Nelly for so long in defense of her aging eggs, but then say folks should wait a year before they decide they are really together or exclusive? Nah son.
I was like three months is a volatile time. I said a lot of stuff craps out by then. But if you are consistently on the phone hanging out a couple of times a week and you know you are going to see that person at least once every weekend, you already know you are on your way to something. I think it is important to ask men specific questions because they are counting on loopholes.
I said I like to be clear, because if I’m feeling someone, I’ll say, hey I really like you and I want to be exclusive. I’ve stopped talking to the other guys I talk to because I really like our situation and want to focus on building what we’ve got going on. Do you feel the same way?
So then he started to back pedal. He was saying well it depends on the vibe, every situation isn’t the same.
Surrrre homie. Sure.
So should women in their 30s have a time table for their relationships especially if they want children?