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Breakthrough or Breakup?

For some reason, I have been blessed and cursed with the ability to feel absolutely tortured when something in my life is not working right.

I guess that mechanism forces me to change my lot in life and get something better. It forces me not to settle.

This holiday season was a good one for me. I purchased a brand new car that I really love, I got to spend a lot of time with family and friends and it was a very good feeling. This year, I didn’t concentrate so much on the giving and receiving of gifts, it was just simple.

Actually life back home seemed super simple. It was nice to be off and still get paid, do things like go with my dad to get his eyes checked after seven dang years and get new glasses. It was nice to wake up to hot tea on my nightstand, lovingly prepared by my mom.

Having some of my closest friends less than five minutes away and running out for lunch or dinner or to go shopping was just fantastic.

So as I knew it would happen, coming back to my single life was going to be an adjustment.

I have friends here, and they are great. There’s work. And that’s another ball of wax. There’s my horrible love life, which may or may not have taken a turn for the better after having it out with old boy yesterday.

We had a discussion that wore me out. There’s a strange part of me that enjoyed the fact that he was taking the time to think and argue. There was another part of me that said, why do I keep wanting to deal with men who do this? They tend to make me question myself but usually it ends up making me feel insecure.

But let me back it up.

My vacation brain is so bad, I can’t remember the nick name I gave him. But this was the mad scientist.

Over the weekend, I sent him a text we chatted back and forth. I asked him what he was up to, he said he was chillin and barely getting out of bed. I asked him if he wanted to do something that day. Hours later he gets back to me, but wants to hang out at Friday’s by my house at 11 p.m.

Back to this late night crap. I was reluctant, but since I had already been accused of being inflexible by another jerk, I said I’d let it go.

When I sent a text to confirm around 1040, he said he was still wrapping things up and needed another hour.

I was heated. I wasn’t about to go to Friday’s at midnight. I was already feeling some kind of way about us never hanging out in daylight hours. So I told him no thanks. I was staying home.

He asked me why and I told him that I don’t like feeling like he only wants to hang out with me late at night. And that already asking me to go out at 11, when he had all day to do something with me was wrong. It was even more inconsiderate to ask me to wait another hour after I agreed to 11.

Then he sends me a screenshot from a relative from much earlier in the day saying that his great uncle died.

I told him that I was sorry to hear about the uncle and that I didn’t know.

He says nevermind. Cool and enjoy your night.

At that point I went off. I felt like I shouldn’t have been just shut down, regardless of the dead great uncle.

And then I heard nothing.

The next day I got a phone call and on the other end he said he had a prepared statement.

I was already not up for hearing a “prepared statement.” He said before he shared his statement, he did want me to clarify the things in my texts so his statement would still be accurate. But he said I could speak on anything I said besides the always wanting to hang out late thing.

I protested that it was all linked together.

I told him that aside from his constant joking around I know nothing about him. And maybe I didn’t ask enough questions. But I feel like I know nothing and am not allowed to know anything.

That is the nutshell.

He first goes on to say that all of this is really, really simple and I’m making it complicated. He says he doesn’t just let anyone in his home.

He said he would answer any question I’d ask him, I’d just have to ask. If I want to know more about him, ask.

He said that dating in DC has gotten to me, and that he won’t follow some script that people have been making up in this dating world. It’s not that complicated.

He asked me why I was single. I mentioned timing.  I mentioned not settling. I mentioned feeling like I don’t fit into how other people think in the dating world right now and I feel like a complete outcast for it. How I’m accused of being a prude because I don’t want to send naked photos of myself, or if I tell a man it’s not cool to send me photos or videos of his junk. It’s exhausting, I said. I was nearly in tears. And when I finished, he told me my answer was four minutes long.

I was starting to get mad again that he timed my response. “You timed my response? Wow. Thanks.”

Then he said, “Ask me why I’m single.”

I said, “Why are you single?”

“Because the people I like don’t like me and the people who like me I don’t like.”

I said, “That’s it.”

He said, “That’s it.”

I said, “Did it ever occur to you that the people who don’t like you are wack or shallow or stupid?”

“That’s not my problem.”

“Well, what’s wrong with the people you don’t like?”

“They don’t have a degree, they have kids, they have a flat butt, they have bad breath, I don’t like their hair.”

“Well damn. I mean I guess if I laid out my list of what I don’t like it would sound that bad too.”

“Why do you think it’s a bad thing that you don’t think like everyone else? Why can’t that be an advantage? From the way you are talking, it doesn’t even seem like you see it as an advantage.”

“I don’t necessarily think it’s a bad thing, I just feel like I’m outnumbered.”

More discussion was had. He brought up interesting points that I didn’t disagree with. But when it was my turn to answer, I stumbled. I said, “It’s hard to even say how I feel about something because after you’ve given a full prepared statement and dissertation about why what you are saying is right, it’s like I stumble through my words, I sound stupid.”

“It’s not that complicated. Why are you afraid to sound stupid? Why do you think what you have to say is stupid in comparison to what I’m saying? The problem with people especially in this area is pride. You keep talking about wanting to figure me out. I’m a scientist, once I’ve figured something out, I’ve assigned a use for it and I’m done, I’m on to the next thing. Why do you want to be figured out? Why would you want someone to just figure you out? You can’t have possibly figured out your family and your friends and you’ve known them for a really long time. We are flawed, you have great traits and bad traits. It’s a good thing to still be intriguing. If I can figure you out, I have no use for you. You will bore me. That’s a bad thing.”

So I’m stuck. I’m not sure how to feel right now. Was that a compliment?





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4 thoughts on “Breakthrough or Breakup?

  1. dbaham on said:

    Girl, I’m stuck too! I know that’s not at all helpful, but it’s true LOL

    • C’mon I need help here!!

      Sent from my Galaxy S®III

      • dbaham on said:

        So I’ve thought about this some more, and I think this is one of those situations where you HAVE to go off of your gut feeling — and I think your gut feeling should be based off of his actions. Not his words. His words are kind of confusing (lol), but I’m sure that in your interactions with him, something is consistent. I would suggest going with whatever that consistency is, whether bad or good. And ultimately do what feels right to you.

        Disclaimer — I’m probably the worst person to get dating advice from lol

  2. See that’s the thing. My homeboy read the blog and said this guy should kick rocks and that I deserve better. The only reason why I’m not sending him to kick rocks is for some strange reason, off the jump, I have not sent him to kick rocks.

    I may end up paying dearly for this later, but I need to explore why I haven’t sent him to kick rocks. I need to stop being interested in complicated individuals. And I feel you on the action thing.

    In his mind, merely allowing me in his home, and “knowing what he has” was seemingly a large leap. But, it looks like he isn’t going to chase me, or go out of his way to impress me. Well, he already said he wasn’t going to impress me and that I shouldn’t try to impress him. Ugh.

    I think I will extend my kindness and see how it goes. If he does more, if he meets me halfway, then maybe we will be on to something, if not, then he can kick rocks.

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