Knowing What You Want Simplifies Your Life, The End?
After having a conversation with a dear friend recently, who I had to catch up on my ex-fiance’s visit (I know that was a million years ago (August) she was overseas), exasperated, I told her, while I had the butterflies and feelings were flying from the both of us hither and yon, the dream was over.
Reality set in that he was not serious about even trying to repair our friendship out of whatever fears and issues and excuses he has. “He is unable.”
She burst out into uncontrollable laughter. I had to wait a good five minutes for her to stop cackling and snorting. I guess I sounded just tired of it all. And I was. Over two and a half years of healing is exhausting.
“What did I say? I mean it’s true. He is incapable of giving me what it is I know I need. He just can’t do it. He is unable, therefore, I can’t.”
So, when a dreamy guy I went out on a date with recently and I had a wonderful text conversation about men and women, I found myself stating very clearly what I expect from a man.
I kind of surprised myself with how clear, and honestly simple it was.
Ah, yes. He kicked off the convo by saying that he, like most men are simple.
And I said, eh. I don’t know about that.
So he clarified that most men want simple things from women, like the innate things that women do well.
Once again, I needed him to clarify. Because some things that may be considered traditionally female are not innate in all women. Some things are learned.
But I knew at the root of it all he meant nurturing. I quickly asked another male friend what his answer was, and he also said nurturing.
And by the time I looked at my phone again, dreamboat aka Renniassance (I think that will be his name since he is well versed in the arts and intellectual things) said he was referring to the nurturing nature of women.
Then he turned the question to me about men and women.
I basically said that women do have an innate ability to provide comfort and create safe emotional spaces for their loved ones to enter and be vulnerable and that I found it ridiculously sexy when a man and woman get to a certain point in their relationship where the man can privately be vulnerable with his woman and go back out and face the world.
As for men, I said that men SHOULD have an innate DESIRE to work hard, to be responsible and to do whatever it takes to take care of himself and his family. And he SHOULD follow up with that desire with action, because wanting to do something and doing it are two totally different things. There are a lot of men sitting around, unemployed and wanting to work, but they may have stipulations on where they will work and for what amount of money. There may be men who WANT to support and take care of their children, but they loose steam due to whatever circumstances.
So what separates penis owners from the real men, in my opinion is the desire that is so strong, action is not optional, it’s the law. It’s life. It’s breathing. The kind of man who does what he has to do, even if it’s something he doesn’t want to or feel like doing, because he knows the result of his actions for himself and his family is worth far more than his pride.
He knows the cost of selfishness or laziness is something he and his family cannot afford.
But what sent me into overdrive in the conversation was a point that he made. He agrees men and women should share responsibilities and should be hard workers and that’s not just for men alone.
However, he pointed out that men and women are built physically different to serve certain purposes and it’s a good thing.
“If neither of us lift weights, I’ll still be stronger than you. No matter which wants to feed a child, your body will be more efficient in providing that.”
And in that moment, while I consider myself to align with feminist values, I wasn’t mad at his argument at all.
Earlier in the conversation he asked me if I was simple or complicated.
So approached the answer by saying this.
“If you are lazy and you don’t take the time to really get to know me, I’ll appear complicated. The more you learn, the more eager you are to learn, it will gradually get easier.”
The problem with deciding what we want is winning the war within ourselves between what we know we want and what we think we should want or when it comes to partners adjusting what we know we want because we know that person isn’t it, but trying to make it fit anyway.
Is my ex fine?
If he showed up now, I’d let him hit. I just would.
Is he smart and funny? Sure.
Does he know how to let go and love me properly?
It’s just that simple. The end.
I created the scenarios that IF he did this, or changed that, I could live with it and that it would be enough. People do this all the time to justify the presence of certain people in their lives.
Even saying the words “He is UNABLE” a few times that night gave me more strength and resolve to let it go, the more I said it. Each time the reality of the situation was raining down on me, but I wasn’t crying, I didn’t feel a hole in my heart. I didn’t die and it actually felt good.
So, “He is UNABLE, therefore I CAN’T” has become a mantra for me, an affirmation.
I deserved to be loved the way I need to be loved and that can’t be compromised or changed. I’m built to be loved a certain way, I’m already wired. And as much as I wanted to adjust it depending upon looks, education and money and charm, my wiring requires a certain kind of love whether or not the man has all of my preferences.
I’m not saying be immovable and impossible to date.
But there should be general things that the love of your life should believe in and then actually do, that aligns with what you want and need. Period.