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‘Make Your Own Damn Sandwich’ and Reasons Why We Can’t Surrender to Love

Man, I have been so inspired by a recent article in the New York Post.

This woman’s situation raises so many questions and thoughts and the reaction of some readers also raises thousands more.

I was particularly touched by the story because I totally know the power of sharing and showing love through cooking food for people. It just feels good, you feel good doing it, you feel good seeing and hearing the reaction and seeing a plate picked clean by your loved ones.

A few days ago I made the most awesome turkey wrap ever, and as I ate it, I thought to myself, “I’d love to make this again for my man after we’ve made love. Well, after my post-coital nap, THEN, I’ll make it.

So seeing this article today, had me beside myself in laughter, because while folks were raging on about it, I had a good laugh and I understood.


Long story short, this woman happened to make her a very tasty sandwich one night and he loved it. So she started making him more awesome sandwiches and one day he blurted out that if she made 300, he’d put a ring on it.

So of course, people started tripping off of what was probably originally just a funny in-the-moment comment and began to go in on this dude, for “demanding” she make 300 sandwiches.

Homegirl took it literally and started her quest to 300. She’s somewhere around 127 and counting. I have to say after seeing some photos of these sandwiches, I like men very much, but if she was making those kinds of sandwiches for me everyday, I’d switch teams for a minute to reap the benefits. I kid.

But the sandwiches look original, creative and delicious. I actually want to try some of the recipes myself.

So I read the article from Facebook where a number of black women sounded off. Even in the article this chick is catching a bit of hell.

I’ve mentioned before I believe in feminism and I stand in solidarity with black feminism and all of its nuances and complexities. It’s some other ish, and the people I follow on twitter who are part of the black feminism movement have really educated me and gazillions of others.

Most people agreed aiming for an arbitrary number of sandwiches to get to 300 specifically just to get a ring isn’t a good idea.

And under most circumstances, looking at that idea at face value is ridiculous. What does making a great sandwich over and over have to do with marriage? Isn’t it about love and reciprocity and respect and loyalty and honor and discipline and responsibility and maturity? Yes, yes and yes.

And through this sandwich-making, this woman is actually showing all of those qualities.

If you read the description of their relationship, she says she adores him. She says he cooks amazing things for her (a perfect filet mignon), they travel together and they have been accepted and loved by both families. They live together and seem insanely happy.

So what is making a couple hundred sandwiches?

And trust, if their relationship is solid, and she really loves this man she’s got thousands of sandwiches to go. She’s not going to stop at 300, just because she’s got the ring, or 301, just to be on the safe side.

Love is built on various unselfish acts that we do for one another every single day.

But people can’t see past the sandwich, or the fact this intelligent, attractive woman is taking time from her day to do this.

I guess they want her to cure cancer or something instead.

She’s been called a Stepford Wife and accused of setting women back.

Women who attack other women for consciously wanting to reciprocate love to a man that’s treating them well, is what’s setting women back. REAL TALK.

The majority of women responding in the negative on the Facebook post were black women.

This is part of the reason why we aren’t winning. I’m not going to get on the already beaten and bludgeoned dead horse about why black women– particularly successful black women are single. But these kinds of attitudes contribute.

I’m going to add another layer to this. If you haven’t read the article, the woman featured is African-American and her boo thang is a white man.

So, some black women may be up in arms about this educated, attractive sister making sandwiches to “earn” a ring from a white man (who has clearly shown that he’s probably going to marry her anyway), but already planning “Scandal” parties for next week, making sandwiches for their girls, drooling while a married, white president Fitz, fabulously sexes down the brilliant and gorgeous Olivia Pope.

American black women can be a little touchy about relationships with American white men, due to our horrible history together in this country through sex and slavery.

The venom is misplaced.

I think there’s some hate and jealousy in the mix. This woman is getting what she wants. She wants to be loved, she wants to share her life with someone who appreciates her.

And isn’t that the goal? They share a lovely home together, they travel, he cooks. Like he really cooks. Shiiiit. 300 sandwiches ain’t nothing. If Idris Elba asked a black woman to do it, she’d do it in a heartbeat.

We have parameters on who we love, and a dysfunctional sense that if we consistently do something nice for a man like cook or clean or iron or sew a button, we have demeaned ourselves. We’ve made ourselves lesser.

I’ve told you all the story about my sister bringing my brother-in-law his dinner, on a tray to his man cave. The younger me hated it. And I thought she was being weak and a Stepford. But that was her style of giving love and making him happy and making him feel like the man of his house. I know my brother-in-law to be a very hard worker, often working two jobs to support the family and give them everything they need. He adores my sister and you can feel it the way they laugh and joke and play with each other.

In order to enjoy mature love, both sides have to be vulnerable and show a lot more humility and not be afraid to do so. Many of the black women I know, we want to be in control, we want to know what’s going to happen in the future and we want an established record of good behavior from a man in order for us to completely give ourselves over.

But it seems us expecting love to work that way is not working FOR us. That attitude is working against us. We should be cautious and discerning when we pick our partners. Yes, but we have to trust we’ve done a good enough job in the selection process, that we should want to show love in ways others might see as domestic servitude.

We want men to fix things for us, to get up in the middle of the night with a baseball bat against a potential gun if there is a home invader. We want men to lay down expensive blazers in a puddle and or get rained on so we don’t get our hair wet; we want them to kill bugs and remove critters and dispose of garbage— things that an educated man could scoff at, just as educated women could scoff at cooking and cleaning and declare as things a man can “do his damn self” — but would we do all of those things our damn self, if we had a good man who doesn’t have to do it, but chooses to make us feel safe and loved and appreciated?

It’s something to think about.

If I know that I have a great man who loves me, I want to want to do things he likes for him even if it may inconvenience me from time to time, because I know he’s doing the same for me. I’m not going to keep score and with hold my love or positive loving actions because I’m waiting for him to do something for me that I consider equal or greater to my action. That’s not love.

Soon as I get home from work. Babyface

People hated Cater to You by Destiny’s Child. But basically this is the point of today’s blog. If you grown, you get it.

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6 thoughts on “‘Make Your Own Damn Sandwich’ and Reasons Why We Can’t Surrender to Love

  1. Wow – this post is so timely. I’ve had a few of my friends railing on me recently about a certain guy I’m seeing and asking me things like “what is he doing to prove his worth to you” and saying stuff like “don’t you think you’re doing too much here?” Mind you, I’m not doing anything extravagant, but I’m also not putting up those walls and tests and milestone checks this time around. If I want to see him, damn it – I say it. (Just one example)

    Basically I’m enjoying him and embracing how he makes me feel when I’m with him – safe, secure, open, immensely over the moon happy, warm, and basically that I don’t have to protect my heart from him. But you hear those comments and questions enough and it can start to make you question.

    Well I spent a few hrs talking to a friend of mine who is so extremely happy and blessed in her marriage (they’re that couple that makes you look at them and just go awww – I want that!) today and she was just like, if all those things are true for you, don’t listen to any of that other stuff. She said ppl spend so much time saying what love should look like from all these different perspectives (feminists, pragmatists, etc…) that we forget love isn’t a selfish thing. When you love someone, it isn’t all about I and what has he done for you lately. You want to give into that person. You want to treat them and show your appreciation. We do it with our friends all the time, but it’s all of a sudden a problem when it comes to relationships? That’s just not how it works. Anyway, your post was just more confirmation. (Sorry for the really long comment!!)

  2. Preach! Cater toYou is one of my favs and I cannot wait to cater to my “man”.There I NOTHING wrong with it.

  3. Girl, you gotta do what you gotta do. I just saw a clip of the couple on the Today Show. And the guy basically said he was going to marry her regardless. They are cute. Haters are going to hate. They were clearly on the marriage track anyway. But she did start an interesting conversation among all these “independent women.”

    Very cool. Bet you she’s going to sell the rights and you’ll see Paula Patton starring in 300 Sandwiches in a theatre near you!

    I’m glad my post was a confirmation!!

  4. ERJ, if you got a good one, and a real good one, why not? We all know what it’s like to be in a wack relationship, so why not show love for real if you are fortunate enough to have a good one. Folks are so tit for tat. Real men know how to show love when they know they have a good woman. Period. Sometimes, we read people wrong. That’s why I’m glad I’ve read the Five Love Languages. People give and receive love in different ways and it may be more subtle, so you have to really look at yourself and your partner.

  5. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not SELF-SEEKING…..

    I read some of the backlash of the article and I said many of these women are not married or in fabulous relationships. Love is not selfish. There is something nice about making my husband his favorite cookies. It does not lesson me as a women. It enhances me. I love showing him how much I love him and he reciprocates. This is something I had to learn as I matured. 8 years ago I would have turned my nose up at making a post coital sandwich for my man.

    • And that’s why you have an awesome marriage! It’s give and take and you praise him for the sweet things he does for you big and small! I see you on FB girl! Yeeees, hunny!
      That’s how you do it. All these single women with no man in sight need to stop sucking their teeth and rolling their eyes. You do attract more bees with honey. It doesn’t make you a door mate unless you decide to be one, and you have eyes and ears. You know if a man is not treating you as you should be treated. Most of these women who are so anti just know that deep down, they let themselves be taken advantage of by men who weren’t worth a damn and that shame from that incident is causing them to shut down and have all these regulations and requirements on reciprocity to new men they have barely given a chance.
      You cannot make future relationships pay for the mistakes of the past. You can’t do it.

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