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Itch Don’t Kill My Vibe, the Online Dating Edition

I’ve decided the longer you online date and not take breaks, you will become jaded.

It will get harder and harder to look at any new profile with fresh eyes and have just enough hope that this person could be your everything, that you can get through the conversations and the dates and the false starts.

I’m learning this.

There’s an interesting phenomenon happening where people I may have started conversations with and have dropped off, they are reappearing and actually telling me, “I guess you aren’t feeling me because you never hit me back.” Ugh.

Dabnis is already hinting at being invited over. And I hint back that I’m not ready for him to post up at my house (especially because he lives at home with his parents, I feel like if I start letting him over, he ain’t gonna leave). I invited him to go take a walk with me on Sunday through a beautiful series of gardens.

I was hoping there would be more sparks sparking off, but sometimes the conversation just fell flat and I found myself looking at my shoes. No heat.

Because of what he does for a living, he was able to tell me all of the work it took to keep such a place so well-manicured, or how difficult certain tree branches are to cut, or the difficulty of taming roses with horribly sharp thorns.

Being in such a beautiful place, I could remember with certain people, I could walk around talking and enjoying the beauty of it all for hours and even lay down a blanket and talk about all sorts of things. Surely surrounded by all of this beauty, I would be compelled to return the feelings of this guy who has declared his interest.

I was bored. I tried to focus.

Last night, I asked him what his flaws were.

He said that he can be too nice.

I told him that was a safe answer, a job interview answer like I work too hard, I’m my worst critic.

So I told him I’m impatient. I hold the people in my life to a high standard and when they fall short of it, I’m disappointed. I take it personally because I think so highly of them. But they are human and it isn’t fair. I can be moody and sensitive and really quiet.

He responded that he wouldn’t try to change me and sometimes he can be quiet too, and that even if we didn’t become a couple, he sees us being friends.

So maybe I introduced a dark cloud and rained on his parade a bit with my “real” moment.

If he’s enjoying the newness, I’m messing it up trying to get to and expose the flaws.

I’m killing his vibe. Damn.

Some other guy, who loves to abbreviate everything in texts, hit me up this morning. He said he guessed I wasn’t feeling him. I told him I thought he was attractive but something about him really screams to me he’s slick and full of shit.

So I didn’t say full of shit, but I said slick. So he catches an attitude tells me I didn’t give him a chance and to have a nice day.

I told him he was right and wished him the same.

This is my theory. Insecure, slick men go nuts when you call them out on it. It’s like supposed to be a secret that they only know and you had the nerve to bring it up. You had the nerve to trust your women’s intuition on the front end and not be swayed by their looks or their words.

Frankly, I don’t trust men online who always refer to me as beautiful, or sexy or gorgeous. I don’t trust men who use abbreviations when they contact me or simply ask all the time what you doing or wyd? as a greeting.

It’s not a greeting.

So I decided his angry response was a reaction to my hard-earned ability to feel the bs coming. I just don’t have the energy.

What confuses me are the men who double back if I haven’t stayed in contact and then casually mention I haven’t held up my end of the conversation.

I like being pursued. I just do. I need to know a man is interested, but I guess sometimes I can end up falling all the way back because I don’t want to be the pressed girl.

That’s the situation I’m dealing with in terms of the Candidate. I feel like he’s given me a green light, but he’s slow on the uptake even though he said we’d talk on Facebook. But I guess that’s back to me being impatient.

I’m struggling. I had a long talk with God and I’m just really having difficulty with my season of singleness right now.

I asked for the insight to recognize I’m where I am for a reason and I want to enjoy the freedom that comes with being single right now.

I want to appreciate that things have to line up in my life for certain things to happen. When I think about things that have happened to me, I always had to be at the right place at the exact right time, I had to meet the right person who led me from one opportunity to the next that links me to the next place I’m supposed to be. Different people, educational experiences, trips, work things have served as conduits to romantic and professional opportunity.

But right now, it feels like all of the circuits are broken. I’m not being connected to my future in any kind of way. Nothing is poppin. I’ve tried to be proactive and not sit on the sidelines, I’ve tried to be open. I’ve tried to relax some of my really high standards.

But still I feel some kind of way.

I’m not there. I’m not even close to wherever it is I’m trying to be.

In love. In real love.

I have to keep living my life and sprinkle new things in it so I can be in those places or around those people. It’s easy to get bogged down and just wonder.

I want to be ready for the love I want to enter my life. Maybe I’m not ready, or as healed or as mature, or selfless enough for the person God wants to bring in my life. Maybe he’s not quite ready either.

Thinking this way gives me comfort, but it doesn’t necessarily satisfy me.

But in the meantime, how do I not crush anyone’s spirit who actually does want to get to know me?

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3 thoughts on “Itch Don’t Kill My Vibe, the Online Dating Edition

  1. Ebony Rose on said:

    Dudes on POF love saying “I guess you are not feeling me” bit. I always ask them if their fingers were broke.

    Being single knowing you want love/relationship is hard. The one thing I am realizing is that maybe God wants me to make Him the love of my life before He brings my Boaz into my life. It’s a hard, bitter pill to swallow and I go through days where I am upset that I am single. Then there are days that I love it, like Sunday, for example.

    Focus on getting closer to God….I know I need too

  2. dbaham on said:

    So on the chemistry front — I just went through something very similar with this guy. We went on three dates and after the third, I had to tell him that I didn’t see us being anything more than friends. He was a great guy. He was very interested in me. He wanted to go on more dates. He wanted to date me exclusively. And honestly, he was a checkmark guy too – quite nice on paper… but, but… I just didn’t feel the connection past one of friendship.

    And after trying three times, I couldn’t deny any longer that it wasn’t there. My friends new after the first date. When I told him, he said he knew after the first date, but he wanted to believe it wasn’t true. I guess we were both lying to ourselves.

    My point is you can’t force chemistry/a connection/a spark (whatever you want to call it) with 2 people. Either it’s there or it’s not. And if it’s not, it doesn’t matter how nice or whatever the guy is – it just won’t work. I tried to explain it to a friend like this: you ever have a taste for something but you don’t have that specific something in your fridge? So you eat something else just because you’re hungry and should eat. But you’re not satisfied really, because it’s not what you want. So you either a) eat something else to try and satisfy you’re craving or b) sit around feeling lackluster because you didn’t get what you want. Neither is a great choice.

    • Wow. And I’ve done that before. Because people were really nice, I felt like they deserved me trying, especially if they really liked me. It was like I didn’t want to let them down.

      But you will end up letting the person down if you keep faking the funk knowing full well you don’t like them like that. I’ve tried with Dabnis, and as sweet as he is, he aint it. Stay tuned for the new blog. Interesting developments.

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