It’s rainy and quite melancholy out side.
I was in a mood since yesterday. I stayed in bed for most of it, sleeping, watching T.V. I didn’t really do anything productive until around 9 p.m. when I washed my hair.
I’d been in a funk. Part of it was because I had a moment of missing my ex. Yes, in the midst of a budding, something happening between me and Lancelot, I missed my ex.
I missed him physically. His smile. His shoulders, his back. His back was my favorite. He was the boyfriend I was most physically attracted to above all others.
I guess I’m still mourning that loss. Being linked to and almost married to someone that fine, in my mind, said more about me than anything. It’s very shallow, I know, but I was proud of the fact someone that handsome was into me.
But in the end, where did that get me?
His birthday is coming up. It’s the day after Lancelot’s. Which made me naturally side-eye Lancelot, wondering if this situation was bound to crash and burn due to the astrological proximity in birth he and my ex share.
I’m a flurry of feelings today.
I wonder about the give and take and risk of relationships. I think about my past failures and why I was attracted to certain people during certain periods of my life.
I think about taking chances and just trying. Just trying to let myself feel, and be and not be concerned with consequences.
But I have real fears of attaching myself to someone in an intimate, deep way and then getting screwed.
I may be a strong, grown, woman, but man. Dealing with that kind of hurt again is just a little bit too much. I don’t have another two years to take to get over somebody hurting me.
Can Lancelot make me happy? Can I make him happy?
He wants love, he wants loyalty, he wants to be able to put complete trust in the woman he is with. That’s what he said.
I want the same thing.
But will my analytical ways be annoying to him?
Will his bluntness hurt my fragile feelings on the wrong day?
Am I still mature enough to love someone within the confines of the kind of relationship I keep saying I want?
In his opinion, I am snarky and not direct.
He seems to enjoy the moments in which I am completely real, according to him.
I feel like with Lancelot, I have to learn a new language.
Most of the men I’ve fallen for had a gift of gab, they string together words in a way that makes me swoon.
Sometimes his answers are short, to the point. If he doesn’t have anything to say, he doesn’t have anything to say.
He does not needlessly fill in spaces, just to fill in spaces.
Usually, in my courtships, I fall in love with a man’s words and thoughts.
Lancelot makes me think, for sure and his views on things intrigue me.
But I feel like I am at a disadvantage, because it’s like because I turned him down before, it’s on me to make moves and show my interest. And that’s something I don’t like. I am not an aggressor.
I’m old school. I like the come hither thing.
I’m trying to work on the saying what I want thing. I told Lancelot I wanted more time, and he gave it to me. Last week, I saw him three times instead of once. Magically, his ridiculous schedule had some gaps in it.
I keep thinking about my own happiness and what I need to do to make it happen independently of someone else.
When I woke up today feeling grumpy. I actually said, “God, I seriously have no real reason to be funky. Please adjust my attitude. I have everything I want and need, work is fine, I’m talking to a great guy. Please adjust my attitude.”
I’m sure this will pass, just as this funky weather.
Happy Monday, yall.