Real Things That Scare Grown Women– The Halloween Edition
So Halloween is upon us. You know.
Gobblins, the undead, Jason, blah, blah, blah.
I hate scary movies. My friends know this. They tend to screw with my mind well after the credits have rolled and every shadow, noise or what not puts me on edge. I know the stuff isn’t real, but , I just don’t get a kick out of being scared.
Me and my friends went to a really great haunted house once, and I won’t lie, my bladder gave in just a bit.
I ran enough to air dry, but I was like see, I paid $15 to trickle on myself. This ain’t cool. I also ended up bruised because my purse got stuck on one of the props, as I tried to escape in pure horror flick action. Why didn’t I lose a shoe like the busty, blondes in our favorite horror flicks.
Anyway, after thinking about the panic attack I had just walking into Babies R Us, and my preparing to go to another friend’s baby shower (yall know how I feel about babies, they scare the crap out of me. Carrying them, having them, being in charge of their maintenance to only have them grow up, not need me anymore and send me to an old folks home).
Just walking in there I only had one thought, “let’s make this quick, let’s get out of here.”
I’m the same girl who would be strolling along in the mall and as soon as I caught sight of Pea in a Pod or Motherhood Maternity, I’d literally hold my breath as I walked past the store, like little kids do when they pass a cemetery.
That’s just how real it is. Me and my friends send texts on Mother’s Day congratulating one another that we made it one more year managing not to be anyone’s mother and thanking all of the birth control and condom manufacturers.
Ok. So without further ado, I’m going to share with you my list of things that scare grown women, mainly of my kind–non married and without children. This list is in no particular order, by the way. It’s all bad.
1. Your mother looking hotter than you. Good for mom, but awful for you.
2. A negative balance in your bank account.
3. You are on your period and the McFlurry machine is broken, or the folks simply say, “the ice cream machine isn’t working” What? Huh? Are you crazy? What do you mean it’s not working? I’ma call corporate. This is unacceptable.
4. They no longer make your favorite lipstick/foundation.
5. Gas station restrooms.
6. Public bathroom tampons.
7. Having to unclog your own drain.
8. Bugs of any kind.
9. Walking to your seat on the plane, and yup, you are sitting next to the creepy guy who can’t stop smiling at his good fortune.
10. Being that overzealous girl at the bouquet toss… Don’t be that girl. Don’t.
11. Online dating.
12. Blind dates.
13. Having to buy jeans in a bigger size.
14. Going to a new hair stylist.
15. Owing the IRS.
16. Being audited by the IRS.
17. You purchase hot, hot shoes and got two right feet and you are already back home.
18. You had a great date, yet he never followed up. Where did he go? Did he die? Witness protection?
19. You marry the wrong dude.
20. Gaining more weight.
21. 40-year-old women shopping in the juniors section.
22. Unhappy, married mothers.
23. When the boss says, “um we need to stay late.”
24. Going to the mechanic for an oil change.
25. Pap Smears and the doctor is looking at your junk for an extra long time saying, hmmmm.
26. When the mechanic asks you to step aside for a minute.
27. When your gyno wants to meet with you again once you’ve put your clothes on.
28. When you are this close to maxing out your card, but you get one…more…thing.
29. When you seriously start to think the Liz Lemon character is based on you.
30. When your friends seem happier than you and you’re jealous. Shame!!! Don’t be like that!
31. Finding out after all these years, you are allergic to something you love.
32. Any man over the age of 22 who says he doesn’t “eat.”
33. Any man who says he doesn’t have a job.
34. Any man who says, “you got this, right?”
35. Any man who suggests he move into your place. Not find a new place together, just move into your place.
36. Becoming a cat lady.
38. Slipping and falling in your tub, dying and being more afraid of being found naked than not being found at all.
39. Dark alleys.
40. Man boobs.
41. Saggy, female boobs.
42. Any kind of cancer.
43. Belly fat.
44. Stretch marks.
45. Grey hair.
45. When the college sluts, H.S. bitches, and unattractive booger-pickers manage to get married and you are still single, with no prospects whatsoever.
46. When you start pouring the french vanilla iced coffee at 7-11 and you run out at half a cup.