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Birds Of A Feather: Me and My Crew Of Non-Married Folk

I don’t know if it’s the economy, I don’t know if it’s because of what Essence Magazine says, or Tyler Perry movies say and show about black love and the lack thereof, or sociologists saying we just won’t get married, or we’ll get married a lot later than our white counterparts.

Well, let’s look at the stats. If you look at Facebook, a large majority of my white friends have taken a trip down the aisle and have a brood of kids.

Then, there are the black folk.

They had kids, but eh, a hand full of em are married, and may not necessarily be even married to the person they had kids with. I’m not saying white folks have it together and make the best marriages, because people of every color have issues, but I worry about my people. For real.

All of these single mothers, looking haggard and tired with no sign of help or support just irks me. It enrages me.

All of these single, black men who seemingly don’t want to settle down, they confuse me too. Especially the ones over 35. I’m baffled.

No scratch that.

I’m attracted to these men. This is my fatal flaw. Their timing just never dovetails with mine.

Maybe I have my own fears in terms of settling down too. Long distance queen, and ending a potential relationship with someone who was really into me. Ugh.

I got to change the prescription on my love glasses.

I guess I’m going on this tangent because I’m a product of a two-parent home and I love the love my parents share. That’s right, 40 years of marriage. They are gangsta. I’ve also been watching a lot of old Cosby episodes, and there’s a reason people of all races swoon the way Cliff and Clair even look at one another. There’s love there, there’s an acceptance of each other, and well, in most of the episodes, you can tell they get it in, and they still enjoy doing it. LOL.

Sometimes, I do wonder how women with kids manage to beat me to the altar, but you know what? They probably think my life is awesome and filled with freedom and opportunity, so I’m going to tend to my own grass and keep it moving. One of my girls reminded me, that the men they are marrying, I wouldn’t want. And that’s probably true.

Besides, I’ve come to the conclusion, that I’d really rather be alone than in a jacked-up marriage or in a relationship with someone who I’m settling for because they look good on paper or they adore me and I don’t feel the same. That message has been pounding me over the head for the last two years for sure.

But as I look around, I’m not alone. I have educated, awesome friends, male and female, who happen to be black and happen to be single. Some of them are in long-term relationships, some in those long-term relationships really love their partners. They may even be living together for substantial amounts of time where it seems like marriage is the next logical step. But they are being super cautious about it.

Not sure what the apprehension is for those folks. Watching these people together, it seems like they have it down. Even if they get on each other’s nerves, they still manage to keep on swimming.

Some of the live-in couples just say the timing isn’t right, or they are saving money. Fair enough.

Last year, one of my good friends got married, but other than that, all of my people are 30 and older and single as the day is long.

I keep wondering if all of a sudden, it’s going to catch like chicken pox in a day care and I’ll look up next year begging God to slow down the wedding frenzy so I can afford to attend them all, look good and give the folks a decent gift.

I’m not going to lie. Sometimes when I go to bed at night, I have to put on the radio real low to help me sleep. I feel the loneliness, my heart starts to speed up a bit. I breathe, pray, eventually calm down and drift off to sleep. But those pre-sleep moments, I do wonder if I’ll be alone for the next ten years or so.

I wonder if I’ll be like the successful, beautiful and highly-interesting single 40 and older women who for the life of me I can’t understand why no man has snatched them up.

Like is it that bad? Is it them?

Is that my future? Geez. I’m trying to work out and eat right to look awesome and age well, and I got to go on vacation alone or with my other single home girls?

I want the real thing, but do I really have to wait until my 40s now?

(I’m a jerk. I just let go of a great guy and I’m back to complaining about being single. Yes. I know.)

It may be that way. With this suckie economy, meeting a man living at home with his parents is not uncommon, meeting a man who hates his job– totally possible. Folks are trying to get it together, but they just can’t and it really isn’t their fault.

And I want a stable, financially secure, self-assured man. I just do.

So for now, I don’t feel as much pressure because I hardly have any friends in my close circle that are actually married either.

I’m sure it will get worse when my close, close homies start tying the knot. I want all my people to be happy, but I won’t front, the walls may start to close in, and it may get harder to sleep in my bed alone.  Not sure if my alarm clock radio can only do so much to distract me from my beating heart.


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9 thoughts on “Birds Of A Feather: Me and My Crew Of Non-Married Folk

  1. I feel the loneliness too… that truly knows no racial boundaries. I often remind myself that if I was willing to settle… I could be ‘settled’ by now. But I won’t. Maybe I’ll be 30 and single (very likely)… or 40 + and single. I want a family… and maybe that’s something I’ll have to take on on my own as well (like everything else I’ve done in life up to this point). Not my ideal life path, but I’m not willing to let someone else’s timeline prevent me from being happy. Great post 🙂

    • I’m really wondering if it is a generational thing.I think our generation had it drilled into our heads to get an education and reach for the brass ring and that we’d have time much later for family and love. Our generations were the direct beneficiaries of civil rights, women’s equality and ridiculous technological advances. I think there’s a social, spiritual and emotional trade off for all of this opportunity we’ve been chasing and it’s reflected in this abyss known as the dating scene. LOL. Thank you so much for your comments. I hope we get it right and we have a bunch of really happy, well-adjusted 40 and older folks who will have a great sense of self and can build stronger better, long lasting relationships when we do get in em.

  2. There’s a really great book out there that I can’t recommend enough. Don’t get discouraged by it’s name tho, ‘Calling in The One: 7 Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life’ by Katherine Woodward Thomas. It’s not one of those hocus pocus books about love that written by some half-ass author who is probably single her/his self. She is a psychotherapist, and the book is so intelligently written, that you’ll probably just read it because she’s such a great writer. I was enthralled by everything she had to say, and there are great quotes sprinkled on every page! It’s seven weeks of exercises that delve into the reasoning why you choose the men you do, and what’s holding you back from having a successful relationship. I love it because she says over and over that there is nothing wrong with YOU, you are perfect just the way you are. She’s not blaming us for being single, she’s just trying to help us get on the right track with what we’ve been given. I only recommend reading this when you are ready to get back in the saddle, and start dating, because it does work. I’ve read it and now I’m dating someone who I would never have given a chance to, and he’s turning out to be the sweetest, most respectful guy I’ve ever dated. The book is worth a shot. 🙂

    • Awww! So glad to hear things are going well for you. You always have quite the adventures…reminds me of someone I know? (Pointing at myself) I’m writing down this book title and author and will pick it up for the long Columbus Day weekend. Thanks for the recommendation! Can’t wait to check it out!

      • Thanks it’s nice to get out of my crazy dating habits and be with someone somewhat sane lol. The book has so much insight on why we do the things we do when it comes to dating. You’re gonna be so fascinated. Enjoy!

    • I’ve just reserved a copy at the local Barnes and Noble. I’ll pick it up during lunch!

  3. I feel your pain!!! My closest friends are married AND have kids. I was scheduled to get married, but yea. Now I feel like I’m going to be lonely forever. There are times I night where I grab my teddy bear REAL close. A few months ago I would just hop in my car and drive to a male friend’s house just to be held at night. The loneliness is REAL! Keep the faith….at the right time, God will bless us both with the man He has created for us…..

    I’m going to pick up that book as well this weekend, I love getting fun tips from the comment section.

    • Folks who comment on this blog rock, and help me see things in new ways. Love all of yall. This period of loneliness will pass. One day I’ll be married and want a moment of peace to myself and will laugh at the days I was worried about being alone. It’s all good!

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