Leave My “Stuff” But “Take the Box”
I looked in the mirror this morning, and I liked what I saw staring back at me.
I liked my new short, curly hair, my high cheekbones, my gap-toothed smile.
I felt good.
So good, I practiced my speech for whenever my ex plans to drop in on my life.
I’ll give him back the ring and say how holding on to it is holding me back. How I thought keeping it would be a reminder that at some point in time, someone loved me that much and thought so highly of me.
Now, that’s not what that ring means. A ring is a thing and a symbol of what ever we choose.
The ring lost its original meaning of a promise to stand with me and love me forever, when he just left me hanging.
The symbolism of the ring kept changing for me over the course of me dealing with my pain of his abandonment.
It was a symbol of hope at one point. After all, he told me to keep it because he wanted to put it back on my finger some day.
It was a symbol of failure because the relationship was really over. He wasn’t going to get himself together anytime soon. He was too busy thinking of himself, his own self-preservation, finding his own way, a better job, dealing with his family issues.
It was a symbol that it belonged to me and not him and that I would be damned if he gets the satisfaction of getting any of his hard-earned money back.
I even hate the fact that the word forever is inscribed on the inside.
And now it’s just a pretty ring in a box.
Some people say the best way to get over an old man is to get under a new one.
While I’m not chomping at the bit to be in a relationship, I can appreciate the attention of someone who is genuinely interested in me.
That genuine interest and the knowledge that you always have something to offer someone else and that person will appreciate it, respect it and not let it go, and will fight to keep it will give you the confidence to finally get over the old man.
When a relationship ends, you often blame yourself first and think of all of the things you did wrong, or could have done better even if the demise of the relationship wasn’t even your fault.
Having a new person in your life, who is encouraging you and complimenting you from an honest place (not just trying to have sex) will help you see yourself through new eyes.
In the scenario with my ex. I also see myself looking across the table and saying to him. I’m not the same person. You preferred my hair straight and long. I love it short and curly. You preferred me 20 pounds lighter. I’m a solid six pounds lighter, but I’m steadily working on me and I don’t think I look bad.
I’m nothing like who I was when you were with me, and you had a lot to do with that. So who knows? You may not even like who I am now.
And I’m not quite sure if who I am now, will even like you.
I really thought I couldn’t live without you. And once I stopped crying, and took one step at a time, once I realized that I could laugh and smile again, it got easier.
Silly me. I thought I couldn’t live with out you, meanwhile, you didn’t give me much of a choice. You just left.
There was a time I saw nothing but darkness. The thought of me not mourning over us was impossible to conceive.
I’m thankful for the moments when I think of nothing at all, where I just feel sunshine on my face, or warm shower water running down my back.
I remember when I could feel nothing but pain.
I’m so glad I can taste a really great meal, smell a sweet smell, and hear happy music.
It would have been tragic if I let you take all of that with you when you left. Makes me think of the poem from from “For Colored Girls” “Somebody almost walked away with all of my stuff.” (Alfre Woodard killlllled this.)
I wish you the best. And I really do love you. But you proved to me the extent of your ability to love me and it just wasn’t good enough. I do believe you gave me what you thought was your best at the time.
However, I believe that I deserved better than that then, and I certainly deserve better than that now.
And now, this lovely Amy Winehouse jam. “Take the Box” This is from that early “Frank” album. So no, no beehive hair. I would have done a more recent live version, but you can’t hear the lyrics as clearly.