Employment Guilt And Still Wanting More
I should be more thankful.
I say this over and over, especially when I’m sitting in a meeting at work ready to gauge my eyes out, or when someone asks me to do, well anything.
I’m making more money than I ever have in my entire career.
I get to work at my own pace and can work independently. I’ve worked hard to show I’m responsible enough not to be micro managed.
But I’m slipping. My hunger, everything. I’m not on my A game.
I have other desires and interests, and right now I’m in a dangerous place.
I want to pay my bills and go out to eat and live the life I’ve been killing myself over the last decade to finally live.
I’m even more guilty and I punish myself for acting like a diva when so many people are unemployed and underpaid. I’m just terrible. I call this “Employment Guilt.”
But my chest burns.
My mouth gets dry.
It’s harder and harder to get out of my bed.
Even the voices of some of my co-workers is enough to make me want to eat glass, or pick boogers out of my nose and just flick them at folks to make them shut up.
But I can’t do any of those things. The first is unhealthy and the latter is just nasty. Just plain nasty.
I have to look ahead. Look at my dreams and keep working toward them until they can become full-time and more importantly, profitable.
In the meantime, it burns me up that I’m slaving toward someone else’s dream and can’t put 100 percent into mine. But aside from my bills, the day job is funding the dream too.
Patience must persist. I have to put my emotions at bay and focus on the bigger picture.
I truly am thankful for my job. I hate feeling this way. I remember all of the jobs where I felt I was abused, worked to death and underpaid with little or no benefits. I remember how happy I was to get this job. I remember how happy I was to make it through two rounds of layoffs. So feeling the way I do right now, really makes it all the more complicated.
I can’t wait to establish my own culture for my company and its employees rather than hide within, beat or try to reform the one I’m already in. It’s not my culture to change. I’m tired of process, procedures, workflow and apathy.
I want to get back to my old, kick-ass self. Like I was so on it, I was annoying. I had so much passion. The reality of adult hood and being an independent woman (paying all of my own bills) tends to dull my shine these days.
I’m trying my best to live up to the fourth agreement of always doing my best. Which means some days your best may not be as good as yesterday or it’s better than the day before, but you can’t beat yourself up if you really tried your best. These days even the “worst” best days, feel like they’ve taken a whole hell of a lot of effort to get through.
And what it boils down to is, I no longer feel like the overachiever I’ve always been.
I can’t think of one super awesome accomplishment that just made me feel amazing like I contributed to something great.
It’s not even about others recognizing me, but me just really being proud of myself professionally.
I think it’s pretty safe to say I’m burning out and I need to figure out something fast before my work soul begins to atrophy.
I used to love this song off the “Mo Money Soundtrack”