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Send In the Clowns: A Pig in Wolf’s Clothing

I was feeling good yesterday.

I should have.

It’s my birthday week.

In honor of this fabulous occasion, I decided to dress up everyday this week. When I dress up, I always feel great. So, not putting my great outfit to waste, I couldn’t just go home after work. (I won’t be tonight either. I’m going out for dinner with a mentor/friend whom I love dearly)

I hit up a local happy hour for a half-priced delicious celebratory crab cake or two.

A well-dressed man pulls up to the empty spot next to me at the bar, and he’s in a hurry, but wants a quick bite and drink.

We engage in conversation and this man has already managed to mention everything on my short list that I STRONGLY dislike in a man in 20 mins or less.

1. He mentioned twice he had been in the music business.

2. He mentioned twice he had traveled all over the world.

3. He mentioned more than one kid he had to pick up from after care.

4. He made reference to his “first wife.”

5. He was angling for an invite for he and his best friend to my birthday because I mentioned I had about 10 friends coming in from out-of-town.

6. He assumed all 10 were women for he and his best friend to meet.

7. He gave me his business card.

8. Instead of seeing my firm handshake as a sign of confidence (as professional people do), he said I probably give great massages.

1. I love music, and I actually have a cousin who is a real mover and shaker in the industry, who works very hard, who is very humble and so are some of his celebrity friends. So when you come at me saying you are a producer, rapper or you own your own label, I yawn. I’m not one to step on people’s dreams, but I’m sick of everybody trying to do this.

2. Because of his music business career, he’s traveled all over the world. Yeah, you should try the blank, because I’ve been all over the world and know good food. I’ve met many people with full passports and piss poor attitudes. Meanwhile there are some people who never left D.C. or NY who are ridiculously fascinating.

3. People may think this is jerky, but men with kids need not apply. I’m not interested. I don’t want to share your time, attention and money with your kids and the women you had kids with. Your resources are already stretched (not just money, emotional support too). Please focus on your kids, because I feel guilty anytime you spend significant money on me. So nope. No gracias.

4. Things don’t work out. I get that. But when a man says things like, “My first wife,” that leads me to believe there is definitely a second, and possibly a third. Um, yeah, I need to go powder my nose, with my coat and purse.

4.5 This dude also mentioned his best friends are his ex girlfriends. Once again, that can happen, but usually it’s rare and with one person and the people who do that have stopped having sex and have completely gotten over the relationship and it was like years ago. If you are close with ALL of your exes you are full of shit. You can’t do it, I don’t care how cool these people are. This is probably the number one reason why this fool has numerous wives and ex wives. The most I do for the exes I don’t hate is send them a happy birthday text message, and that will fade out when they get married.

5. I mentioned my party includes an after party at my house. We just met. Hell no, you can’t come to my house. You are wack for asking.

6. You are wack for mentioning with glee the possibility of ten of my girlfriends in attendance for you and your best friend to annoy and offend while fueling yourselves with my free food and drink. I don’t think so.

7. Men who give you business cards are either genuinely networking so contacting them professionally is fine. Or dudes like this guy want to be contacted at work when their wives, girlfriends, or live-in vagina, is not around and can’t catch them.

8. When he commented on my firm handshake, as I said before, I originally took that as a professional compliment til he went south. Literally. Seriously, you want to invite yourself and your friend to my party to hook up with my homies and you want to talk about me massaging you? Really? Epic fail.

I remember why I’ve been out of the clubs, lounges and bars for so long and why I won’t be returning as regularly as I did in my 20s. It’s really funny.

Please enjoy “Uneligble” By Fantasia. Yes, shouldn’t it be Ineligible? Just sayin…

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